Coming out - a mixed blessing

It was national ‘coming out day’ last week, and people were telling their stories. Some chose to come out about being gay or trans, too, including, it seems, my friend Roz. Wishing her every good outcome.

In brief, my 'coming out' story:

I tried coming out to my mother about wanting to be treated as a girl when I was 6. She hadn’t a clue what I was on about. 6-year olds are not eloquent, and they get put off by negative reactions. When my parents realised I was crossdressing in my teens, their sinister mutterings prevented my letting on again to anyone until my 40s.

And when I did come out over the last few years, most of my friends were understanding – and even enthusiastic – when I let them know I was trans. All apart from one group of close friends who pretended to be supportive and then proceeded to out me to others and tore into me when they let me holiday with them as Sue. What pigs! – some friendship appears deep but is really just superficial. The betrayal was so shocking that I will only now come out when essential. I haven't posted about this episode yet but maybe the lesson will be a useful one for others. I truly value those friends who have learned that I am trans and just accept that. They're the majority and it's great that society seems to be progressing favourably.


So… coming out. A mixed blessing, I’d say.

Why do gay and trans people have to run this gauntlet anyway? Hoping for a day when no-one even needs to be formally informed in this way.

Sue x

Still here!

I haven't posted anything for a month. Sometimes you just don't feel like posting, even though quite a lot has been happening. Like sometimes you don't feel feminine, or feel like dressing.

My last post was about andro in Orkney so soon there should be one about being andro in London as I have been meeting up with my TGirlfriends even though I'm still not quite well enough to go out fully dressed myself.

This September has been largely warm and fine, which helps a bit with health. And I haven't had to use the most powerful medicine on my face for three months, so I am hopeful now. Let's see what happens.

Sue x

Andro in Orkney

I have a very special TGirlfriend called Roz White who has rejoiced at my triumphs and comiserated with my tragedies over the years. Ever since I met her online in around 2008 I have been trying to meet up with Roz in real life. But the problem has been distance as she lives at the opposite end of Britain from me. So after many discussions and failed attempts, and years of being just e-friends, I decided to visit her at home in the Orkney Islands off the north coast of Scotland. It’s the furthest north I have ever been.

Roz’s family now know she is trans and have been very accepting in the time since she came out to them. And they are a lovely, welcoming family, too, and I was made to feel very much at home. For me, it was wonderful to meet my friend at last, take a break from all the house and work troubles I have been having, and see something totally new over a long weekend. I also met several cats, chickens and horses, not to mention eagles, eider ducks and seabirds by the hundred.

Flying there was no problem and Roz’s male alter-ego met me at Kirkwall Airport. I recognised her straight away, despite her disguise (and mine, although I dress fairly andro these days).

Orkney is famous for stone-age archaeology, wind and battleships, probably the best place in the world for all three!

So here is my diary, mainly in pictures.

Heart of Neolithic Orkney World Heritage Site Wikipedia entry

The Standing Stones of Stenness, about 5000 years old

Neolithic village near the Stones of Stenness (the stones are in the background)

Ness of Brodgar, an incredible site with big solid houses from 3000 years ago - only about a tenth has been unearthed so far

Not Hobbiton, but Skara Brae, an incredibly well preserved village occupied 4,500-5000 years ago

Skara Brae

At home with the Flintstones: stone 'dresser', central hearth, bed alcoves

Large home at Skara Brae

The curious Dwarfie Stane on the island of Hoy, a tomb hollowed from a solid rock which itself was left in place in a valley after the retreat of the Ice Age. Nearby are sea eagles' nests, and peat is cut for fuel.

Just part of the large Ring of Brodgar standing stones erected about 4000-4,500 years ago

Maes Howe, another major site, was too booked up with coach parties from the vast cruise ships that call in at Kirkwall. Pity, but we'll save it for next time.

Scapa Flow (Orkney at war)

This huge natural harbour must have been an extraordinary sight in the two World Wars when it was the navy's main anchorage for warships of all sorts. All military presence is gone now apart from a few collapsing jetties, huts and crumbling gun emplacements and the expanse of Scapa Flow is empty apart from the ferries, the odd drilling rig in for repairs and ships serving the oil terminal. A green buoy marks the resting place of HMS Royal Oak, sunk by a bold German submarine in 1939.

