Testing, testing

A couple of months ago I posted that I was in despair that the regime to cure my eczema had not worked. (Incidentally, it's interesting how popular disaster posts are!)

After a gentler regime since then with less potion and more moisturiser, things have improved once more and I am now shaving most days. I am not, however, cured. But after two years of this disfiguring illness I am growing desperate to feel the breeze on my legs again and my heels clicking on the pavement. So I will be doing a test shortly of how my face reacts to an hour or two in makeup, and how quickly I can damp down any inflammation that might arise using the approved creams, pills and potions.

I was invited to join girls in Brighton next weekend but it is still too soon. However, lunch at St Katharine Docks by Tower Bridge on May 7th might be a possibility as a second test. A few hours in makeup and the chance to scoot home to remove makeup if my face starts to prickle might work.

My fingernails are looking lovely and long and neat, my toenails are painted in anticipation, my gorilla fur has been removed and I am going to tame the caterpillars on my brows...

Fingers crossed.

Sue x

More than one way to be visible

31 March was Transgender Day of Visibility. I wasn't visible on the street as I am still not well, though somewhat improved. And I hear a lot of girls saying they would so like to be out and about and part of it. But I think that just being online - via social media, photo sites, trans forums, a blog - or being known to spouse or friends, is in its own way showing your visibility to the world even if you can't actually be outside for whatever reason. A presence of any kind makes you visible to the world, and that is good enough.

This happens to be my 200th blog post. So even if someone stumbles across this blog by accident or when searching for something else (Hell Bunny dress anyone?) they'll know there's another TGirl in the world.

This is Sue Richmond reporting from Westminster...

Sue x

To tell or not to tell?

There are very few friends who now don't know that I am a lifelong transvestite. About four left to tell, in fact. I was coming out to everyone over the last few years, with positive results, until a really abusive betrayal by someone two years ago made me cautious with the rest. (Needless to say, that betraying 'friend' is no longer on my Christmas card list.)

I've known this female friend (let's call her A) for about six years now and she's fun and sweet and we get on really well. She's a London tour guide and seems fascinated by the lives of people with different gender expression, wants to end one of her guided tours in Molly Moggs or some other drag venue, is an avid fan of the stage show Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which she sees every few months, is going to see the Drag Graduation at London's Royal Vauxhall Tavern LGBT pub this coming Wednesday, and was telling me (my male side, that is) that apparently most transvestites are not gay, often have wives and families, are really nice and friendly and love being women and being treated as women. I nodded, feigning indifference to this information. She has another close friend (call her B) who also seems fascinated by TGirls and often brings the subject up. Trouble is, my long term female friend (C) who introduced these two is not keen on transvestism. C's very far from bigoted (in fact, her best friend is a gay man whom she has supported through difficult times) but she finds it weird that an ostensible male would dress as female.

I am determined to get back on the scene. Let me see what A thinks of the drag show. Then... should I tell? Given that A loves lingerie shopping and asks my (male) opinion on her knickers and lipstick, she'll probably make a great shopping companion and supportive friend. But with several bad experiences of losing friends because of one bitch in each group, I am wary, especially as she and her girlfriends B, C (and D) aka "the Babes" share everything (I am a (male) Honorary Babe, as I've mentioned here before and I am party to their gossip also) .

There's no answer to this. This friend A actually did see me dressed a few years ago at my local station. My heart stopped... but she didn't recognise me at all, and didn't even seem to notice that there was a TGirl three yards from her nose as we got on the same carriage.

I think she might be a good ally... or will she?

Why is this always so hard?

Sue x

Winter sun

I had a lovely relaxed break in the Canary Islands last week. Lanzarote this time. A lot warmer then home, that's for sure, as only a loon would go out every day here in March with bare arms and legs. (Hmm, I think I probably just implied every transvestite out clubbing in a minidress in March is a loon! - hey, draw your own conclusions!)

Lovely hotel room - possibly the nicest I've ever stayed in - beautiful hotel grounds with palms and shrubs, secluded beach and clean sea, good restaurants, generally peaceful and quiet, and a view of the island of Fuerteventura in the distance. Perfect. Well, I do work very hard so I decided to treat myself.

The potions I have been taking for my eczema have made my skin photosensitive and it was weird trying to sunbathe but keep my face covered. (Some might say that's an improvement!) The other problem is that these potions are suppressing my immune system, which might explain the cold I had at New Year, the flu I had in February and the fact that I have another cold now, not things I am usually too badly affected by. The sun may have done a little good to the skin of my face but I will monitor things over the next couple of weeks and then decide what's bet to do with the ongoing situation.

