Thinking

It's been five weeks since I last posted, which is a long time away from my blog.

I've been seeing TGirls I know, such as Tanya, Wilhelmina, Joanne, Sarah and Saffy, but with me in male mode as I have been dealing with the bad reaction of my skin after my day out on November 5th. Sure, the medicine works, but it's clear I'm not cured. And seeing other girls happily dressed or transitioning/transitioned is actually not doing my mood any good.

So I'm thinking what to do.

I'll be writing more about all this in due course.

Sue x

My resurrection?

Yesterday, for the first time in two and a half years, I put my face on and went to central London.

Regular readers will know that I have had eczema on my face and neck so severe that it reacted to anything that touched it. And that includes everything a TGirl needs to exist – close shaving, makeup, jewellery and so forth. After much medical and other intervention I am a lot better. So it was time to see if I could be me again.

It was a very cold, windy day and, although I know the girls like to be smart, I couldn't face wearing anything other than skinny jeans and a sweater. For me, warm, practical and what blends in with others take precedence over finery!

I thought I would be nervous leaving the house after so long. But my main fear – that the next door family would spot me – was laid to rest when they went off in their car just before I had planned to go out. So I opened the front door, mentally recited the TGirl mantra, “Head up, Tits out, Girl on a Mission, and Smile,” and, trailing a cloud of Versace Crystal Noir behind me, I went out. Within moments I felt like I’d never been away.

I hit my first obstacle quite soon: trains weren’t working because of that classic British Privatised Railways excuse, “engineering works”. So I started by taking the overcrowded town bus. An old man at the stop and on the bus was eyeing me. He may never have seen a TGirl before. I simply let him gaze as he seemed curious rather than a letch. Still, give an old man a cheap thrill, I say.

It continued to be an eventful journey when I changed to the Underground because the train door snapped shut and separated a little kid from his mum. (Don’t worry, a couple of girls immediately took the poor boy under their wing and staff up the line were alerted to meet him). Finally, after taking two hours to travel 15 miles (that’s what London can be like), I met up with my old friends Rachel, Linda and Gill at the Verge Bar in Brick Lane. It was lovely to be greeted like a returning prodigal with hugs and kisses. It was a cold day and I was glad to get a big warming coffee to drink.

We had great meal at Tapas Revolution round the corner, which I learn is one of London’s best reviewed tapas bars (http://www.tapasrevolution.com/#home). The tapas were pretty good, I thought (we had a wide-ranging selection, from battered aubergine to spicy octopus), but my pudding (crème caramel with nougat) was outstanding.

My lovely friends Gill, Linda and Rachel

One reason to go out was that I desperately needed a new coat and eyeshadow, so I kissed my lovely friends goodbye and took the Underground to Oxford Street where bought a coat from the Oasis concession in Debenhams, and some new eye makeup in Boots. The sales assistant at the No. 7 counter, whom I guessed would identify as genderqueer, had great makeup (well, it’s part of the job, I guess!)

So, missions for the day:

1) wear makeup for a day – accomplished

2) get out of my own front door again – accomplished

3) enjoy lovely TGirl company – accomplished

4) buy essentials – accomplished

No wonder I’m smiling in my Train Home Selfie.

I have to see what happens with my face over the next few days. That will determine if I’m better or not, and where I go from here.

Sue x

A close shave

In the spring I tried various makeup tests to see how my face would cope with wearing makeup again, even with my eczema still not cured.

The results left me hopeful.

This summer and autumn have had so many unrelated problems that I didn't continue the experiments, and my priority at present is to keep solvent and work continuing. But I am pleased to say that I have got back to shaving regularly, pretty much daily, for three weeks now and there are no particularly adverse effects. This is really positive. I last used the potent eczema medicine in June, four months ago.

I feel there may really be a reappearance soon. It's been two and a half years since I was last out (apart from Sparkle 2015). Let's see if I can let up on work and actually catch the train up to London one weekend soon.

Sue x

Coming out - a mixed blessing

It was national ‘coming out day’ last week, and people were telling their stories. Some chose to come out about being gay or trans, too, including, it seems, my friend Roz. Wishing her every good outcome.

In brief, my 'coming out' story:

I tried coming out to my mother about wanting to be treated as a girl when I was 6. She hadn’t a clue what I was on about. 6-year olds are not eloquent, and they get put off by negative reactions. When my parents realised I was crossdressing in my teens, their sinister mutterings prevented my letting on again to anyone until my 40s.

