Listen to your body

 I thought a lot about whether to post something this personal. But I am going to.

I had to talk a lot last month about dysphoria as it's been affecting me way more than usual. Thank you again for your kind support. With the heatwave, I've been living mainly in swimwear or very light tees so my breasts, which have been expanding again this year, are very visible. I'm delighted with the extra boobage but, perhaps not surprisingly, I'm rather self-conscious about it, too. The left breast seems slightly bigger than the right, which is fine as asymmetry is normal enough, but what is puzzling (and delighting) me is that they are not the breasts of a woman of my (fairly advanced) years, which usually sag, but are rather perky and springy. Yay!

 

Not me, but an aspirational version of me. (Photo: Daniel Narsco)

 

I assumed that this sudden bout of gender dysphoria, or even body dysmorphia, was because the heatwave had brought a vast army of nubile, scarcely-clad women to the seaside here all at once. Irritatingly, I'd made my decision not to epilate so the contrast between the femininity around me and my current fuzz made it worse.

A four-hour train journey the other night, during which I felt a slight ache in my breasts that so characterised my original breast growth in 2010, set me thinking how my body has been a strong driver of my trans life. 

I will put here something that I have never mentioned before as it is very personal, perhaps unusual (I've not heard any trans person refer to a similar experience) and I've never been sure that I would be believed, but this is a transgender blog and so it is very relevant. In my 20s I experienced what I can only reasonably describe as period pains, a regular 4-week cycle of abdominal cramping. I became concerned enough to note it down, and so discovered its regularity, and I discussed it with my doctor who not unnaturally assumed it was an intestinal problem ...and I won't go into further details.

I went along with that diagnosis, though, even though my guts weren't the problem, as that was also the time when I was most suppressing my trans nature so any excuse for denial was a good one. I managed to spend over a year not dressing as a woman at all (believe me, that's a long time in Sue World), did a giant purge of my clothes, photos and everything else feminine, and even blocked any thoughts about being trans whenever they arose, which was very hard. I was determined to kill my trans desires off once and for all. 

In the end, though, that suppression exploded ferociously ... and the curious periodic cramps diminished as I finally embraced the knowledge that I was trans and started dressing every day. 

Move on several years and in 2010 my breasts grew suddenly just as I felt a strong need to get out in public dressed at last. And now that I have had a very subdued decade due to ill-health, emigration and so on, my breasts seem to be telling me something again.

I won't speculate on whether it's my body that responds in these very physical ways to a lack of fem time, or whether it drives my femininity in the first place and my need to be a woman, or any other theory. But my body has always been very much a living, responding part of this whole transgender experience of mine. I am curious as to whether anyone else has similar experiences, though I acknowledge that such personal things are not something one likes to talk about in public. I rarely do but here I have bared ... well, my breast! And more. This is a trans blog, so there.

The first thing I did once I'd got home from my train journey, despite its being the small hours of the morning, was paint my nails in clear varnish. I keep my nails long and feminine the way I love them. 

 

I'm now looking through the local directories for a waxing salon as, frankly, I'm not sure this "hairy for summer" idea is working this year. Full retirement is now approaching and then it may finally be time to talk to a doctor directly rather than by-the-by as previously about being trans and all these curious body events of mine. After all, breast screening doesn't seem an unreasonable request now, if nothing else, as I have sufficient breast tissue to be a routine concern. And possibly, just out of curiosity, look into any intersex, genetic, chimeric or similar issues that might be relevant here, which I guess I've not wanted to do before for reasons I'm not totally sure about. I remain very cautious about outing myself to the health authorities, though, given the current trend towards xenophobia all over the world, although things are better in European Union countries than in many other places, hence my move to Italy. (My thinking on this in 2018 is more relevant than ever in the UK, US, Russia and so on).

More developments as they happen, I guess. 

So, if I and my breasts may end this rather serious post in a more light-hearted way in Two Ronnies style, it's goodbye from me ... and it's goodbye from Pinky and Perky.

Sue x 

So how did Pride month go?

