Today we remember all those people who have died in violence because they were transgender.
I am frightened by violence and hate. Maybe you are, too. But fear validates the courage needed to be ourselves and to push towards the juster world where no one dies because of hate for their existence.
May all my trans sisters and brothers remembered today rest in peace.
Sue x
It's twenty years since I had my first proper makeover and some quality photos done. It was the first time I'd ever worn a wig and had my makeup done professionally. It was a revelation and marked another milestone on my road to authentication. I wrote a description of my time at the Boudoir makeover service here. Instead of repeating those details here I'd like to share more of the photos now that I have got them all together in one place.
I've spent a lot of time downloading the hundreds of photos from my first three makeovers and selecting 37 of them to post here. I confess I got quite emotional in doing this: reminders of an amazing time in life, a lament for lost youth maybe, a feeling that I can be beautiful too ... and knowing that there is nothing more blissful than being your authentic self. No wonder I have a knowing smile.
As much as possible I've tried to include one close-up, one seated and one standing pose from each look.
The point of going a dressing service was to get advice on doing makeup, seeing what hair would suit my face and what styles of clothing would look best. We homed in on a best look over three sessions, a dozen outfits and several hairstyles and here I explain our approach.
Losing weight between session 1 and sessions 2 and 3 helped a lot.
For my first session, Jodie dressed me in a black semi-sheer striped shirt with flower details picked out in silver, a berry-coloured knee-length skirt and silver jewellery. The patent stretch boots are my own as are the sheer black glossy tights. Underneath Jodie fitted me with a corset, which was a new experience for me - when you're overweight, as I was here, breathing and bending become challenging with that constriction.
You can see how nervous I was to start with ...
Jodie explained that a wig can work more than one way. She put the hair up with pins.
I'm less convinced by this look, as it happens.
We took some photos standing up ...
Anyway, armed with my photos and new-found wonder at my transformation, I vowed to return and learn more about makeup, hair, styling and so on. Just after this session in mid-November 2004 I started a relationship with someone who wasn't so keen on the whole trans thing and so my return wasn't until April 2008 after I had broken up with her. But I was a lot slimmer and that opened up greater possibilities, as did longer sessions.
I tried four looks in my second session. The first was a cute pink top and a long black skirt with a very high slit. I wore my own 20-denier black hold-up stockings (M&S) and black court shoes (which might well be the same ones I wore as a silver witch the other week). The corset felt a lot more comfortable this time. The wig was quite a big one, the jewellery a bit more noticeable, and this time I had the time to have my nails done. I loved the colour!
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Sadly, we took no photos of me standing up in this outfit.
Jodie pointed out that with my petite stature (I'm 5'4" or 163 cm), I'd do well in short skirts because showing off my legs would make me look taller. Does a TGirl need encouragement to wear short skirts? I don't think so! And she was right. And, if I say so myself, I think I have quite nice legs.
Quite cute. But bobs are always cute.
And we tried a new outfit of sleeveless sequinned black top, chunky belt and shiny red three-quarter length skirt. The boots haven't changed - knee-high boots are recommended with this skirt length.
In some ways I got another dressing session just after this by volunteering to be a model for an artist and she dressed me in her clothes with dramatic makeup. I really enjoyed the modelling sessions but it's just as well the films she took of me never made it to any exhibition as she turned out to be a crook! So that doesn't really count as a makeover and photoshoot since there's no evidence!
Six months later, again in mid-November, I was back for my third and final session with Jodie, this time with fewer nerves and a determination to find the best look for me. There are seven looks, all bolder than before. Well, five looks with one of them simply involving a change of skirt and another a change of footwear, but these changes made a huge difference. And this is the point: it's often just the little adjustments that lead to homing in on what really works.
The short bob in the previous session was cute but not right for me. So we tried a longer one, and lighter too. This was much more of a statement hairpiece.
Here again are those very perfect John Lewis glossy black tights, and my own gold and black shoes. I brought my own shoes to the sessions as I have very small feet (5½ UK size, 38 European, 7½ US) and most trans dressing service shoes are larger. You can't get 5½ in men's sizes; even a 6 is hard to find so I have actually worn women's shoes most of my adult life even when I have presented as male!
I suggested changing the skirt to a black one, which I am pretty sure is one of mine which I still have. I think this worked better.
