Big anniversary

This Wednesday, 22 January, was a big anniversary. It marked ten years since I was first in public as a woman.

The occasion was the UK Angels tenth birthday party, which was held at Pink Punters, a well-known LGBT nightclub.

Prior to this I had, of course, been acting on my trans nature since I was very small, but only ever in private. In 2004, other trans people online recommended I go to the Boudoir dressing service to be properly made up, which I did. Jodie the proprietor in turn recommended the Angels forum as a good way to get to know other trans people, and to get information and advice on trans life and on the trans scene in Britain. She was right and a very good forum it was. It's still going  https://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/ although I haven't been there for some years.

So there was going to be a party. And the people I had got to know in the forum were all planning to be there. Good opportunity to go out as a woman and make a lifelong dream come true? You bet!

Although the forum posts following the event have long since been deleted from the Angels forum for reasons of space, I can still remember that day as though it were yesterday.

I arrived at the Campanile hotel opposite the venue in mid-afternoon and spent nearly five hours getting ready. I've improved my routine a lot since then, but I needed time to feel that I'd got my hair, makeup and party clothes as right as I could make them.

I wore a sequinned black jacket, a silver lace skirt and silver top and my Tinkerbelle necklace (it was the nearest thing to an Angel I have!) My wig was my first, one I had bought from the Boudour. Perhaps rather '70s in style, but still a favourite. My makeup was what Jodie had recommended, based on Kryolan foundation.

And then came that heart-stopping moment when I reached for the hotel bedroom door handle. Although I knew that just about everyone in the hotel was there for the same reason as me, this was the first moment anyone was going to see me as Sue. Inevitably, I hoped I would (a) pass as a woman and (b) scrub up nicely compared to my friends. These are the kinds of worries we have to start with and later we allow to drop.

Tingling with nervous anticipation, it took a false start before I finally stepped into the hotel corridor and allowed the bedroom door to close behind me. And then I walked down the corridor, heart in mouth. Of course, I was well used to walking in heels. But walking the short distances in your own home and walking a long straight corridor are two different things. And being out of your private safety zone for the first time adds to the awkwardness. Supposing someone spots me, I worried. No-one did, but I did steel myself not to scarper if someone else entered the corridor. And then out the front door into the car park and the cold January air. I'd never felt the cold on my legs before, a new and weird sensation, but one that felt right. And then (deep breath!) into the reception block (don't look at the receptionists and they won't spot me!) to the bar where the girls were all meeting ... and right near the door I recognised several from their profile pictures. Safe!

What a crowd of TGirls! At least 50, I'd say. There I met Emma, Claire, Gayna, Wilhelmina, Justine, Bea, Louise, Dee and many others... all for the first time. And Ange was there, the one whom I'd met up with a few times before. There  was Jo and the other 'staff' of the forum, and Jodie Lynn from the Boudoir. I recognised several others but with so much to take in I didn't get to say more than hi.

There aren't many photos of me from this event, but my favourite is this one, which Emma took.

L-R: Sarah Cat, Ange P, me, Wilhelmina, Claire. Emma behind the camera. All still good friends.

I hadn't the courage to go out into town to eat in a restaurant so several of us had agreed to have a meal in the hotel bar. And then it was time to go over the road to Pink Punters. Again, several firsts: my first time walking in heels on tarmac, grass and down a muddy embankment, my first time in a public street, albeit briefly, my first time trying to avoid getting knocked down by fast traffic and still look dignified and feminine ... and again that breeze around my legs.

I don't recall the party itself quite so well. A club's a club and I mainly prefer to sit and chat to my friends with a pleasant drink in my hand and, with so much to exchange, the conversations went on happily for hours. I suspect there was dancing (I don't have much of an ear for music, rhythm or movement, so we'll call my motions dancing, to be polite). And then the return journey across the road and through the car park in the cold air of the small hours, tingling with the thrill of what I had just experienced. With so much adrenalin, I found it hard to sleep. But that didn't matter.

*
I can't believe this was ten years ago. It actually seems like a lifetime ago that this happened, but in a good way as I packed so much in afterwards. After this event, I returned to Pink Punters a few months later with some of my friends from that night. That was the first time I went to a restaurant in the real world as a woman. Gradually over that summer I went out more and more, for the first time locally and in central London, then to have makeup and wig advice in Mac and Trendco, and then to Sparkle in July 2010. From which point, a lifetime's worth of fear and worry about living authentically as a trans person evaporated and the period 2011-13 when I spent most of my time as a woman was the most amazing of my whole life - see the early days of this blog. It can be done, you just need that initial courage and, ideally, the support of the trans community to do it.

So many thanks to all my trans friends, to my friends who are supportive allies, to people who take time to organise events and support for trans people. Thanks to Jo and Kim Angel for setting up Angels and to all the great friends I made through that site. Thanks for reading this blog, too, and sharing part of my life as a trans woman. It all began properly that night ten years ago.