 Last Saturday was Milano Pride in Italy. Despite the heat, 350,000 people turned out. That's equivalent to more than a quarter of the population of the city.

It was also Budapest pride in Hungary. Despite being made illegal by the government, that Pride event attracted 200,000 people. That includes politicians from other countries keen to be seen to promote rights over autocracy.

I hear that in Britain, the anti-trans ruling from the Supreme Court is being watered down even by that court. As I've mentioned before, all sorts of cis political commentators who don't normally touch on LGBT matters have criticised the ruling and the government. 

And also in Britain, Thurso, a small town of just 9000 souls in the furthest north of Scotland, held its first ever Pride. 1000 people attended that, a stunning turnout for somewhere so small and remote. 

By contrast, I hear that a Straight Pride event in Boise, Idaho (population: a quarter of a million), billed as a "hetero awesomeness festival", not only had an underwhelming attendance (about 50), as seems so often to be the case, but it was crashed by a pro-LGBT singer. 

These are just some take-aways from the last few days. I give these attendance vs population figures because so far this year neither I and almost no-one I know, despite all being in the LGBT+community, have managed to get to a Pride event, so it shows how vast the LGBT community and its allies must be. 

Whilst there is a lot of very noisy and very nasty transphobia and other hate out there, I think the world turned a corner a long time ago and being queer in all its lovely forms is something most straight/cis people see as OK. Different, but OK. Current anti-LGBT legislation is now associated with violent and autocratic leaders so is not, in the end, going to benefit the few phobics. As a very simple - simplistic, if you will - summary of our present situation, not only does history show that autocracy is usually short-lived but our current autocrats, actual and aspiring, are remarkably incompetent and therefore likely to fail soon. When they're gone and condemned, as all such characters end up being, their transphobia will be part of that condemnation. So this current persecution is likely to work in our favour in the long run. I see this massive increase in support for LGBT Pride events, especially where the government is anti, as evidence of a better future, and that the public is broadly with us.

Stay colourful. 

 

Stay cool 

I love hot weather. My Optimum Operating Temperature has always been 28°C, even with a wig on. But it's currently 37°C in the shade (that's 99°F) as I'm posting this, and around 30° at night, and it's not even the height of summer yet. 

Mind you, the resultant lack of appetite plus exertion in the pool is working wonders for my (interminable) weight loss programme. 

Sue x

Hot stuff, or dresses for empresses

 It's very hot so I am taking things gently, especially in the afternoons when the sun is at its fiercest. Blogging is a gentle task so here we are!

Firstly, thanks to readers for their recent support over my sudden dysphoria. I guess the heatwave brought everyone to the seaside early and all those healthy women suddenly turning up en masse with next to nothing on really hit hard: I should be one of them, I thought; I'm missing out, I told myself. 

I've been returning to equilibrium, especially as, without boasting, I don't look too bad in a bikini myself, with a bit of curvature in the right places to fill both parts. Less around the tum would be better but we are working on that. I lose appetite in summer, which helps, as does more activity.

Thanks also for your support over family health troubles. My relative will be in hospital for quite a long time now and all we can do is await the final outcome of his treatments. He's not dying, though, and that's the main thing.

Now, I know that the weather is not conducive to heavy clothes but today I was looking at a magazine that describes an exhibition now on in Paris celebrating Charles Frederick Worth, who more or less invented haute couture as we know it. He seems to have been the first to use live models to strut his creations, put fashion house labels in his clothes and introduce seasonal collections. He dressed Europe's most elegant ladies in amazing outfits back in the nineteenth century when women's fashions were just stunning. No hoodies and leggings in sight! 

I mention this because, let's face it, we all fancy ourselves in a floor-length satin dress, don't we? I mean, take this Worth ballgown in pink tulle modelled for us here by Empress Elizabeth of Austria. I really, really want this (and if becoming an empress is what it takes to get it then, hey, I'm up for that!)

 

Not to be outdone, here is Empress Eugénie of France in a ravishing white satin and lace gown. Yes, please. 

An evening dress in green. Corsetry is the answer to all waistline issues! 