Seated in the famous window ...
How about close up?
This was only the second look, though, and there was plenty of time for three others. So we went for something brash and bold, a biker chick look. But the hair felt so right I insisted on keeping it.
Jodie let me try on her own black Ugg boots as we have similar shoe sizes. They were certainly comfortable and warm and very trendy then. But I felt the flats were more the look I wanted as they show that the tights are footless. A number of the items worn here were Jodie's personal items rather than from the general racks so, between the two if us, we mixed and matched to create these looks.
What a blast! In three sessions, I learnt the rudiments of trans makeup, I learned that short skirts work well on me, and that shoes work better than boots, I found a really good hairstyle (I came back a few days later and bought the leopard girl/biker chick wig). Just what I wanted, and the gain in confidence was amazing. Shortly after, I joined the UK Angels forum at Jodie's suggestion and, after ensuring my makeup bag and skills were up to the job, and with the encouragement and example of other girls, I started going out. A recommended experience for those who need help to get going.
I have had various other makeovers and photoshoots over the years and many sessions with wig stylists. More on those another time. This post is just about how I found my way.
Tomorrow is my official trans birthday. A lot of trans people choose a birthday connected with a major event, such as their GRS. The timing of these sessions at the Boudoir is one reason for mine.
Thanks for reading. I hope this post was fun or inspiring.
Sue x
It's Transgender Awareness Week, leading up to Transgender Day of Remembrance on November 20th. I'm pleased to note that there are various local initiatives this week emanating from our provincial gender clinic.
I currently live in the Province of Imperia in Italy, a small province with about a quarter of a million people. The gender clinic, operated by the local health authority, opened a couple of years ago and has about 20 patients of all ages.
The clinic is giving public talks about gender dysphoria today in Sanremo, the largest town, and tomorrow in Imperia, the provincial capital. An initiative to raise awareness of trans people and the clinical help available to them under the national health system. I'm also pleased that these talks and the clinic have been nicely presented in the regional and provincial newspapers.
I hope that my local LGBT campaign group, Arcigay Imperia, will also have some presence this week or on TDoR, although they haven't advertised anything yet.
(NB Arcigay is pronounced Archie-gay, not Arsy-gay; I just want to make that clear!)
Late autumn sights and successes
It's been a nice month so far with plenty of sunshine which has cured my seasonal affective disorder. The pretty flowers I've posted above are in a nearby hedgerow bordering a mountain lane and the colour is lovely.
All the plants on the coast here are green all year - palms, pines, eucalyptus, cactuses, agaves, oranges, lemons, figs, rosemary and basil, even bananas - and that enhances the feeling of perpetual spring that I find so alluring. No autumn leaves all over the pavements. Not that there's anything wrong with autumn colours ... but it's always a prelude to winter and I hate bare trees. (For a fine advertisement for autumn colours and living your best trans life alongside, have a look at Violetta's recent post here. It's beautiful.)
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| Sanremo promenade, November 2024 |
This is very much olive country and last weekend saw a three-day olive oil festival in Imperia that by all accounts was a great success. I didn't go to that, though, as I was busy at the many local markets buying cactuses, pictures to hang at home and music, and out eating some nice fresh fish and pasta.
I also visited the fort in Sanremo which was built to keep rebellious locals under control before becoming the town prison, a flying boat base and now an exhibition centre. They had some abstract art on display, some of which was quite nice, but more interesting were the prison cells and, above all, the newly opened roof area which give some nice views over the town, the harbour and the mountains through the embrasures.
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The cream coloured yacht you can see in the far distance through the slit here used to belong to one Donald Trump who used it as a money-losing casino before he sold it at a loss. The US economy will soon be in his capable hands and I'm sure we all have every confidence.
(I wrote a fuller history of this boat, including its being in a James Bond film and a Queen song, here.)
The fort is triangular and looks like an Imperial cruiser from Star Wars when seen on the map, which is really cool.
Thanks for reading. Have a nice weekend. There's a lot to tell this month, so I'll be back soon.
Sue x
True story. I had a phone number at work that was one digit removed from the Berlei Bras warehouse number and I would regularly get calls from London department stores and lingerie shops wanting to put in large orders. (I mean the orders were large, not the bras.) Sometimes the callers wouldn't check they were through to the right people and would rattle off the lists of pink French lace 40DDs and push-up Eye-Popper™enhancer bras before I could correct them.
