Today is the fourth anniversary of my starting writing this blog and I have always put a post up about it on the anniversary. I will, however, leave blogging about blogging for now as I want to report back on an interview with my doctor this morning that has left me feeling hopeless.
I went to have a really serious talk with my doctor (General Practitioner - GP), a woman I find it easy to talk to, as I must find better care or cure for the eczema and inflammation that has destroyed my femme life because this condition means I cannot wear makeup or use any product on my face without experiencing a severe flareup. Last week, for instance, after a day in a standard non-hypoallergenic, non-cosmetic foundation (which was Kryolan TV greasepaint suitable for all skin types, and even for kids, and which I have used regularly since 2008 with no problems) my facial skin blistered, wept and cracked and then fell off three days later and my eyelids swelled up till they looked like lychees and my neck puffed up red, pimpled and sore. It took a week to get back to merely being flaky and itchy. Other factors may have played a role: a new sleeping bag probably still with manufacturer's chemicals in it, the friend I stayed with having bad psoriasis, a different environment... I wish I could pin it down to one cause, one thing to be avoided.
The discussion with my GP this morning left me hopeless. She confirmed her colleague's views last year that there has been no progress worth speaking of in this field since I went to see the consultants 30 years ago. Indeed, she said that NHS consultant dermatologists now won't normally see any new eczema cases as this chronic condition has defied cure. This situation is a step backwards from 30 years ago. However, she will still refer me. If they turn me down then she and I will have a further discussion on what to do, including the trans factor which, in the end, I barely touched on as I felt that the reason why I would particularly want a cure makes no difference to facts: there is no certain cause and no known cure. To be fair, the Eczema Society, dermatologists, and other relevant persons have always emphasised that different things trigger it for different people (e.g. it's stress for some, but it's contact with certain things for people like me), that the condition takes different forms and intensities, and that different remedies work for different people. Like we are finding with cancer or diabetes, it might actually be a collection of similar diseases labelled under one umbrella.
I want to think about how to deal with this. Growing a beard and leaving my skin totally alone is the best remedy I have ever found and it did a lot of good but it didn't cure it off my face completely. Do I grow another beard for 1 or 2 or 3 or more years till it's all gone off my face? or try to get some femme time each month but possibly put up with inflammation and flareups for ever because it can never heal properly?
I feel really devastated as well as poxy. Without my femme life I have lost my very soul.