Imagine going to a trans club in one of these outfits. Then if some admirer annoyed you could declare, in your finest cut-glass Victorian duchess voice, "Unhand me, you ruffian!" as Hubert, a true gentleman, steps in with a stern, "You scoundrel, Sir!" and removes the irritating admirer, who is promptly led away to a life of hard labour in the colonies. You then marry Hubert and have sixteen children, nine of whom are destined to die of consumption, cholera, scarlatina, etc. Ah, the good old days! When life was short but the frocks were long. 

Anyway, I though I'd share the gorgeousness with you. As the curators say, there's a public fascination with fashion these days, but people are forgetting the history of fashion. This aims to reawaken that consciousness with its 400+ sumptuous items.

Here's the official exhibition web page in English: Worth, Inventing Haute Couture

A review in English: A Journey to the Origins of Haute Couture at the Petit Palais in Paris 

There's a long video in French on setting up the exhibition, with a lot of views of the dresses and accessories. I didn't post this link originally but Susie has viewed it and commented below like the dedicated girl she is, so here it is after all. English subtitles are available. Worth is pronounced Vort by the French. (Disappointingly, most of the curators and restorers here are in jeans. "Standards, ladies, standards!" as my imaginary duchess would say.)

 

More generally on the subject, here's an introductory video on Worth with lovely pictures and photographs, and showing real dresses on mannequins: 

Worth on Wikipedia: Charles Frederick Worth and House of Worth. 

The exhibition is on at the Petit Palais, Avenue Winston Churchill, Paris, till early September. Oh, and my birthday's coming up; just a hint. 

Sue x

Unorthodox solutions for steamy weather

 I had hoped that the couple of thunderstorms over the last two days would have cleaned the air and cooled things down but they've just made everything steamier. I can manage to wear a swimsuit but I really don't want to wear a lot else today! 

Every summer I write some kind of post like this on how to cope with hot weather when your a TGirl, e.g. wigs & makeup in summer and swimwear for TGirls but when it's really hot and sticky like this all I can suggest is that you do the things that need physical activity at times when it's a bit cooler, i.e. morning and evening. 

Whilst staying hydrated is regularly quoted as the best advice, I'm not so convinced by cold drinks as by hot ones when it's steamy. People boggle at me when I say that but hear me out. A cold drink or ice cream cools your insides but does little for the discomfort of prickly, sticky skin. A hot drink makes you perspire properly, thereby cooling you down; and as the drink is hot, you can't gulp it so you get 'dosed' more gently and evenly; and something like tea is a pick-me-up. Tea is a favourite drink in North Africa and the Middle East, the hottest places on earth. Theirs has lots of sugar (for energy) and usually mint in it, which is an anti-inflammatory and a breath-freshener, and their tea is the best thing on a hot day. As for any perspiration that tea causes, well, that's why I wear a swimsuit.

As for alcohol, I advise avoiding wine. Instead, mix spirits with lots of mixers/juices. A little gin with lots of tonic is working for me this year. But yours may be a sangria, a spritz, a Pimms or whatever is fruity and cool.

My photo above to illustrate this post was taken on a hot afternoon (36°C / 97°F) so I was wearing a short denim skirt and tights. 

"Tights, Sue? Are you mad?" No, actually tights/pantyhose in hot weather are good for avoiding several heat-related problems. Obviously, I mean gossamer-thin items like these (they were 7 denier), not those black opaques you don with your slippers by the grate in winter! 

Wearing tights helps to wick perspiration away from your skin (just ask a professional dancer); eliminates chafing (chub rub) if your thighs rub together when walking and reduces chafing from your shoes; and makes your legs look smoother and more uniform in tone. 

Here are just a few items from my own collection to illustrate what I mean: from 5, 7 and 10 denier; various summer shades for Caucasian skin from 'nude' to 'suntan'; toeless for if you have peep-toe shoes and you like your painted toenails to show fully (of course you do); bodyshaping or bodyfree; looks that are matt, glossy, 'healthy shine', 'oiled'... There's a big choice. 