My colleagues thought this was funny every time. But it was music to my trans ears, I can tell you. One cheeky co-worker asked me if Berlei Bras were for burly girls. If only she knew!
One day, following an apology from the shop buyer at the other end when she realised her mistake, my tongue disconnected from my brain and I said, "That's OK, we all make boobs."
I was so embarrassed! It just came out unconsciously. That is what comes from watching too much of the Two Ronnies and Dick Emery as a youngster. They say television corrupts the young ... and they're damned right!
Anyway, the point of resurrecting this story is that I seem to have been making boobs ... my real ones. My breasts first appeared in 2010. A classic case of gynecomastia. They came quite fast, they ached quite a bit and a female friend of mine said that's what happens when a girl goes through puberty. That was when I was first getting out of the closet and going out into the world. I wondered if the gynecomastia was psychosomatic, but since it's a very common condition, it may be just have been coincidence. Or my body was changing and the enhanced trans visibility was an unconscious response to that. Who knows.
So I was happy enough with my A-cup. It was pretty affirming, and I wore breast forms or used various enhancer bras, even the explosive type, to get that ideal shape. But recently, despite losing a lot of weight and expecting my breasts to reduce accordingly, they actually seem to have expanded. I don't properly fill a B-cup but it's harder to add extra leverage in the cup than there used to be. I'm quite pleased with this new development. I hope it will continue.
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| To B or not to B, that is the question. |
And that brings me nicely to the next body positive event which is my return to a stricter slimming regime after the excesses of the summer - or rather the loss of control over food preparation, which always happens on holiday. Last winter (November to April) I lost 32 pounds. This time I want to complete the job by losing 28 pounds (12.7 kg) by the end of April. That's a pound a week, which should be easy enough. It will bring me well within my healthy weight range and will let me get back into those little dresses I used to love wearing.
Last week I lost 3 lb or 1.4 kg. A good start. Wish me luck.
I'm also setting time aside each and every weekend to epilate fully. It was a bit hit and miss before. Sheer tights over freshly smoothed legs feel wonderful and make the whole palaver worthwhile.
Kids' TV / TV kids
Talking of television influences on children, I was sorry to read of the recent death of actor and voice-over artist David Graham who did so many of the voices for children's TV shows, including Dr Who's nemesis, the Daleks, and Gerry Anderson's brilliant puppet series Thunderbirds where he voiced the genius Brains and, most famously, Parker, who was butler and chauffeur to Lady Penelope. Graham was 99 so we have to say he'd had a long and well-filled life. Rest in peace and thanks for the brilliant entertainment.
I had a real crush on Lady Penelope and wanted to marry her. To be fair, she's beautiful, intelligent and rich. And she has a pink Rolls-Royce! But I was told the pre-nuptial agreement would have too many strings attached. :-p
As if that wasn't enough, here's my age-old joke about Parker and Lady Penelope:
"Parker," Lady Penelope said, "Take off my dress."
"Yes, M'lady," said the obedient servant. And soon the dress was off.
"And now take off my bra."
"Of course, M'lady." And Parker duly fumbled with the clasp.
"Now, Parker, I want you to take my panties off."
The flustered flunkey did as he was bid and dropped the garment at Lady Penelope's feet.
"Now then, Parker," said the mistress, "I'll have to sack you if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again."
Sue x
I've created a new page which gives direct links to pages on my blog that other trans people might find useful - how to select a perfume, for instance, or what swimwear to choose, or advice for keeping your hosiery neat and snag free. It's on the bar under the main banner. To judge by the stats, they're popular pages.
There are also links to useful trans metasites and news resources.
I'll be adding to it, of course.
I have always wanted to do a big resource page but the fact is that other people do it better than I can. So I'll be adding those other sites that I find especially helpful or interesting. Of course, my fellow bloggers can be found on the blogroll to the right.
I hope you find it helpful. Feedback is always welcome.
Personal news
It's been a busy week and I am looking forward to the weekend with more autumn markets to visit. We have now had two weeks of dry, sunny weather and I am well over the blues I got after all that cloud and ran in September and October.
