I've dressed as a woman every day for twenty years now, ever since I vowed to stop purging and never again deny this essential trans part of me. That's not the same as presenting as female, of course, which is something that's only happened in the last five years. It been good to see how, on the whole, friends and public usually accept the needs of trans people. It's been very odd, though, having to revert to male mode when I am in public as there are things I had forgotten about. Apart from having long forgotten my male clothes sizes, I have this terrible habit (as male) of complimenting women on their hair, clothes or accessories and I keep having to bite my tongue. Just yesterday I managed to stop myself complimenting a woman in a beautiful cornflower blue coat and asking her where she got it. Men don't do that sort of thing, I keep having to remind myself, unless they're trying to chat up. And remembering to sit in a less effeminate way is something I've struggled with since I was very small and got berated for at school and in the office. It's hard trying to relearn all this for this period when I'm "out of order", as it were.
But at least I've been able still to see trans friends who take me for who I am overall rather than just what I look like at any one time. Thanks to Emma W, Joanne F, Kimberley G, Saffy W, Michelle S, Ange P, Lynn J, Christine G for all meeting me in boy mode so far this year. It means a lot.
Sue x
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteLike you I have felt a little different since I was maybe 14, but being slow on the uptake did nothing much until my forties. I think the availability of blogs on the Internet helped me to better understand what it was that I wanted to do.
Your comment about biting your tongue also rings true. I have had a small number of 'girly' converations with colleagues, but like you I would not want them to think I was trying to chat them up.... at least not seriously. 8-)
Cheers
Penny
Thanks for visiting and commenting, Penny. It's weird having to lead this double life and remember what mode we're in at any one time. It's nice to hear you're leading more of a life to suit you now. Sue x
DeleteWow. Twenty years? That's a lot of t-hour stacked up. Not that you get a reward... which is a shame :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the complimenting part. It is a tricky situation. I mean, it seems second nature to say something nice, doesn't it? And, dare I say, who wants to be considered sharking / creepy? No, thanks. :-\
We chatted about the 'behaving like a bloke' during the meal. Again, that rang bells. Oftentimes, I find myself sat, legs crossed and sat to one side - as I would at Chameleons - while the rest of the blokes at the office, are sat legs slightly apart, or arms folded. I wouldn't mind if this was pretence, this seems to come of its own accord. Bah, humbug. Mind you, it does mean neither of us walk like dockers in drag. :-)
I hope things are soon better!
Thanks, honey, and yes, it's always that weird instinct versus culture pressure upon us. The legs thing really worries me as it's been remarked on throughout my life but I just can't sit in a blokey way unless I make a hard conscious effort. Sue x
DeleteI've given up the 'doing the man thing' in male mode to the point where, when out with the wife we always get, 'good morning ladies'. I love it and the wife finds it hilarious. I haven't bought any male clothes for about seven years, all my jeans are 'ladies' and t-shirts, jumpers etc are always female.
ReplyDeleteHi Ann. This bout of enforced maleness saw me having to go out and buy some men's clothes as, like you, I normally wear women's clothes (even in the past when out in 'male' mode). And, do you know, I really couldn't remember my male sizes and even how the male measuring system works! I can't wait to get back to femme. Sue x
DeleteI know what you mean about being complimentary to other women especially as "male" mode but to be honest I do anyway especially if a lady has made the effort to look nice or keep herself in good shape but remember where I work, so its natural for me to do so. Women in general react favorably to such comments but I always do follow up and say not to read into the compliment as just an observation and the women accept as that. Yes occasionally, I will ask them where they got a particular item from too. I think Sue, just be yourself is the answer rather than worry about the two halves.
ReplyDeleteWise words, KD, and I think that the distinctions between what men and woman do, wear and say to one another are breaking down. Seems reasonable to me to be nice to someone who's made the effort to look good? Maybe I'll take your advice and not fret about it. Sue x
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