Skin verdict

I had a lovely time with my friend Roz White and her wonderful family in their home in the far north of Britain, which will be the subject of a blog post soon with lots of pretty photos.

But first, an important update on the health problem that has so curtailed my feminine life. 

Yesterday I had my appointment with the skin specialist at the hospital. Things are a lot better, but I'm not cured. A slight change of prescription but essentially it looks like I will be able to go out dressed from time to time and then fight off any flareups with the relevant meds, which is the conclusion I was coming to anyway. That's about the best I can hope for.

I wish this problem would just go away, and one day it will, probably as fast and as mysteriously as it came. I know, though, that any real prospect of living full-time female or transitioning is pretty much out of the question now as I won't ever be sure that the problem won't remain or return, preventing my wearing makeup when it does and not letting me have laser/electro on my face. 

I will go back to the specialist as and when necessary.

Still, after my appointment I met a very old friend on one of his rare trips to London and he insisted on treating me to a huge dinner out. So that cheered me up :-) There's not a lot a free dinner won't cure!

Sue x

TGirls care

My last post mentioned some of the horrible things that have been happening in the last few weeks. But if there's one thing that can be relied on, is that TGirls do care for one another. I have had so many nice calls and messages in the last two weeks from my TGirlfriends, some of whom I've not been able to see for years because of my illness. Thank you, girls.

Things appear to be rallying a little workwise after the Brexit slump, although August is always dead so I won't really be sure of the situation till mid-autumn, so I remain worried. And I am pleased to say that it seems that a lot of my neighbours are no longer being terrorised by the conmen but are taking more intelligent steps to see about maintenance issues. It's still very stressful, though.

I have cancelled all my holidays bar one, which is a trip this weekend to visit my friend Roz and her wonderfully supportive family. Roz and I have been trying to meet for years but distance and timing have always thwarted our plans. In the end, I booked some flights a while ago to take me near enough to her end of the country. Exciting... and I do need a break from here.

Sue x

Things not good

I haven't posted for a month.

That's because things have been really horrible.

Work has been badly affected by the political situation after Britain voted to leave the European Union - much of my work comes from the rest of Europe, you see.

There's a potentially very expensive piece of maintenance for homes in our street to do. If that wasn't worrying enough, as soon as the problem arose a bunch of con men got onto the case and are scaring the  residents here into doing massively expensive and inappropriate repairs for three times the going rate. Trying to persuade people that they are being conned is not easy.

So that no money is wasted, I have cancelled my summer holidays, bar one weekend trip that was paid for up-front. I had to cancel Sparkle and missed seeing all my friends.

I have been very distressed about all this for three weeks. Fortunately, my T girlfriends have been kind enough to phone me to cheer me up.

Could do with a kind word.

Sue x

Vigil for Orlando

All over the world there are vigils and tributes to the victims of the mass murder of patrons at a gay club in Orlando, Florida.

There is a huge vigil in London's Soho tonight - thousands are there. It brings back memories of the gay pub bombing there in 1999, an attack by a similar loner motivated by similar reasons.

The majority of my friends are either gay or transgendered and so the people in Orlando were, in a way, friends I hadn't met yet. Now I can't.

I'm not ready to put on makeup yet but whatever pain I might get from doing so tonight is little compared to that of their families and friends, and all of us like them.

I doesn't matter what the haters do or say, I will never be able to deny or remove the fact that I am trans, always was and always will be, as all my many LGBT friends are who they are.

Let's keep acknowledging this even in the face of hostility and malice.

Love you.

Sue x

It's official - I am going to Sparkle

I have made the decision that I will attend Sparkle 2016.

I wasn't sure because of my state of health, but when Joanne Stevens (she of the TGirl bar) rang to say she was coming and we then agreed to share the apartment I'd provisionally booked at Atrium, that settled it.

Sparkle is the UK's national transgender celebration http://www.sparkle.org.uk/

It's the most fun and joyous event I know of!

Sue x

On the verge of getting out again... thanks to your support

A few weeks ago I started testing makeup and stuff on my face again to see what the reaction would be.

For my first test I wore makeup for 1-2 hours. That wasn't too bad. My eczema did flare up but I zapped it with medicines and it died down after three days.

For the second test I wore makeup for 3-4 hours and the result was similar, though a little more severe, but it was under control after about four days.

When I went to Sunny Italy I knew that I couldn't wear sunscreen on my face as it would provoke a reaction, so I opted for a big floppy hat to cover my head and face (the rest of me was OK for sunscreen). The trouble is that the light reflects so I got a little sunburnt on my neck and under my chin and that caused quite a bad flareup that hasn't fully died down even after two weeks.