Anyway, here are a few more sunny pictures to brighten up the freezing days we've had here this week.

Fancy a swim in the pool...

...or at the little secluded beach...

...or at the main beach?

One of the hotel cats used to visit me regularly ... and made itself very much at home! It didn't offer to split the bill with me, though.

These nice little aviaries dotted around the hotel grounds meant there was always birdsong. Although there were no actual canaries!

Sue x

Time out - holiday

I'm going on holiday for ten days. If I say so myself, I work hard and I need a break. I also need some sunlight. Britain is officially one of the cloudiest nations on earth and, although winters aren't desperately cold, they are very dark and grey. I benefited so much from my trip to the Canary Islands last November that I have decided to go back again.

It will also be an opportunity to see if a change of climate does my debilitating eczema any good. After I come back I will have to decide how to deal with the issue, since the strict regime I followed under the doctors hasn't worked. One part of that deal was that whilst using the various medical creams I should not drink alcohol. The deal is done and today I opened a bottle of wine that a friend gave me for Christmas. If I can't be cured, I might as well be pickled! Cheers!

Sue x

Despair

I have had a very severe bout of 'flu and am still not feeling good after ten days of it. But it's time to update the blog with the results of my other health checks.

I went to the allergy clinic at Guy's Hospital in the howling gales a fortnight ago and had patches with about 80 substances applied to my back to see if my skin reacted to them. In brief, nothing happened. So I'm not allergic to anything.

This is not the good news it may seem. It means that the eczema that has bugged me continually all my life, which erupts on my face every ten years or so and which can last months or usually years, and which has currently brought my femme existence to a halt, is probably genetic in origin and therefore incurable.

As if to mock me further, this morning it was back all over my face, as if the last three months of treatment had never happened.

I started this blog to be a cheerful celebration of trans life. But I don't know what to do any more. There's a hole in my very soul. I feel such despair.

Sue x

Health progressing

I'm pleased to say that I have lost a total of nine pounds (4kg) in January and that I can start to come off this medication this week.

The weight loss is what it was at this stage last year but then my resolve just petered out. I have a feeling that this year I will actually get back to the weight I was when I first started this blog, i.e. 2 1/2 stone (15 kg) lighter than I am now.

As for the medication I have been on, I'll be glad to see the end of it. It looks and feels like slug slime and comes in a tube that has the size and feel of a squishy slug! You can imagine that it's not the pleasantest thing to have on your face. However, it seems to have done the trick of clearing my face and neck of visible eczema although my collarbone area is still a little inflamed and my chin still itches slightly. At the end of this coming week I go back to Guy's Hospital for patch tests to see what may have triggered it, in case anything in particular can be isolated and avoided.

Here's hoping.

Sue x

Coming up: the TGirl's Guide to Tax

Who is David Bowie?

I’m being silly – of course I know who David Bowie is. But I didn’t at the time. Which means I have felt a bit left out this week following his death as most of my trans friends have been saying what a profound influence he was on them. Blame it partly on my poor ear for music but mainly on the fact that characters such as him didn’t really feature in the house I grew up in.

Glam rock, now that did feature and it was hugely influential. I did ask my mother, on hearing ‘The Sweet” on some kid’s TV show, “Why are those men dressed as women?” And in her characteristic way she replied, “Because they’re silly.” Arguably true, but uninformative. So I missed the Bowie phenomenon, although other contemporary forces were at working on my little mind. I’m sorry for the loss that my friends are feeling.

 Alan Rickman, the actor, also died this week. I especially enjoyed his turn as the oily Reverend Obadiah Slope in the Barchester Chronicles. A loss also.

Health

Since writing last week, I can say that I no longer see signs of the eczema on my face and neck that has afflicted me for the last two years, nor even feel it now. This doesn’t mean it’s cured, but I remain hopeful. A few weeks to go.

Since New Year I have lost 6 and a half pounds (3kg) in weight, just shy of half a stone. Pleased with my progress there as well.

Sue x

2016 and all that

Happy New Year

I hope 2016 will be a good year for readers. I’m hoping it will be a better year for me since last year was, in some respects, non-existent for me as a TGirl.

I also hope you had a good Christmas and that Santa brought you everything you wanted: some nice jewellery, perhaps, or perfume, or a new dress. I like presents like that. I mainly got chocolates but, hey, they always go down well!

Back to the routine

Truthfully, I’m glad that things are getting back to the routine. I like Christmas and New Year but they disrupt everything for about three weeks each year. 