 

Open-toe seven-denier nude in action:

Another good choice is fishnets in natural or lightly coloured shades. I have them nude, white, apricot, etc.. The 'nude' ones on the right in the photo below are very light-looking whilst the 'nude' ones in the middle in the photo below look very tanned, but as they stretch you actually get a natural shade on your legs in both cases. A close friend swears by openwork lace at all seasons, even in black, like my favourite Jonathan Aston 'sweet roses' pantyhose here on the left.

 

These are those Jonathan Aston fishnets in nude when worn:

Here are my fishnets in light apricot to match my yellow-pink dress. With the stretch, these gave a light flesh tone

 

(By the way, these are the sandals that had to go recently as they were scuffed, worn and falling apart after many summers.)

Have a nice summer. 

 

Dysphoria update

It's not great. See my first photo above again, the one with me next to a bigger, curvier, bustier, more brazen (!) young woman. 

There seem to be uniquely feminine women around this year, all curves and jiggles, and none wearing very much in this heat so the curves and the jiggles are enhanced and on show. I keep telling myself that I too have curves and jiggles, and that's no lie. I'm proud of my very feminine hips, and my recently improved bust measurements are exciting. Maybe it's just regret that the women around me are even curvier and jigglier than me because they got a natural advantage when the curves and jiggles were being handed out. 

To be honest, I'm also feeling disappointment at the fact I am no longer young. Smooth curves, perky jiggles and rich hair get replaced by wrinkles, sag and greyness. Nature, you're a mean bitch!

Sue x 

Antidotes to random chaos

 I mentioned last week that I expected to have to spend some time this summer looking after a relative of mine who went into hospital for an operation. Thanks to readers for their kind words about this. As it wasn't an emergency op but a fairly routine one and he was supposed to be home after a week, things have clearly gone badly wrong as he'll be in hospital for at least two months in all. There is the possibility that he may be housebound from now on, which will involve serious lifestyle changes. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen. 

As luck would have it, his girlfriend, who would normally be his main source of support, and tries to visit him every day, is also unwell and still weak from an op she had six months ago. Her daughter died at the same time and her son is now in hospital, too. As you can imagine, she's not in a happy frame of mind. 

There's not actually a lot we can do at the moment but wait for outcomes. So I have been trying to relax, avoid the stupid, mad news as much as possible and, as it's been a hot, fine week, I've been spending time in the outdoor swimming pools and in the lovely surrounding garden with its palms, cactuses, hibiscus and oleanders. And at home, various floaty and light floral skirts and dresses have been ideal. 

Music

Not everything in the blog is about trans matters. Last week I mentioned the passing of Brian Wilson and his influence on surf rock.  This week I pay tribute to Alfred Brendel who has just died and was one of the greatest pianists. 

The moment I heard the news I played one of his recordings of what has always been my very favourite piece of music since I first heard it aged 17, Beethoven's Fourth Piano Concerto, the most lyrical. Perhaps Beethoven's early biographer, Adolf Marx, in 1859, likening the soft plaintive piano and the insistent strings in the second movement to Orpheus pleading with the gods of the Underworld to return the soul of his dead spouse to the living seemed apt. 

Here's Brendel playing the "Funeral march on the death of a hero" from Beethoven's 12th piano sonata, another apt work, music that was later orchestrated and played at Beethoven's own funeral. 

If there were more musicians around to create and fewer "leaders" around to destroy, I think the world would be a much better place. Rest in peace, maestro, and thank you for your lifetime of dedication and mastery.

 

Sue x 

Bikini envy

 Well, it's not so much envy as bad dysphoria. What do you expect? There's a heatwave on and suddenly all the women are in their bikinis ... except me. And, unusually, I'm not coping too well with that. I don't tend to suffer much dysmorphia about my body, but all of a sudden it's hit me. Maybe a friend emailing about her successful GRS, with FFS also scheduled, didn't help either. Don't get me wrong; I'm thrilled for her, but it's a bit hard to handle all of a sudden. 

It'll pass. Like the ebb and flow of the tide, it comes and goes. 