I think I will try another makeup test in the next day or two but I reckon I will probably be able to go out for a few hours now perhaps once every two or three weeks. Maybe a quick lunch with my girlfriends? That's what I have been missing so badly these last couple of years.

This illness is somewhat better and more manageable thanks to the better drugs they have now. But I think what has mainly kept me focused is all the support of my friends. As well as all the supportive comments on my blog, Flickr and Facebook, people have kept in touch by phone and email.

So thank you all so much. I'd especially like to mention Joanne, Emma, Roz, Lynn, KD, Ange, Sarah, Saffy, Rachel, Stella and Angela who have been especially supportive and have checked up on me regularly, as it were. And to the friend who sent me her ring (below) and a talisman, thank you for your big heart.

My friends are the most important thing in my life and when I have struggled they have proved their worth.

Thank you.

Sue x

I've been away...

I took ten days away from work this month and went to Italy, hence the length of time between posts.

Not only did I need the break but I also felt the need for some culture and some amazing food...

I stayed with a very old friend who is currently working in the Pisa area. He doesn't know about Sue, one of the few left who doesn't, so my femme side didn't make an appearance. Never mind. I also met a colleague in Florence (it wasn't all holiday) and she took me to a great place for lunch with no tourists.

The local wine is terrific (yes, I was off my skin medication until the last day so I could enjoy some fabulous vino, not just the famous Chianti but also Bolgheri, Montepulciano, Vernaccia...

And the food... and the restaurants. I've never had pork with bitter orange before; spaghetti with fresh tuna sauce cascading like a wave from a scallop shell; duck and orange ravioli; lots of wild boar stew, platters of beautiful hams and salamis; battered rabbit; fresh sea bream in a restaurant perched on the cliffs above the sea. Fabulous. And ice cream... oh, yes.

I love the way they decorate the fruit flavour tubs with luscious looking fresh fruit

Here's a few illustrated features from my travels... interesting, I hope, and some amusing...

PISA: the money shot

Pisa is a massive fraud. The tower is actually dead straight; it's all the other buildings that are leaning.

VOLTERRA: ancient Volterrae, one of the 12 great Etruscan cities before the Romans came, perched on the crest of a steep hill with a remarkable museum of Etruscan civilization. Quite by chance, we happened to be there during a gathering of classic Italian racing cars in the town square.

She-demon with horns (1st C BC) - this appealed to me!

Ancient bronze - I think it looks like Donald Trump!

Super Italian cars in super Italian square

When Italian car manufacturers came up with racing cars like this, everyone thought they were having a laugh... until they kept winning!

FLORENCE: world capital of art and culture.

Baptistry, Belltower, Cathedral, Dome... a beautiful complex of buildings

Florence has the most awe-inspiring spot on this planet that I know of: the Medici Tombs tucked away behind the church of San Lorenzo. I have been here several times and some years ago, for 30 seconds, I was alone - no tourists, no custodians - just me and Michelangelo's statuary that is so lifelike and alive it almost creeped me out. Lorenzo de' Medici sits pensive whilst, on the sarcophagus itself, Dusk gets ready to slumber and Dawn is waking. Giuliano de' Medici, Day and Night are on the opposite wall. The whole chapel is an extraordinary conception by an extraordinary man, and I am always in awe here:

LEGHORN (LIVORNO): Not a great tourist magnet (especially after being wrecked in World War II) but I was curious about the English engineers and architects who designed much of it in the late 16th and early 17th centuries, notably Sir Robert Dudley, and Inigo Jones whose portico for the cathedral (which part largely survived the bombing) is like his portico for St Paul's Church in Covent Garden, London. I was also curious to see the markets which were once thriving centres for selling WWII army surplus and black market goods - the sort of haunt of Milo Minderbinder from Catch 22.

Livorno Cathedral, carefully rebuilt after WWII

New Venice, part of a series of canals round the forts.

LIGURIAN SEA: I haven't seen this sea since I was a little kid on family holidays. It's rather fabulous in the evening light...

16th C coastal defence tower at Calafuria, with a rather nice 21st C bar attached!

Beautiful sunset over the Ligurian Sea at the fabulous Astragalo restaurant at Castiglioncello. The fish ravioli and fresh sea bream were delicious, especially with a view like this.

SAN GIMIGNANO: another postcard city, Medieval and unspoilt, perched on a hill with numerous tall towers. 