I'm back to working on some shopping and fashion items this week, although I confess that the fashion in question is not at all my style - wide trousers and flat tops. I guess some women buy it.

Health

In respect of my health, this new regime of creams and soap substitutes for my skin seems to be having some effect. In a month’s time I will be having some tests to see if they can identify what has brought this problem on but if all goes well I hope to be back out in the spring. It will have been two years by then.

Weight

Now last year I got very excited about losing weight and in January I lost nine pounds (4kg). That was it. Nothing further happened for the rest of the year and I started this New Year more or less back where I had been a year ago. But since New Year’s Day I have lost 5 pounds (2 kg), so that’s going in the right direction again.

Gender neutral and gender change policies

I am thinking about various ideas being kicked around in government such as passports with no M/F indicator or simply filling in a form to declare preference. Some would like this, many people would not. Melanie MacDonagh’s article this week in Tuesday’s Evening Standard on this subject, though strongly against the idea (and fairly ignorant of transgender problems), does make we wonder about what the best approach to these things might be. At present, most of these matters are dealt with by enraged rhetoric on all sides. I would like to see some careful, considered discussion and, ideally, as I have mentioned before, some worthwhile evidence on what creates this whole variance in gender in the first place. At the moment we are all thrashing about in the dark.

Sue x

2015 roundup, including Sparkle

Well, this is the blog of a male to female transgender person and she has barely been seen this year because of illness. So it’s hard to do a trans roundup of the year 2015. Apart from Sparkle, much of my time has been a return to male mode or a sort of andro mix. For 2016, I am determined to get back to where I was when I started this blog and I have been following my new medical regime religiously in the hope of being able to do so.

1) SPARKLE

Sparkle is Britain’s national transgender celebration and takes place every July in Manchester. Thousands attend and it’s become the highlight of my year.

I guess it’s what you make it. In Sackville Gardens there are stalls, a stage with musical and comedy acts and other entertainment, various official events in the Gay Village such as meals and parties, and there are more serious things such as lectures, advice from surgeons and such like. Personally, I find it the best opportunity for catching up with friends. Two of my friends, Bobby and KD, have already blogged about their Sparkle this year:

KD's Sparkle

Bobby's Sparkle

Train bandits

I had a major work project on and didn’t arrive till very late on Friday night. The journey up was eventful – we were diverted and arrived nearly an hour late because of “armed men on the line”. Now, I’ve heard some railway excuses in my time – wrong kind of snow, swans on the line, and even a mysterious “bridge bash” (either a collision with a bridge, a long card tournament, or a wild party, we weren’t told) – but never this one. We passengers had visions of a posse of bandits tying a curvaceous blonde to the track and cackling as the “whoo-whoo” of the prairie flyer is heard from round the bend. “Hayelp, hayelp!” she hollers, like Penelope Pitstop, till the Anthill Mob or, better, some dashing hero with pencil moustache rescues her and carries her off into the sunset on his steed. Such are my girlish daydreams. Anyway, after all that excitement, I went straight to bed.

Familiar face

In the morning I had a major task to do. It was exactly a year since I had experienced the disaster caused by my lousy skin and I had not shaved since in order to let my face recover. So now it was time to remove my impressive beard and look less like Robinson Crusoe and more like … well, Sue Richmond. It was weird to see the familiar face emerge, encouraging to see that my eczema was much improved, and joyous to see the familiar me emerge as I applied my makeup. It wasn’t perfect as I’d forgotten one or two things, but frankly I didn’t care and I took a photo of the returned me wearing a pretty pair of mushroom earrings that a friend had given me.

It was weird yet joyous to see this familiar face again after a year

Out and about again

I was unsure how I would cope with being out again after a whole year when I had to relearn how to be a guy in public. I needn’t have worried as within moments all the familiar landmarks made it seem like I’d never been away.

First steps back out in the world. Love the gay police car! (KD's photo)

(KD's photo)