Passionflowers in bloom seems an apt photo to post here. These are in the hedgerows in the lane behind home.

 

 

Surf rock 

Bikinis, summer, tides ... A number of people have blogged, commented and paid tribute to Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys who passed away last week. If you are into surf rock and ultra-cute sixties outfits then, depending on how much gender dysphoria you are currently experiencing, you may like/hate to visit the Surfrajettes website and YouTube channel. Beehives, matching minidresses, white go-go boots and, as they put it, "eyeliner as thick as their guitar strings". 

I'd like the talent just to look that good, let alone play music! 

 

The good stuff

Times are not good for the trans community in many parts of the world. Here in Italy they are mixed but I'd just like to pay tribute again to two sources of strength. 

One is Elle Italia women's fashion magazine that resolutely supports the trans and broader queer community. Every other week there is an article on trans topics, e.g. how a parent should listen to their trans child; an interview with a trans person; life as a drag queen (see photo); and this week several articles supporting Pride. Thanks to Elle for positive allyship.

 

Pride itself seems to be attracting more and more support. Either people feel safer coming out or they feel the community needs more clout. Our regional Liguria Pride in the regional capital Genova at the weekend increased its attendance from 35,000 last year to 40,000 this year, despite the high temperatures. 

Liguria Pride 2025 in Via XX Settembre, Genova, the regional capital's answer to London's Oxford Street. ( ©facebook.com/CoordinamentoLiguriaRainbow )

 

An impressive turnout, one to be proud of. Sorry I couldn't be there. (But a wig in that heat? Hmm.)

Have a good week, all.

Sue x 

Smooth or not for summer?

 It's time for the annual dilemma: should I get rid of all body hair for the summer season, with the annoyance of then having to epilate every day; or just let nature do its thing, meaning no full-on fem time for the next three months? 

I mean, I don't have to go to the pool or the beach ...

Yeah, I do have to go. What's the point of living in a seaside resort if you don't do seaside things? Besides, the temperatures have rocketed to 32C this afternoon when normally they should be 25C in early June. It could be another very hot summer to come. Which doesn't help when you have to wear a wig or wear makeup.

I will also have to spend time looking after a relative who's sick. He went to hospital a month ago and should have been out after a week but because of complications he's still there. I don't know what painkillers they're giving him but when I saw him earlier this week he was lucid and exhausted one day but stronger yet raving the next. Scary. He'll be needing help with shopping and household things for a while after he's back home and I've agreed to do that alongside his girlfriend. He doesn't notice much in terms of whether I am hairy or not and hasn't spotted that my clothes are all of a feminine cut. Mind you, neither did my LGBT-hating sister when I saw her last month and even complimented me on my shoes (ladies' trainers). People see what they expect to see.

My other sister gave me a shiny new set of barbecue tools and they are already in use. Well, it's Friday night and it's 32C, and my simple white Dorothy Perkins vest top and Baby Angel black denim shorts are ideal for the occasion. Every moment of fem time is so precious.

 

I do like to be beside the seaside 

Here's a shot I took from my most recent flight, of the famous Seven Sisters cliffs and Beachy Head in Southern England. It was a bit hazy that day but it still made a spectacular sight. Click to enlarge.

 

Enjoy the summer, wherever you are and whatever you're doing. 

Sue x 

Uniforms: there's short, and then there's regulation micro!

On British Airways last week I noticed that the uniform is now, well, less than uniform. The hemlines vary enormously in length, the shoes in height and the tights seem to be any shade and thickness. It's obviously a change from the very strict dress code they and many airlines seem to have had in the past with everything coming from specific designer(s) and sources. My T-dar is constantly alert to changing styles (even though I often wear the same boring old stuff myself!) Frankly, airline hostess is not a job I'd ever want to do myself. Love the look, hate the job.

The other uniform style that was more uniform but in a way that worried me was all the schoolgirls in London seeming to have tiny microskirts as regulation school uniform. I cannot possibly criticise others for wearing impossibly short skirts in public without being a monster hypocrite as I have myself been seen in public in items that hardly suit women of my age (see below)! But I do worry about underage girls getting the wrong kind of attention given the troubles in that regard at my own school. Maybe that's just my bad experience talking. But I hope today's teenagers are safe. Yes, I firmly believe anyone should wear what they want and be left in peace to do so but, sadly, realities are what they are. 