And when I did come out over the last few years, most of my friends were understanding – and even enthusiastic – when I let them know I was trans. All apart from one group of close friends who pretended to be supportive and then proceeded to out me to others and tore into me when they let me holiday with them as Sue. What pigs! – some friendship appears deep but is really just superficial. The betrayal was so shocking that I will only now come out when essential. I haven't posted about this episode yet but maybe the lesson will be a useful one for others. I truly value those friends who have learned that I am trans and just accept that. They're the majority and it's great that society seems to be progressing favourably.


So… coming out. A mixed blessing, I’d say.

Why do gay and trans people have to run this gauntlet anyway? Hoping for a day when no-one even needs to be formally informed in this way.

Sue x

Still here!

I haven't posted anything for a month. Sometimes you just don't feel like posting, even though quite a lot has been happening. Like sometimes you don't feel feminine, or feel like dressing.

My last post was about andro in Orkney so soon there should be one about being andro in London as I have been meeting up with my TGirlfriends even though I'm still not quite well enough to go out fully dressed myself.

This September has been largely warm and fine, which helps a bit with health. And I haven't had to use the most powerful medicine on my face for three months, so I am hopeful now. Let's see what happens.

Sue x

Andro in Orkney

I have a very special TGirlfriend called Roz White who has rejoiced at my triumphs and comiserated with my tragedies over the years. Ever since I met her online in around 2008 I have been trying to meet up with Roz in real life. But the problem has been distance as she lives at the opposite end of Britain from me. So after many discussions and failed attempts, and years of being just e-friends, I decided to visit her at home in the Orkney Islands off the north coast of Scotland. It’s the furthest north I have ever been.

Roz’s family now know she is trans and have been very accepting in the time since she came out to them. And they are a lovely, welcoming family, too, and I was made to feel very much at home. For me, it was wonderful to meet my friend at last, take a break from all the house and work troubles I have been having, and see something totally new over a long weekend. I also met several cats, chickens and horses, not to mention eagles, eider ducks and seabirds by the hundred.

Flying there was no problem and Roz’s male alter-ego met me at Kirkwall Airport. I recognised her straight away, despite her disguise (and mine, although I dress fairly andro these days).

Orkney is famous for stone-age archaeology, wind and battleships, probably the best place in the world for all three!

So here is my diary, mainly in pictures.

Heart of Neolithic Orkney World Heritage Site Wikipedia entry

The Standing Stones of Stenness, about 5000 years old

Neolithic village near the Stones of Stenness (the stones are in the background)

Ness of Brodgar, an incredible site with big solid houses from 3000 years ago - only about a tenth has been unearthed so far

Not Hobbiton, but Skara Brae, an incredibly well preserved village occupied 4,500-5000 years ago

Skara Brae

At home with the Flintstones: stone 'dresser', central hearth, bed alcoves

Large home at Skara Brae

The curious Dwarfie Stane on the island of Hoy, a tomb hollowed from a solid rock which itself was left in place in a valley after the retreat of the Ice Age. Nearby are sea eagles' nests, and peat is cut for fuel.

Just part of the large Ring of Brodgar standing stones erected about 4000-4,500 years ago

Maes Howe, another major site, was too booked up with coach parties from the vast cruise ships that call in at Kirkwall. Pity, but we'll save it for next time.

Scapa Flow (Orkney at war)

This huge natural harbour must have been an extraordinary sight in the two World Wars when it was the navy's main anchorage for warships of all sorts. All military presence is gone now apart from a few collapsing jetties, huts and crumbling gun emplacements and the expanse of Scapa Flow is empty apart from the ferries, the odd drilling rig in for repairs and ships serving the oil terminal. A green buoy marks the resting place of HMS Royal Oak, sunk by a bold German submarine in 1939.

In 1919 the German High Seas Fleet was interned here and was famously scuttled to prevent the Allies getting hold of it. Today the remaining German wrecks are the world's primary source of low-background steel (i.e. steel produced before the detonation of atomic bombs from 1945, which is used for medical and scientific sensors which could do without nuclear contamination).

Salvaged German guns (WW1). The memorial to the WW2 Arctic Convoys is on the hill behind.

Extraordinary chapel built out of nissen huts and scrap by Italian prisoners of war in WW2. The interior is beautifully painted Italian_Chapel

The well-preserved Hackness martello tower which protected British ships against pesky American privateers during the War of 1812. It was windy up at the top!

Other stuff

I love the pale purple hue of these thistles. And the landscape seems typical of Mainland.

That cat who felt trapped in a dog's body. I know how poor kitty feels!

An oil rig chugs out to sea under it's own power. It was towed in by ships earlier, presumably for repairs or maintenance.

The sandstone columns of Kirkwall's cathedral have not weathered well!

St Magnus Cathedral, Kirkwall, has a lovely colour

The hills of the island of Hoy wearing their cloud hats. Beyond is the open Atlantic.

