I've been away...

I took ten days away from work this month and went to Italy, hence the length of time between posts.

Not only did I need the break but I also felt the need for some culture and some amazing food...

I stayed with a very old friend who is currently working in the Pisa area. He doesn't know about Sue, one of the few left who doesn't, so my femme side didn't make an appearance. Never mind. I also met a colleague in Florence (it wasn't all holiday) and she took me to a great place for lunch with no tourists.

The local wine is terrific (yes, I was off my skin medication until the last day so I could enjoy some fabulous vino, not just the famous Chianti but also Bolgheri, Montepulciano, Vernaccia...

And the food... and the restaurants. I've never had pork with bitter orange before; spaghetti with fresh tuna sauce cascading like a wave from a scallop shell; duck and orange ravioli; lots of wild boar stew, platters of beautiful hams and salamis; battered rabbit; fresh sea bream in a restaurant perched on the cliffs above the sea. Fabulous. And ice cream... oh, yes.

I love the way they decorate the fruit flavour tubs with luscious looking fresh fruit

Here's a few illustrated features from my travels... interesting, I hope, and some amusing...

PISA: the money shot

Pisa is a massive fraud. The tower is actually dead straight; it's all the other buildings that are leaning.

VOLTERRA: ancient Volterrae, one of the 12 great Etruscan cities before the Romans came, perched on the crest of a steep hill with a remarkable museum of Etruscan civilization. Quite by chance, we happened to be there during a gathering of classic Italian racing cars in the town square.

She-demon with horns (1st C BC) - this appealed to me!

Ancient bronze - I think it looks like Donald Trump!

Super Italian cars in super Italian square

When Italian car manufacturers came up with racing cars like this, everyone thought they were having a laugh... until they kept winning!

FLORENCE: world capital of art and culture.

Baptistry, Belltower, Cathedral, Dome... a beautiful complex of buildings

Florence has the most awe-inspiring spot on this planet that I know of: the Medici Tombs tucked away behind the church of San Lorenzo. I have been here several times and some years ago, for 30 seconds, I was alone - no tourists, no custodians - just me and Michelangelo's statuary that is so lifelike and alive it almost creeped me out. Lorenzo de' Medici sits pensive whilst, on the sarcophagus itself, Dusk gets ready to slumber and Dawn is waking. Giuliano de' Medici, Day and Night are on the opposite wall. The whole chapel is an extraordinary conception by an extraordinary man, and I am always in awe here:

LEGHORN (LIVORNO): Not a great tourist magnet (especially after being wrecked in World War II) but I was curious about the English engineers and architects who designed much of it in the late 16th and early 17th centuries, notably Sir Robert Dudley, and Inigo Jones whose portico for the cathedral (which part largely survived the bombing) is like his portico for St Paul's Church in Covent Garden, London. I was also curious to see the markets which were once thriving centres for selling WWII army surplus and black market goods - the sort of haunt of Milo Minderbinder from Catch 22.

Livorno Cathedral, carefully rebuilt after WWII

New Venice, part of a series of canals round the forts.

LIGURIAN SEA: I haven't seen this sea since I was a little kid on family holidays. It's rather fabulous in the evening light...

16th C coastal defence tower at Calafuria, with a rather nice 21st C bar attached!

Beautiful sunset over the Ligurian Sea at the fabulous Astragalo restaurant at Castiglioncello. The fish ravioli and fresh sea bream were delicious, especially with a view like this.

SAN GIMIGNANO: another postcard city, Medieval and unspoilt, perched on a hill with numerous tall towers. 

Just imagine living in the Middle Ages... with no elevators

Bride sharing a drink through massive straws with her guests in San Gimignano. I don't know if her impressively resonant burp is some local tradition. If so, her husband will be a proud man; if not, he may already be having second thoughts!

Well, that's just a taste of some of my holiday snaps. I won't bore you with more, but just to say that this part of the world is incredible... for its natural beauty, its extraordinary culture, its world-beating artistry and its beautiful fresh food. I also got a tan. And put on half a stone in weight. Oops!

Sue x

Anniversaries

On 21st April the Queen celebrated her 90th birthday. That's a milestone worth celebrating in anyone's life, but it's all the more remarkable for such a public figure.

Two days later it was both St George's Day and also the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's death. Although I used to be bored by the Bard at school, I decided to join a London tour guide to see the festivities around the rebuilt Globe Theatre. There were 37 screens showing excerpts from his 37 plays. Apart from one screen that didn't work. The play? The Comedy of Errors, of course!

Excerpt from a modern dress version of Hamlet, opposite St Paul's Cathedral

Shakespeare's Globe Theatre on Shakespeare Day.

White and red roses on the gates of the theatre.