Sue x

Warm January

The good news is that at last I have proper internet at home. They finally sent a young man who was far more on-the-ball than the cynical old technicians who'd come before and he identified the source of the problem within a few moments. I have confidence in the younger generation and I'm not sure we're handing the world over to them in a shape that they deserve.

The other good news is that this January I have been enjoying sunny, mild weather and am spending plenty of time outdoors. This is bliss and something I only ever dreamed of. I really couldn't take much more of British damp and cold. It's not that Britain in winter is all that cold compared to much of the Northern hemisphere - on the contrary, it's relatively mild thanks largely to the Gulf Stream - but winter goes on for so long. I used to wear a coat from September to May, eight months or so every year, which is too much, and I'd be shivering all the time, and covering myself in sweaters and thick tights and long woolly socks. At least the improvement in central heating systems in recent decades stopped me getting the chillblains I suffered from as a child. So, yes, I'm enjoying it here in the Med very much.

The perhaps not so good news, though very relevant, is that I'm suffering a lot of dysphoria at the moment and although I dress happily enough at home, I am missing the real life adventures that I used to have. I am still unsure of my ground in this wholly new environment but I have come across the local LGBT network where I live and am getting in touch for advice and support on living a more open and authentic trans life here. More info on that as and when it comes.

I used to make a point of changing my avatar on New Year's Day every year, picking my favourite photo from the previous year. Somehow, I can't be bothered to do that this year, what with the upheavals of 2019. But there'll be new photos of me soon, no doubt.

Sue x

Happy New Year

Wishing a Happy New Year to everyone. I hope 2020 is fulfilling and satisfactory for you.

In the past I did a roundup of each year's events. But 2019 was such a strange and stressful year, involving so little activity as a trans person in the real world, that there seems little point in summarising it.

I haven't made any resolutions this year. But I am confident that 2020 will be more relaxed than 2019 and that I will be finding new friends and trans activities in my new home in Italy.

Best wishes

Sue x

Best seasonal wishes

To all my readers, let me send you best wishes for the time of year. I hope your year ends peacefully and happily, you get some lovely presents and that you also get a decent break from all the rush.

Love

Sue x

The troubles of a democrat

I am very troubled by what has happened in the United Kingdom politically, especially in the last year. I won't go into full details in this post but will explain in another why this is such a dangerous and frightening situation. A carefully balanced constitutional arrangement in Britain dating from the late seventeenth century has been wrecked and will be demolished shortly. That this collapse in even limited democracy should happen so fast and within my own lifetime shocks me. Not to mention the proposal to remove human rights. This from a country that was instrumental in promoting them, notably after the horrors of World War 2.

I started this blog in 2011 in an effort to show trans people that living authentically as themselves in Britain was not only possible but enjoyable. As a trans person - indeed, just as a person - I don't feel safe in the UK any more, and I won't return.

My efforts to settle elsewhere - currently in Italy - are progressing slowly but surely. I have my permit to stay under European rules, which doubles as a residence certificate. I now have an ID card, too, albeit in my boy name. From January, I can get a health card that enables me to use the national health service and can stop paying for private health insurance (required under European rules). I have put in my application for Italian citizenship, which I am entitled to do under an old law of 1912 that grants it to anyone who had an Italian ancestor. So if you can prove you were descended from Julius Caesar then you can be an Italian citizen, too. (OK, I exaggerate.) That's important to me as I'd rather live in a liberal democracy with human rights and a health service than under a dictatorship or oligarchy. Besides, they've got cool sports cars here and, well, what girl can resist that?

I am spending Christmas with a relative of mine (a Mr Caesar), so no pretty frocks this year. But at least I am enjoying considerably better weather than in previous Christmases in the UK. I'll post again before Christmas Day to send my readers greetings, but right now I remain troubled.

Sue x

Taking it slowly

Oh dear, my blog's a little bit neglected, isn't it? Blame the limited access to internet over the last year. I have been trying to get Wifi installed in my new home over the last two months and the process has become a farce. The fact that when the flat was modernised the builders plonked a new wall through the phone wire is not a problem that any competent engineer should be unable to overcome, surely?

This last month I have been doing very little - and believe me, that is a delight after many years of hard work and stress. My little collection of feminine articles makes me happy, as ever, and I have come across a trans support group locally, although I haven't made proper contact yet because of  these internet problems.

Despite the heavy rains all over Europe, I have been enjoying autumn sunshine and warmth, which were things that I always found very lacking in Britain. This better weather has already improved my health and general wellbeing. A typical outdoors temperature here on the Mediterranean coast this month has been 18C (65F). For the time of year, that's bliss.

Sue x

New home

I've moved into my new home but I still don't have proper internet access as the people trying to install my Wifi are a bunch of clowns. So that's why I haven't posted in a while.