Looking towards Scapa Flow from an abandoned battery near Stromness.

Remote Rackwick on Hoy with it's beach of smooth round boulders. The famous Old Man of Hoy sea stack is 3 miles round the cliff (but we didn't get to see it as lunch was calling). The ferry from mainland Scotland is in the far distance.

Disused fortifications, oil rigs, lighthouses, a scattering of islands, rolling farmland, changeable sky... I think this photo sums up what I saw of Orkney

Farewell... islands drop away as I fly back to London

Thank you Roz and your lovely family for a perfect, peaceful break. One day we will meet in our posh frocks.

Read Roz on her blog (see list to the right) or make friends with her online. It's worth it.

Sue x

Happy fifth birthday, Blog!

My blog is five years old! It has scuffed sandals, a grazed knee, one sock hanging down and bunches in its hair.

And five is also about the age I was when I recollect I first started feeling that being a girl was somehow right.

So, Mr Stats, my eternal companion here, who won’t let me get anywhere in the Blog Creation and Management Facility without my going through his statistical page, tells me that, as of now I have 38 followers (hello recent addition Robin), 72,865 page views, and that the popularity of the post about the TGirl Bar 2013 (1 Dec 2013) has overtaken Nottingham Invasion (23 Jan 2012) which previously held the top spot since it was first published. Nostalgia Trip to Pink Punters (16 Dec 2012), When Surgery Goes Wrong (Again) (5 April 2015) and Nottingham Invaded Again (18 Mar 2012) are the next most popular. Last month was the busiest here, with apparently lots of visitors from Russia. I guess these statistics have curiosity value, or use for someone. Thanks to Lynn, Mandy and KD and all of you who comment – I do appreciate your thoughts.

When I started this blog I was on a high, living my female life to the full. It’s nothing like that now because of illness and other troubles and I feel low. I am going to try to get out again very gently and tentatively. I think there will be more exciting posts soon.

Sue x

Skin verdict

I had a lovely time with my friend Roz White and her wonderful family in their home in the far north of Britain, which will be the subject of a blog post soon with lots of pretty photos.

But first, an important update on the health problem that has so curtailed my feminine life. 

Yesterday I had my appointment with the skin specialist at the hospital. Things are a lot better, but I'm not cured. A slight change of prescription but essentially it looks like I will be able to go out dressed from time to time and then fight off any flareups with the relevant meds, which is the conclusion I was coming to anyway. That's about the best I can hope for.

I wish this problem would just go away, and one day it will, probably as fast and as mysteriously as it came. I know, though, that any real prospect of living full-time female or transitioning is pretty much out of the question now as I won't ever be sure that the problem won't remain or return, preventing my wearing makeup when it does and not letting me have laser/electro on my face. 

I will go back to the specialist as and when necessary.

Still, after my appointment I met a very old friend on one of his rare trips to London and he insisted on treating me to a huge dinner out. So that cheered me up :-) There's not a lot a free dinner won't cure!

Sue x

TGirls care

My last post mentioned some of the horrible things that have been happening in the last few weeks. But if there's one thing that can be relied on, is that TGirls do care for one another. I have had so many nice calls and messages in the last two weeks from my TGirlfriends, some of whom I've not been able to see for years because of my illness. Thank you, girls.

Things appear to be rallying a little workwise after the Brexit slump, although August is always dead so I won't really be sure of the situation till mid-autumn, so I remain worried. And I am pleased to say that it seems that a lot of my neighbours are no longer being terrorised by the conmen but are taking more intelligent steps to see about maintenance issues. It's still very stressful, though.

I have cancelled all my holidays bar one, which is a trip this weekend to visit my friend Roz and her wonderfully supportive family. Roz and I have been trying to meet for years but distance and timing have always thwarted our plans. In the end, I booked some flights a while ago to take me near enough to her end of the country. Exciting... and I do need a break from here.

Sue x

Things not good

I haven't posted for a month.

That's because things have been really horrible.

Work has been badly affected by the political situation after Britain voted to leave the European Union - much of my work comes from the rest of Europe, you see.

There's a potentially very expensive piece of maintenance for homes in our street to do. If that wasn't worrying enough, as soon as the problem arose a bunch of con men got onto the case and are scaring the  residents here into doing massively expensive and inappropriate repairs for three times the going rate. Trying to persuade people that they are being conned is not easy.

So that no money is wasted, I have cancelled my summer holidays, bar one weekend trip that was paid for up-front. I had to cancel Sparkle and missed seeing all my friends.

I have been very distressed about all this for three weeks. Fortunately, my T girlfriends have been kind enough to phone me to cheer me up.

Could do with a kind word.

Sue x