No signal is no laughing matter

I mention these recent national anniversaries as they show the importance of celebrating important things. For my little part, today marks two anniversaries. One, the departure from one career that I had grown to hate. The new outlook I gained from that event enabled me to find my feminine life in a very real way. The second is the anniversary of my setting up my little business. It was a gamble, of course, but I put the effort in to make it work. And last week I had far more clients call to request my services than I could possibly provide and now I feel vindicated that changing careers and working for myself was the best move I ever made. Not least because I now work en femme whenever I like.

My little celebration today included an evening in full makeup. Phase Two of my Eczema Recovery Programme. More details of that in a forthcoming post.

Sue x

Be wary of researchers

A lot of the time, trans folk are approached by students, artists, TV companies, etc. to be part of their research, projects, documentaries and so on.

Sounds good, huh? People interested in transgender matters want to make us better known.

And sometimes the research is legitimate. I've taken part in a couple of peer-reviewed academic studies and they were all to the good.

But so much of the time the person contacting you wants you to be part of their project for which the agenda has already been set by them:

"I want transgender people to be interviewed for my dissertation on the discrimination suffered by them everywhere so that they can give real-life examples of this common occurrence"

"I want transgender people for my performance art project where performers will eat endless candies to represent the oppression of having to take hormone pills"

"I want transgender people for my photography show which will show your male and female portraits side by side"

"I want transgender people for this great documentary we're doing about how transgender girls find it a struggle to come out to their families. We'd like to film you telling your family that you are a transgender and show their reaction. We will be very respectful to all participants, of course, and you will be on national TV. We retain control of all content and editorial matters."

Yes, these are the kinds of requests I've received and seen over the years. Students who have already decided what the outcome of their research should be and want examples to back them up. (Evidence-based conclusions? What's that?) Media types who want to exploit vulnerabilities for entertainment (sorry, educational, sensitive documentation for improving public awareness). Artists with all the greed of hedge fund manager, the bullying of a sargeant and the sensitivity of a brick.

So what I would say to you if you want to take part in research or a project is: it may be good and worthwhile ... or it may not. Find out what's really going on before committing yourself, and don't support other people's set agenda or preconceptions. We are who we are, not who they say we are.

I do so wish there were more legitimate, properly funded and peer-reviewed neutral research by professionals on trans life - why we are, how we are, not what we are or are deemed to be, especially not for prurient curiosity or entertainment.

Sue x

For one night only

So I tested makeup on my face to see what would happen after five months of medication for eczema.

I put on my full makeup starting at 10pm on Friday and kept it all on for an hour before removing it, not with the standard cleansers but with the lotion that my doctor prescribed that I use as a soap substitute and moisturiser. I had also taken an antihistamine and covered my face in medication before starting. I have been using both since.

For 24 hours there was no reaction. My skin was incredibly soft because of all the emollient lotion I had used. In fact, a female friend remarked that I looked as soft and smooth as a baby's bottom (at least, I think she meant it as a compliment!) After 36 hours, though, there was an inflammation at the sides of my neck (where Frankenstein's monster has his bolts). Possibly I hadn't cleansed enough there ... or it's where my wig touches most with its irritant conditioner, or my necklace, or my blouse or my nightie, or maybe I had cleansed by rubbing too hard. Who knows? It's not so swollen and red now after 48 hours, but my chin is a little sore. I continue to monitor. I may try this again next weekend, for longer.

Here's proof. And only another trans person will appreciate the joy of being able to present how you feel.

Sue x

Testing, testing

A couple of months ago I posted that I was in despair that the regime to cure my eczema had not worked. (Incidentally, it's interesting how popular disaster posts are!)

After a gentler regime since then with less potion and more moisturiser, things have improved once more and I am now shaving most days. I am not, however, cured. But after two years of this disfiguring illness I am growing desperate to feel the breeze on my legs again and my heels clicking on the pavement. So I will be doing a test shortly of how my face reacts to an hour or two in makeup, and how quickly I can damp down any inflammation that might arise using the approved creams, pills and potions.

I was invited to join girls in Brighton next weekend but it is still too soon. However, lunch at St Katharine Docks by Tower Bridge on May 7th might be a possibility as a second test. A few hours in makeup and the chance to scoot home to remove makeup if my face starts to prickle might work.

My fingernails are looking lovely and long and neat, my toenails are painted in anticipation, my gorilla fur has been removed and I am going to tame the caterpillars on my brows...

Fingers crossed.

Sue x

More than one way to be visible

31 March was Transgender Day of Visibility. I wasn't visible on the street as I am still not well, though somewhat improved. And I hear a lot of girls saying they would so like to be out and about and part of it. But I think that just being online - via social media, photo sites, trans forums, a blog - or being known to spouse or friends, is in its own way showing your visibility to the world even if you can't actually be outside for whatever reason. A presence of any kind makes you visible to the world, and that is good enough.

This happens to be my 200th blog post. So even if someone stumbles across this blog by accident or when searching for something else (Hell Bunny dress anyone?) they'll know there's another TGirl in the world.