But I have filled my wardrobe with some of my favourite clothes from England and quite a few more bought in Italy and am living my femme life again, albeit quietly in private as I am not yet certain of my ground in public.

Here's me in my home.

Once my internet is functioning I'll be trying trying to contact and meet local LGBT groups.

Sue x

Looking for a new home

I've spent much of the spring and summer doing two important things. One is ensuring I have a settled status in Italy, at least for the next year, and the other is actually finding a proper home to live in. Family and friends have been very kind and let me stay with them whilst I look for a new home but it does feel like camping out.

Next week I hope my residence in Italy, in Europe, will be confirmed. So many Britons, fearful of losing their human and other rights as announced by the British government, have been applying for dual citizenship with other European Union states to continue benefiting from EU rights. Italy's my best bet for that, which is partly why I'm here.

I have now found myself a new home, which I will rent for a year. It's in a beautiful spot overlooking the Mediterranean Sea just a short walk from the beach and the flat itself has ample oudoor space, ideal for catching that sun that's become so vital for my health. I'm very excited about it and should be moving in in October.

It also means I can get back to that feminine existence which is expressed only subtly at present.

Here are a few photos of some of the places I went looking for a home. They're all different but beautiful in their own separate ways.

Portovenere

The Gulf of La Spezia from Lerici

Manarola in the Cinque Terre

Cactuses at Bordighera

Camogli

Monte Carlo casino

Alassio

One of the many public parks in San Remo

Sue x

Blog anniversary and future direction

I started this blog eight years ago today as a celebration of transgender life, to encourage other trans people to live with courage as their authentic selves in the real world, which isn't as scary a thing to do as most of us often lead ourselves to believe. This blog was also intended as a celebration of London life.

Well, things have certainly changed. I no longer live in London but abroad. Partly because of some odd health problems regulating my body temperature added to the very real problem of climate change that has seen Britain become the cloudiest country in the world (to the extent that children are now given Vitamin D pills to prevent rickets and other diseases), which led my doctors to suggest I move somewhere warmer with more sunshine and more regular temperatures. And partly because the obscenely incompetent and malevolent politicians there now are in Britain, and the desperately weak constitution that leaves the country teetering on the verge of a potential dictatorship, have persuaded me that Britain is not a safe place. No right-wing regime was ever trans-friendly, not in Europe at least.

So far this year I have mainly been in Italy but have not ventured out as Sue, partly because I have mislaid my feminine essentials, partly because I am with family who would cause endless trouble if they knew, and partly because I am not sure of my ground outdoors. In big cities here like Milan, Genoa and La Spezia there are plenty of trans girls around. I have seen several and am gradually getting better acquainted with trans life here via social media. There are certainly excellent medical facilities and services if you are transitioning, as well as robust legal protections. But if you aren't transitioning, it's a bit more rough and tumble in a country that is still pretty sexist and where nobody minds their own business. So at present, as was so often the case when I was younger, I dress only when I have strict privacy.

So what of my blog? Is there a market for an English-language blog for someone who no longer lives in an English-speaking country? Well, I don't plan to close down yet, but clearly things have changed very dramatically. The days of organising Angels Lunches or London theatre trips are clearly gone, as are the days of participating in big events like the TGirl Bar or Sparkle. Of course, I may not stay in Italy but move to Spain eventually where LGBT culture is far more developed, accepted and protected. Watch this space, I guess. And that's the point. My trans life hasn't ended despite the huge changes, it's just different. I'm not at all sure what the future could hold as I'm still finding my way in a new life that's been somewhat thrust upon me. But one promise I made to myself at New Year 1997 was that I would no longer deny that I was transgender, no longer purge and no longer hide my reality from people who mattered, and that will always hold now and for ever.

My previous anniversary posts usually mentioned statistical things. But not this time - it's too masculine an obsession, in my view. Nor will I post links to the most popular pages as it skews things to those pages rather than others (the TGirl Bar 2013 is way too popular! OK, I know, who can resist all those gorgeous barmaids in pretty outfits?)

Thank you again for reading my blog, for your comments and your support. Love to you all. Be true to yourselves.

Sue x

Big travels

It's been several weeks since I last posted which is not usual with me but the reason is I have been travelling a lot and had limited internet access.

I visited many places in Italy, France, Ireland and Britain, as well as Monaco.

Manarola, Italy

Nice, France

Monaco

Pride week in Dublin, Ireland

Wells Cathedral, England

I've been travelling to these places for a variety of reasons, but essentially not for sightseeing. I remain very worried about the political and constitutional disaster happening in the UK and am still working on the details of my alternative life away from it. Really, people have no idea how terrifying the situation is in a country with no written constitution where the government has been trying its best to avoid democratic and constitutional processes for three years already. I may give more detail on my thoughts on this in another post but for now just know that I am doing my damndest to salvage what I can before the chaos arrives.

Sue x