Just imagine living in the Middle Ages... with no elevators

Bride sharing a drink through massive straws with her guests in San Gimignano. I don't know if her impressively resonant burp is some local tradition. If so, her husband will be a proud man; if not, he may already be having second thoughts!

Well, that's just a taste of some of my holiday snaps. I won't bore you with more, but just to say that this part of the world is incredible... for its natural beauty, its extraordinary culture, its world-beating artistry and its beautiful fresh food. I also got a tan. And put on half a stone in weight. Oops!

Sue x

Anniversaries

On 21st April the Queen celebrated her 90th birthday. That's a milestone worth celebrating in anyone's life, but it's all the more remarkable for such a public figure.

Two days later it was both St George's Day and also the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's death. Although I used to be bored by the Bard at school, I decided to join a London tour guide to see the festivities around the rebuilt Globe Theatre. There were 37 screens showing excerpts from his 37 plays. Apart from one screen that didn't work. The play? The Comedy of Errors, of course!

Excerpt from a modern dress version of Hamlet, opposite St Paul's Cathedral

Shakespeare's Globe Theatre on Shakespeare Day.

White and red roses on the gates of the theatre.

No signal is no laughing matter

I mention these recent national anniversaries as they show the importance of celebrating important things. For my little part, today marks two anniversaries. One, the departure from one career that I had grown to hate. The new outlook I gained from that event enabled me to find my feminine life in a very real way. The second is the anniversary of my setting up my little business. It was a gamble, of course, but I put the effort in to make it work. And last week I had far more clients call to request my services than I could possibly provide and now I feel vindicated that changing careers and working for myself was the best move I ever made. Not least because I now work en femme whenever I like.

My little celebration today included an evening in full makeup. Phase Two of my Eczema Recovery Programme. More details of that in a forthcoming post.

Sue x

Be wary of researchers

A lot of the time, trans folk are approached by students, artists, TV companies, etc. to be part of their research, projects, documentaries and so on.

Sounds good, huh? People interested in transgender matters want to make us better known.

And sometimes the research is legitimate. I've taken part in a couple of peer-reviewed academic studies and they were all to the good.

But so much of the time the person contacting you wants you to be part of their project for which the agenda has already been set by them:

"I want transgender people to be interviewed for my dissertation on the discrimination suffered by them everywhere so that they can give real-life examples of this common occurrence"

"I want transgender people for my performance art project where performers will eat endless candies to represent the oppression of having to take hormone pills"

"I want transgender people for my photography show which will show your male and female portraits side by side"

"I want transgender people for this great documentary we're doing about how transgender girls find it a struggle to come out to their families. We'd like to film you telling your family that you are a transgender and show their reaction. We will be very respectful to all participants, of course, and you will be on national TV. We retain control of all content and editorial matters."

Yes, these are the kinds of requests I've received and seen over the years. Students who have already decided what the outcome of their research should be and want examples to back them up. (Evidence-based conclusions? What's that?) Media types who want to exploit vulnerabilities for entertainment (sorry, educational, sensitive documentation for improving public awareness). Artists with all the greed of hedge fund manager, the bullying of a sargeant and the sensitivity of a brick.

So what I would say to you if you want to take part in research or a project is: it may be good and worthwhile ... or it may not. Find out what's really going on before committing yourself, and don't support other people's set agenda or preconceptions. We are who we are, not who they say we are.

I do so wish there were more legitimate, properly funded and peer-reviewed neutral research by professionals on trans life - why we are, how we are, not what we are or are deemed to be, especially not for prurient curiosity or entertainment.

Sue x

For one night only

So I tested makeup on my face to see what would happen after five months of medication for eczema.

I put on my full makeup starting at 10pm on Friday and kept it all on for an hour before removing it, not with the standard cleansers but with the lotion that my doctor prescribed that I use as a soap substitute and moisturiser. I had also taken an antihistamine and covered my face in medication before starting. I have been using both since.

For 24 hours there was no reaction. My skin was incredibly soft because of all the emollient lotion I had used. In fact, a female friend remarked that I looked as soft and smooth as a baby's bottom (at least, I think she meant it as a compliment!) After 36 hours, though, there was an inflammation at the sides of my neck (where Frankenstein's monster has his bolts). Possibly I hadn't cleansed enough there ... or it's where my wig touches most with its irritant conditioner, or my necklace, or my blouse or my nightie, or maybe I had cleansed by rubbing too hard. Who knows? It's not so swollen and red now after 48 hours, but my chin is a little sore. I continue to monitor. I may try this again next weekend, for longer.

Here's proof. And only another trans person will appreciate the joy of being able to present how you feel.

Sue x