Jokebook

1. One-liners
2. Q&A
3. Just silly
4. Slimming jokes
5. Battle of the sexes
6. ‘Adult’ humour


ONE-LINERS

There was a lovely mirror behind the counter at my local shop. I could see myself buying it.
***
I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for £50. Is this two deer?
***
I once had a lot of rants and arguments with my bank manager. Then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
***
I’m dating an Italian bricklayer. It’s cement to be.
***
There are two types of people in the world: those who divide the world into two types of people, and those who don't.
***

I had an argument with a lollipop lady today. She made me cross.
***

Q&A

What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
- You get repossessed.
***

JUST SILLY

Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered,
.... ...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
***

"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green," I muttered.
"I didn't know the snooker was on," said my partner.
"It's not. I'm watching the bin man."
***

My wife rang me at work to say she can't find her glasses anywhere. So I told her to just use her contacts.
She rang back an hour later to say she'd called everyone in her address book and none of them knew where they were either.
***

Went for a meal at Nando's submarine-themed restaurant
My eyes still sting, though, from looking through the peri-periscope
***

I think I spotted Michael J Fox in the flower shop today.
Not completely sure it was him, though.
He had his back to the fuchsias.

***

Today I went to the dentist.
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went backwards and forwards.
I thought, 'This is bit unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Could you please get out of my filing cabinet.'
***

I went to the doctor today complaining about my hearing difficulties.
"What are the symptoms?" he asked.
"They're a whacky American cartoon family on TV."
The conversation didn't improve.
***

An old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
D: Mrs Smith, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
L: ?eh?
D: You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid….
***

Perspectives:-
- A Pessimist sees a dark tunnel
- An Optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
- A Realist sees a freight train
- A train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks up ahead!
***


BOOZY JOKES

A man's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
***

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
***

SLIMMING JOKES

I enjoyed a game of Candy Crush today. I threw a Mars bar into a Weight Watchers class!
***

My New year fitness regime is going well. This exercise is really helping. Instructions below:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
***

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
***

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

NEW ELEMENTS IN THE PERIODIC TABLE

   Element: WOMAN
   Symbol: Wo
   Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
   Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
   freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
   used well.
   Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
   silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
   to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
   placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
   Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
   disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income
   reducing agent known.
   Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

   Element: MAN
   Symbol: XY
   Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
   Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room
   temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and
   sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
   samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh
   samples.
   Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
   Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
   mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize
   by saturating with alcohol.
   Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
   to produce large quantities on command.
   Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
   begins to smell.
***

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it for ever."
***

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.
"Dang, man," they say; "how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday,” says Frank.
"Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.
She had put handcuffs and ropes on the bed!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'"
"And here I am. “
***


‘ADULT’ HUMOUR

True stress for men is the wife, the girlfriend and the mortgage all one month late.
***

All men marry nymphomaniacs. Then the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
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Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?
A: You oscillate its tit a lot!
***

Q: What is the last thing every Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before it leaves the factory?
A: Two test tickles.
***

My partner says she enjoys sex more while on holiday.
Well, I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive!
***

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

***

I was shopping at our local supermarket.
When I got to the checkout, there was a young woman ahead of me.
As she placed her groceries on the conveyor, the cashier asked her, "Paper bag or plastic bag?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
***

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night
Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?”
***

Two guys are in a locker room when one notices that the other has a cork in his butt.  
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your butt?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am the Genie of the lamp. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."  
***

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within  her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!” Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
***

A small African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the cowskin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to see if the lion would be tempted to attack him so he could then shoot him dead.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground groaning. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damned lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
***

An Indian brave walks up to a beautiful squaw, and says to her “When?”
Astonished, she says "You shouldn't say ‘when’. You should say “how”’
He says, “I know how. When?”
***



More to come ....