In 1919 the German High Seas Fleet was interned here and was famously scuttled to prevent the Allies getting hold of it. Today the remaining German wrecks are the world's primary source of low-background steel (i.e. steel produced before the detonation of atomic bombs from 1945, which is used for medical and scientific sensors which could do without nuclear contamination).

Salvaged German guns (WW1). The memorial to the WW2 Arctic Convoys is on the hill behind.

Extraordinary chapel built out of nissen huts and scrap by Italian prisoners of war in WW2. The interior is beautifully painted Italian_Chapel

The well-preserved Hackness martello tower which protected British ships against pesky American privateers during the War of 1812. It was windy up at the top!

Other stuff

I love the pale purple hue of these thistles. And the landscape seems typical of Mainland.

That cat who felt trapped in a dog's body. I know how poor kitty feels!

An oil rig chugs out to sea under it's own power. It was towed in by ships earlier, presumably for repairs or maintenance.

The sandstone columns of Kirkwall's cathedral have not weathered well!

St Magnus Cathedral, Kirkwall, has a lovely colour

The hills of the island of Hoy wearing their cloud hats. Beyond is the open Atlantic.

Looking towards Scapa Flow from an abandoned battery near Stromness.

Remote Rackwick on Hoy with it's beach of smooth round boulders. The famous Old Man of Hoy sea stack is 3 miles round the cliff (but we didn't get to see it as lunch was calling). The ferry from mainland Scotland is in the far distance.

Disused fortifications, oil rigs, lighthouses, a scattering of islands, rolling farmland, changeable sky... I think this photo sums up what I saw of Orkney

Farewell... islands drop away as I fly back to London

Thank you Roz and your lovely family for a perfect, peaceful break. One day we will meet in our posh frocks.

Read Roz on her blog (see list to the right) or make friends with her online. It's worth it.

Sue x

Happy fifth birthday, Blog!

My blog is five years old! It has scuffed sandals, a grazed knee, one sock hanging down and bunches in its hair.

And five is also about the age I was when I recollect I first started feeling that being a girl was somehow right.

So, Mr Stats, my eternal companion here, who won’t let me get anywhere in the Blog Creation and Management Facility without my going through his statistical page, tells me that, as of now I have 38 followers (hello recent addition Robin), 72,865 page views, and that the popularity of the post about the TGirl Bar 2013 (1 Dec 2013) has overtaken Nottingham Invasion (23 Jan 2012) which previously held the top spot since it was first published. Nostalgia Trip to Pink Punters (16 Dec 2012), When Surgery Goes Wrong (Again) (5 April 2015) and Nottingham Invaded Again (18 Mar 2012) are the next most popular. Last month was the busiest here, with apparently lots of visitors from Russia. I guess these statistics have curiosity value, or use for someone. Thanks to Lynn, Mandy and KD and all of you who comment – I do appreciate your thoughts.

When I started this blog I was on a high, living my female life to the full. It’s nothing like that now because of illness and other troubles and I feel low. I am going to try to get out again very gently and tentatively. I think there will be more exciting posts soon.

Sue x

Skin verdict

I had a lovely time with my friend Roz White and her wonderful family in their home in the far north of Britain, which will be the subject of a blog post soon with lots of pretty photos.

But first, an important update on the health problem that has so curtailed my feminine life. 

Yesterday I had my appointment with the skin specialist at the hospital. Things are a lot better, but I'm not cured. A slight change of prescription but essentially it looks like I will be able to go out dressed from time to time and then fight off any flareups with the relevant meds, which is the conclusion I was coming to anyway. That's about the best I can hope for.

I wish this problem would just go away, and one day it will, probably as fast and as mysteriously as it came. I know, though, that any real prospect of living full-time female or transitioning is pretty much out of the question now as I won't ever be sure that the problem won't remain or return, preventing my wearing makeup when it does and not letting me have laser/electro on my face. 

I will go back to the specialist as and when necessary.

Still, after my appointment I met a very old friend on one of his rare trips to London and he insisted on treating me to a huge dinner out. So that cheered me up :-) There's not a lot a free dinner won't cure!

Sue x

TGirls care

My last post mentioned some of the horrible things that have been happening in the last few weeks. But if there's one thing that can be relied on, is that TGirls do care for one another. I have had so many nice calls and messages in the last two weeks from my TGirlfriends, some of whom I've not been able to see for years because of my illness. Thank you, girls.