As I waited for a bus on a typical June morning in London, where a cold thin wind blew the drizzle about, the schoolgirl on the hard slanting seat next to mine at the shelter shivered in her regulation microskirt, goosebumps at attention. Personally, I've never once worn a skirt without tights but, anyway, this bare-leg microskirt look seems to be the norm among the uniformed young in the UK whatever the weather. Good luck.

My final observation is that UK female police and nurse uniforms are pretty universally geared to trousers. Practical, no doubt, but maybe my British friends can now enlighten me, since I haven't seen British TV for years, as to what British comedy is doing now without emergency service staff in short uniforms and stockings? That was once a staple of British comedy. 

 

A dip in the archives 

I go short in public (or: nice legs, shame about the face):

 

 

Crazy hair and crazy tights

Sue x

A case full of lace

 I got back home yesterday with two very large suitcases, one of which had my everyday boring fem clothes and the other had all sorts of cute and fun stuff. 

I selected the second caseful from out of the 18 boxes of girl clothes in my deposit in London. Those boxes contain everything from winter coats to summer bikinis but unexpected things can happen when you open them. Previously a gel-filled bra exploded, but this time a bizarre pair of extra-extra frilly knickers with more lace than pant, that were made specially for me by a fan of such items, frothed and floated to the top of the lingerie box. Since the friend who made them has now transitioned and may well be embarrassed at her previous frilly knicker phase, I won't describe them further but I brought them home in case there's some cosplay project that might use them. I've no idea what!

But it was good to pick up some favourite skirts, and the much-loved dress I wore in Scotland last year, several pairs of very sheer tights for summer as well as some fancy hosiery, a never-worn burlesque ra-ra skirt, red with black lace, for party times (or if I fulfil my showgirl dreams) - pictured below -, comfy leggings, tops, lingerie, and fun accessories, including the elbow-length spider-web gloves and matching tights I missed for my Hallowe'en outfit last year but which went down a storm at the Magic Ballroom. 

I also found a pretty black lace bra and panty set that I had totally forgotten I bought and is so comfortable that I cannot believe I forgot all about it. 

Very pretty and really comfortable to wear

My case also contained lots of new lingerie and nightwear I bought - I do recommend Marks & Spencer for such items. Yes, I have far too many things, I know, but they do get worn, and worn out. I threw away a pair of cream-coloured high-heeled sandals that were scuffed and coming unstuck in parts. It's a pity as I have fond memories of wearing those in summer, often at the Sparkle national trans celebration, but what's broken needs to go.

Gone but not forgotten

 

You may think a whole case of pretty clothes excessive given the cost of luggage on airlines these days, but I dress every day and stuff that I know and love is precious to me so I'm happy with that.

I have something to say about airline uniforms and about very short skirts and I know those are subjects of great interest to many, but I'm still tired from the trip so I'll close here and discuss those topics another time. Have a great weekend.

Sue x 

Facing

 I've been internet-free for a week and it's actually been good not to have the endless dismal news and usual messages to deal with. I've been travelling and dealing with legal and administrative things. 

More on the interesting and trans aspects of my travels when I have more time but I'm posting briefly today because I managed to see the sculpture currently on the Fourth Plinth in London's famous Trafalgar Square. I wrote about this under the subheading "Art (1)" here last autumn. Despite all the anti-trans activities of current and past UK governments, there in London's main square is a vast tribute to trans people made from hundreds of clay masks of their faces, including one of my friend Grace whom I have seen on this trip. She thinks hers is on the side facing the National Gallery (photo 1). 

Round the corner, the National Portrait Gallery has a huge poster outside of award-winning artist Grayson Perry as his feminine alter ego, Claire. 

Trans visibility could hardly be more visible. 

Here are my photos:

Click to enlarge

My trip to the UK ends next Wednesday.

Sue x