Almost immediately on getting to Canal Street I bumped into familiar friends which is what I like best about this event. In fact, over the weekend, I met Zazoo and her friend David, who distracts all the boys with the stunning tattoos that Zazoo creates on him, Emma Walkey, Kay Denise (KD) and Mrs KD, Bobby and Mrs Sox, Gina Burton, Sarah, Kate Collins and Mrs Kate, Kara Rowe and her fiancée Louise, Tania Thomas of Nottingham Invasion, Maddy Watson, Jemma Stevens and Jo D whom I hadn’t seen for years, Stefania, Amanda Mc and Sarah whom I first met last year; Lisa Goodridge, Rebecca May and Priya Rai all from the TGirl Bar; Helen Louise and Helen Turner, both beautiful ladies from the Brick Lane Set; Joan Tabb, Debbie Roberts, Alexandra and Elen. I had made plans to meet Andrea Fortune and Elle Drescher for the first time and sure enough we managed to. It was a nice surprise to meet Vanessa Hardwick for the first time, a well as Josie Hughes who runs the Adam & Eve dressing service in London (Jody Lynn of the Boudoir was also in evidence with her Boudettes). I got to know Anna Faith, Pippa Stockings and other girls whose names I have probably forgotten or inadvertently overlooked. So it’s a busy social event! I was sad to miss Jolene Young, Rachel Kim and Susan Matthews who were there. Sadly, Wilhelmina from Hungary and Erin from Norway weren’t able to make it this year.

KD, me and Kate (KD's photo)

Me, Sarah and Zazoo (KD's photo)

Events

As has become traditional, I had lunch at Villaggio’s. In past years I used to organise lunch there but this year, being unsure of my health, I had planned nothing in particular. But Bobby and Mrs Sox joined me and we had a nice catch-up.

In the afternoon I went to the park to browse the stalls and I bought a couple of wigs for party time, when that returns, and got various freebies. It’s always the best place to bump into people.

That evening I had dinner at Velvet, organised by the Queen of the Scene, Ms Kate Collins and her wonderful wife Suki.

Sparkle Saturday dinner at Velvet. L-R: Jo, me, Emma, Maddy, KD, Kate.

I hadn't seen Jo for over two years and it was lovely to catch up with her.

The chocolate selva at Velvet is to die for.

Inevitably, as always seems to happen, we ended up in the Molly House, which is probably my favourite venue there, and, equally inevitably, Napoleons.

Sparkle Sunday

The Sunday was a day I had to make a decision: attempt to cover my unhappy skin with makeup again, or end the experiment and go home. I decided to risk it and Sunday was, again, a mix of bumping into people, watching the stage acts and enjoying the venues in Canal Street. I ended the evening with old friends Zazoo and Emma in Delicatezze (formerly Eden) for dinner and the Molly House. I was glad that I’d ventured out to Sparkle again this year. 

Two great friends with me, Zazoo and Emma, in the Molly House

Sadly, the weekend made my eczema flare up quite badly and it was clear that I was unlikely that I would be able to go out any more without full recovery from it.

2) HOLIDAYS

I’ve had a few trips away this year and one or two other outdoor activities. I have tried to be somewhat androgynous outside, which isn’t hard as so few of my clothes are from menswear shops these days. In fact, I cannot remember my male sizes any more, which has left me making the same kind of wrong purchases as I used to make twenty years ago when I was first buying women's clothes on a large scale.

As well as walking some of the Capital Ring here in London, I’ve visited the East Midlands on separate trips and took a deliciously relaxing holiday in the Canary Islands. And, yes, I did wear my bikini.

Cromford in Derbyshire with Matlock beyond from the Black Rocks

Rutland Water in winter, in England's smallest county

The Capital Ring: Richmond Dam and Lock on the Thames at one end of London

The Capital Ring: the Thames Barrier on the Thames at the other end of London

The Capital Ring: Looking towards Docklands and the City from Woolwich Arsenal

The Capital Ring: Peaceful in Old Isleworth

Fuerteventura: view from my hotel balcony

Fuerteventura: Every day the chambermaid made a different animal out of towels. The monkey was my favourite!

Fuerteventura: Botanic Garden at Oasis Park, with over 2300 species of cactus. They certainly make a point.

Fuerteventura: Lovely beach and warm sea at Costa Calma.

3) STILL SEEING TGIRLFRIENDS

I’ve still been seeing my London girlfriends even though I can’t dress. We’ve met up in favourite locations: drinks at Verge in Brick Lane, lunch at Sarastro’s in Drury Lane, exhibitions in Somerset House, summer picnic on Primrose Hill, and I’ve enjoyed a couple of trips to the Science Museum to see and hear early Cosmonauts with Sarah who actually works in the space industry.

Helen and Rachel at Sarastro's restaurant, two especially nice ladies.

Painting by Alexei Leonov, the first man to do a spacewalk (in 1965). Old but still very bright, he gave an amusing talk on it at the Science Museum.

My health seems to be improving so I look forward to returning to a proper state of feminine existence in 2016.

Thanks for reading and I hope that 2016 is a wonderful year for you.

Sue x