Things appear to be rallying a little workwise after the Brexit slump, although August is always dead so I won't really be sure of the situation till mid-autumn, so I remain worried. And I am pleased to say that it seems that a lot of my neighbours are no longer being terrorised by the conmen but are taking more intelligent steps to see about maintenance issues. It's still very stressful, though.

I have cancelled all my holidays bar one, which is a trip this weekend to visit my friend Roz and her wonderfully supportive family. Roz and I have been trying to meet for years but distance and timing have always thwarted our plans. In the end, I booked some flights a while ago to take me near enough to her end of the country. Exciting... and I do need a break from here.

Sue x

Things not good

I haven't posted for a month.

That's because things have been really horrible.

Work has been badly affected by the political situation after Britain voted to leave the European Union - much of my work comes from the rest of Europe, you see.

There's a potentially very expensive piece of maintenance for homes in our street to do. If that wasn't worrying enough, as soon as the problem arose a bunch of con men got onto the case and are scaring the  residents here into doing massively expensive and inappropriate repairs for three times the going rate. Trying to persuade people that they are being conned is not easy.

So that no money is wasted, I have cancelled my summer holidays, bar one weekend trip that was paid for up-front. I had to cancel Sparkle and missed seeing all my friends.

I have been very distressed about all this for three weeks. Fortunately, my T girlfriends have been kind enough to phone me to cheer me up.

Could do with a kind word.

Sue x

Vigil for Orlando

All over the world there are vigils and tributes to the victims of the mass murder of patrons at a gay club in Orlando, Florida.

There is a huge vigil in London's Soho tonight - thousands are there. It brings back memories of the gay pub bombing there in 1999, an attack by a similar loner motivated by similar reasons.

The majority of my friends are either gay or transgendered and so the people in Orlando were, in a way, friends I hadn't met yet. Now I can't.

I'm not ready to put on makeup yet but whatever pain I might get from doing so tonight is little compared to that of their families and friends, and all of us like them.

I doesn't matter what the haters do or say, I will never be able to deny or remove the fact that I am trans, always was and always will be, as all my many LGBT friends are who they are.

Let's keep acknowledging this even in the face of hostility and malice.

Love you.

Sue x

It's official - I am going to Sparkle

I have made the decision that I will attend Sparkle 2016.

I wasn't sure because of my state of health, but when Joanne Stevens (she of the TGirl bar) rang to say she was coming and we then agreed to share the apartment I'd provisionally booked at Atrium, that settled it.

Sparkle is the UK's national transgender celebration http://www.sparkle.org.uk/

It's the most fun and joyous event I know of!

Sue x

On the verge of getting out again... thanks to your support

A few weeks ago I started testing makeup and stuff on my face again to see what the reaction would be.

For my first test I wore makeup for 1-2 hours. That wasn't too bad. My eczema did flare up but I zapped it with medicines and it died down after three days.

For the second test I wore makeup for 3-4 hours and the result was similar, though a little more severe, but it was under control after about four days.

When I went to Sunny Italy I knew that I couldn't wear sunscreen on my face as it would provoke a reaction, so I opted for a big floppy hat to cover my head and face (the rest of me was OK for sunscreen). The trouble is that the light reflects so I got a little sunburnt on my neck and under my chin and that caused quite a bad flareup that hasn't fully died down even after two weeks.

I think I will try another makeup test in the next day or two but I reckon I will probably be able to go out for a few hours now perhaps once every two or three weeks. Maybe a quick lunch with my girlfriends? That's what I have been missing so badly these last couple of years.

This illness is somewhat better and more manageable thanks to the better drugs they have now. But I think what has mainly kept me focused is all the support of my friends. As well as all the supportive comments on my blog, Flickr and Facebook, people have kept in touch by phone and email.

So thank you all so much. I'd especially like to mention Joanne, Emma, Roz, Lynn, KD, Ange, Sarah, Saffy, Rachel, Stella and Angela who have been especially supportive and have checked up on me regularly, as it were. And to the friend who sent me her ring (below) and a talisman, thank you for your big heart.

My friends are the most important thing in my life and when I have struggled they have proved their worth.

Thank you.

Sue x