This is Sue Richmond reporting from Westminster...

Sue x

To tell or not to tell?

There are very few friends who now don't know that I am a lifelong transvestite. About four left to tell, in fact. I was coming out to everyone over the last few years, with positive results, until a really abusive betrayal by someone two years ago made me cautious with the rest. (Needless to say, that betraying 'friend' is no longer on my Christmas card list.)

I've known this female friend (let's call her A) for about six years now and she's fun and sweet and we get on really well. She's a London tour guide and seems fascinated by the lives of people with different gender expression, wants to end one of her guided tours in Molly Moggs or some other drag venue, is an avid fan of the stage show Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which she sees every few months, is going to see the Drag Graduation at London's Royal Vauxhall Tavern LGBT pub this coming Wednesday, and was telling me (my male side, that is) that apparently most transvestites are not gay, often have wives and families, are really nice and friendly and love being women and being treated as women. I nodded, feigning indifference to this information. She has another close friend (call her B) who also seems fascinated by TGirls and often brings the subject up. Trouble is, my long term female friend (C) who introduced these two is not keen on transvestism. C's very far from bigoted (in fact, her best friend is a gay man whom she has supported through difficult times) but she finds it weird that an ostensible male would dress as female.

I am determined to get back on the scene. Let me see what A thinks of the drag show. Then... should I tell? Given that A loves lingerie shopping and asks my (male) opinion on her knickers and lipstick, she'll probably make a great shopping companion and supportive friend. But with several bad experiences of losing friends because of one bitch in each group, I am wary, especially as she and her girlfriends B, C (and D) aka "the Babes" share everything (I am a (male) Honorary Babe, as I've mentioned here before and I am party to their gossip also) .

There's no answer to this. This friend A actually did see me dressed a few years ago at my local station. My heart stopped... but she didn't recognise me at all, and didn't even seem to notice that there was a TGirl three yards from her nose as we got on the same carriage.

I think she might be a good ally... or will she?

Why is this always so hard?

Sue x

Winter sun

I had a lovely relaxed break in the Canary Islands last week. Lanzarote this time. A lot warmer then home, that's for sure, as only a loon would go out every day here in March with bare arms and legs. (Hmm, I think I probably just implied every transvestite out clubbing in a minidress in March is a loon! - hey, draw your own conclusions!)

Lovely hotel room - possibly the nicest I've ever stayed in - beautiful hotel grounds with palms and shrubs, secluded beach and clean sea, good restaurants, generally peaceful and quiet, and a view of the island of Fuerteventura in the distance. Perfect. Well, I do work very hard so I decided to treat myself.

The potions I have been taking for my eczema have made my skin photosensitive and it was weird trying to sunbathe but keep my face covered. (Some might say that's an improvement!) The other problem is that these potions are suppressing my immune system, which might explain the cold I had at New Year, the flu I had in February and the fact that I have another cold now, not things I am usually too badly affected by. The sun may have done a little good to the skin of my face but I will monitor things over the next couple of weeks and then decide what's bet to do with the ongoing situation.

Anyway, here are a few more sunny pictures to brighten up the freezing days we've had here this week.

Fancy a swim in the pool...

...or at the little secluded beach...

...or at the main beach?

One of the hotel cats used to visit me regularly ... and made itself very much at home! It didn't offer to split the bill with me, though.

These nice little aviaries dotted around the hotel grounds meant there was always birdsong. Although there were no actual canaries!

Sue x

Time out - holiday

I'm going on holiday for ten days. If I say so myself, I work hard and I need a break. I also need some sunlight. Britain is officially one of the cloudiest nations on earth and, although winters aren't desperately cold, they are very dark and grey. I benefited so much from my trip to the Canary Islands last November that I have decided to go back again.

It will also be an opportunity to see if a change of climate does my debilitating eczema any good. After I come back I will have to decide how to deal with the issue, since the strict regime I followed under the doctors hasn't worked. One part of that deal was that whilst using the various medical creams I should not drink alcohol. The deal is done and today I opened a bottle of wine that a friend gave me for Christmas. If I can't be cured, I might as well be pickled! Cheers!

Sue x

Despair

I have had a very severe bout of 'flu and am still not feeling good after ten days of it. But it's time to update the blog with the results of my other health checks.

I went to the allergy clinic at Guy's Hospital in the howling gales a fortnight ago and had patches with about 80 substances applied to my back to see if my skin reacted to them. In brief, nothing happened. So I'm not allergic to anything.

This is not the good news it may seem. It means that the eczema that has bugged me continually all my life, which erupts on my face every ten years or so and which can last months or usually years, and which has currently brought my femme existence to a halt, is probably genetic in origin and therefore incurable.

As if to mock me further, this morning it was back all over my face, as if the last three months of treatment had never happened.

I started this blog to be a cheerful celebration of trans life. But I don't know what to do any more. There's a hole in my very soul. I feel such despair.

Sue x