I have not slept well, though. I dumped some random thoughts on the US election result here yesterday which is what has been troubling my sleep. I am more angry than worried. Although we saw what populism did in the 1930s-40s, with truly catastrophic results, this time round there is the blessing that autocratic and populist leaders are much more incompetent.
I'll be posting about my remaining untold adventures in the UK, describing my old photoshoot experiences and, given how much I enjoyed being a silver witch at Hallowe'en, I'll be contemplating more cosplay fun.
Have a nice weekend. How about starting it off cheerfully with an oh-too-true and funny song, this rare little 1940s number, "I caught my husband wearing my dress" that has just dropped from Sus Records. These AI song systems now are incredible. Obviously it wasn't long before someone realised you could write rude or ridiculous songs in older styles and many of the offerings are hilarious because of the incongruity between, say, classic rock and roll and modern sexual interests. However, most are not safe for work or family home time. But this one is clean and I loved it.
Sue x
I am not quite sure what to say about the US election. A few random thoughts buzzed round my head last night and I dumped them here.
I am not looking forward to having the world's noisiest narcissist dinning his grotesque ego into all our ears and having it amplified to megaphone pitch by the world's media every goddam day until he finally dies.
The best way to silence a malignant narcissist like Trump
is not to point up each and every single lie or abusive remark or crime
or fraud and explain its wrongness. That just keeps him and his narrative constantly in the news,
not you and yours. Opponents still haven't understood this. To
silence a narcissist, a liar and a bully you should turn off the mike.
Ignore them. Without the oxygen of publicity they die.
I think a very large part of the rest of the world has begun to have had enough of the USA. Even here in Italy, a US ally where most families have distant relatives across the pond. Just for instance, and only in terms of US soft power, Italy has a growing Slow Food Movement as a direct reaction to American fast food, which is deemed to be degrading. Eating is a daily pleasure and should be savoured, preferably with family, friends or colleagues, not gulped on the hoof. It's why businesses close for three hours in the middle of every working day here. Not so great for profits but the work/life balance can't be bettered. This week I have heard strong complaints about the import of US Hallowe'en consumerism. Even my recent prizes from the supermarket are US icons: Peanuts character dolls ... and they've not been popular (which is why I got given another). People are tiring of the US Kulturkampf. If the USA wants continued influence, it needs to cultivate friendship and co-operation, not appoint a leader who screams abuse and threats.
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| Soft power |
Humans direct their lives according to narratives. We are story tellers, and story livers. Most people can't cope with bare facts and raw reality. There's no point in trying to reason with irrational or emotional people, no use presenting the real situation to people set on beliefs. Reason is the wrong tool for the job: it breeds shame in believers and so a need to defend and dig in their heels. For some reason, Trump's half-incoherent narrative appeals to a wide range of Americans, even though he himself is an appalling person. But we look at the brutes of history, the Hitlers and Putins and Napoleons and Caesars and it's the same thing. But I've talked about the importance of stupidity and lies before, in the context of transphobia.
Never underestimate the need for hate. A lot of people like to see other people hurt, especially groups they've decided to take their malice out on, not necessarily for any coherent reason. The conclusion of some historians as to why the Turks massacred the Armenians in 1915 is that some people like nothing more than an excuse to kill their neighbours. It's wasn't rational as the Armenians were a bulwark against Russia with whom the Turks were at war but this natural feral animal instinct took precedence. It was similar with the 1994 Rwanda genocide. I recently read Frans de Waal's book on gender with reference to humans and chimps. It left me disconcerted as extreme mass violence is regular human (and chimp) behaviour, a need even. The group you pick on is just the official public excuse. So, yes, some people will have voted Trump not because of economics but because of an instinct that hate would be tolerated and even encouraged. Inciting hate is also a great way for leaders to distract attention from their incompetence, corruption and robbing. My sister who hates LGBT people has been persuaded to do so by her religious leaders, whilst they have been doing dodgy business deals and assaulting children, which she refuses to believe. Trump and his cronies will rob the USA blind, as Johnson and his chums did in the UK during the pandemic, but as long as trans people are being pointed out as the enemy, the public aren't going to concentrate on the theft.
Well, I've dumped what was in my head and I'm going to watch a silly comedy on DVD. I think that's the best coping strategy at the moment. Although I feel galvanised to fight transphobes after yesterday's disturbing news.
Sue x
