Still need to see my girlfriends

My doctor sent me to have a blood test the other day. Given that I look like a werewolf at the moment, it seemed appropriate that the phlebotomist should introduce herself as "Hi, I'm the vampire". Appropriate, but hardly reassuring!

As mentioned in other posts recently, I've made so many friends in this trans world of ours that I cannot just lose them through neglect. In ones and twos I'm beginning to catch up with them. Real friends are real friends no matter what one wears.

So recently, although in boy mode, I have still had the pleasure of meeting Rachel Bull and Pippa Bunce in Covent Garden for lunch. Pippa's gone all mumsy and had floral dress and sensible shoes - not the perpetual party girl look. But this is because she tells me that she can go to work in a city bank presenting how she likes, boy or girl as she fancies, under their strong diversity initiative. I find this hard to believe from the aggressive macho world of international finance, but she insists it's true. I hope to update you on this incredible development in due course.

Last weekend I met up with the Brick Lane girls, Linda, Helen and Rachel Cole, and Stevie who was also being a boy. After a drink at our old watering hole, Verge, we took a cab to our favourite party restaurant, Sarastro's, for a hearty lunch. I'm pretty sure the girls enjoyed it.

And yesterday I met Rachel B again for lunch and then a shopping trip to Camden markets and the massive Westfield shopping centre in Shepherd's Bush which, surprisingly, I haven't been to before. It was lovely to be wandering in the boutiques and women's departments again. I think I may be getting my mojo back. Let's see what the doctor suggests, but I really cannot bear to be left out of female life much longer. I have booked for this year's Sparkle and will do as much of that as can be managed without damaging my face but maybe I could also try getting out once a month as Sue. It's too agonising seeing women going about their business and feeling so left out. I definitely cannot pull off the Conchita Wurst look - I'd probably end up looking like Red Riding Hood's granny! As well as being self-conscious.

Thanks to all my friends for meeting me in my werewolf transformation. I hope to see more and more girls again over the summer. Howwwlll!!!

Sue x

Why Palmyra matters to trans people

My friend Petra - aptly named - has alerted me to the current situation in Syria.

Huh? What the hell has some ruined city in the desert got to do with being a trans person?

Background: Palmyra grew from being just an oasis for camel caravans to being a major trading city near the borders of the Roman and Parthian/Persian Empires and eventually, under the influence of the formidable lady, Zenobia, effectively broke away from the Roman Empire and formed a vast realm of its own in the Eastern Med and Near East in the late 3rd Century. The Romans - their state in real peril at this time for many reasons - managed to bring them back and resecure the Eastern Frontier, but it was a near thing. It is now threatened with destruction by Islamic State.

Photo: Arian Zwegers - Flickr: Palmyra, view from Qalaat Ibn Maan, Temple of Bel and colonnaded axis

The city matters to humanity not only because it is arguably the greatest archaeological site on earth but because it represents a remarkable fusion of Eastern and Western cultures, and Semitic and Caucasian peoples. The cultural richness of this whole area is very remarkable. Something for everyone, as it were. A symbol of cultures and peoples working together, almost.

And as any symbol it is, of course, in danger of being torn down when some group regards its symbolism as opposing its own ends.

The Islamic State (IS, or ISIS) currently on the rampage in postwar Iraq and civil-war torn Syria has, in fact, little directly to do with the Islamic religion. It is, as these things so often are, a bunch of psychopaths who are using established institutions and a local traditional mindset to gain power. The main local religion happens to be the vehicle to power in this case but if you look at any seizure of power throughout history, it’s got little to do with the claimed aims; those are just to twist public thinking into legitimising the usurpation and the thuggery that often precedes it.

I often work 50-60 hours a week (and, yes, I am beginning to ask myself why) so I haven’t yet had time to tackle all the subjects that concern me about leading a trans life, particularly bullying at work, the election, religious influence, etc., but in essence I want to sum up all such topics by saying, in the briefest terms, that psychopaths exist in all walks of life, making our lives miserable: the local burglar, the school bully, the egotistical politician, the insistent tax inspector, the local yob, the controlling partner… (If you equate the word psychopath with serial killer then feel free to replace it with sociopath.) There aren’t many of them (their numbers are estimated at around one in every hundred people) but all they do is hurt; that’s what they exist for and enjoy doing. They were born that way and it’s considered that they are therefore ‘incurable’. Most people fight them, some just submit, but others are given the feeling that brutality is the way to get on in life and they turn nasty as a result. The subject is more complex than this, but I don’t have space in this one post to go into it fully.

To get back to Palymra. IS and similar ‘Islamic’ groups, Al-Quaeda, the so-called Boko Haram, Islamic Jihad and all the rest of them haven’t actually got much to do with Islam. I seem to be one of the few Westerners who has read the Koran, the overarching premise of which is that everyone in the world should be a Muslim. The message is fairly much that, put in various ways, both straightforward and poetic. So Islam is one of the vehicles made for a different end which the naturally violent and cruel can hijack to go on the rampage with the excuse that they are bringing enlightenment to the world, and who but a pervert could argue that enlightenment isn’t a good thing?

Take a silly example of this behaviour, but one that we’re all familiar with so it’s easier to illustrate: James Bond, a fictitious spy, is a classic psychopath. Utterly confident in himself, he takes risks, he likes killing people and he seduces women a lot. How better to legitimise his evil life than to get a license to kill from his government. That way he can do what he enjoys most - have adventures, kill people and shag women with no penalties for him, which there would be if he indulged the same lifestyle without the blessing of Her Majesty’s government. So it is, basically, with all such people, like Jihadi John who enjoys beheading people. If he’d been a Roman gladiator (pre-Islam), he’d have had the same fun, but using a different excuse; or a concentration camp guard; or a guillotine operator in Revolutionary France; or one of the Great Khan’s horsemen in Persia enjoying an orgy of extermination.

Palmyra matters to trans people because it was once a place where being trans was not really a problem, ancient Syria having been rich in such gender diversity at one time (and even, to an extent, now). The Roman emperor Elagabalus, for example, was also a Syrian priest and a transvestite. They didn’t like him, but he illustrates the cultural expectations of ancient Syria. Being trans in Syria will be a problem now. Indeed, once you get a psycho running your culture/religion/nation/etc. then you can usually say goodbye to diversity, tolerance, acceptance and any kind of live-and-let-live attitude. As an aspirational woman, I don’t like the way women are treated in many nations where Islam is predominant (again, it’s not actually the religion that particularly oppresses women but other local cultural factors). I certainly wouldn’t submit to that sort of repression.

So all the time, from locking our doors and cars against thieves to dealing with a bullying boss, we expend our energies in keeping predatory psychopaths from our lives. IS is one of the latest; it won’t be the last. If you want the liberty to be openly trans you have little choice but to fight those who want to destroy that liberty, whether they are religious extremists or political bigots or just nasty controlling types, even those that the trans community itself is prey to from its own ranks.

As far as the military situation goes, NATO won’t be letting IS anywhere near the main oilfields, of course, and the area can largely be isolated till IS end up killing each other, a bit like Yemen is currently contained. (It’s not as simple as just political or religious differences, of course; a major population explosion this last half-century coupled with strains on limited water resources, huge economic divergence between traditional life and the riches and power of oil and gas, and so forth, all play a role in the situation.) But to my mind wrecking a symbol like Palmyra simply shows me that evil never sleeps. To be honest, I’m tired. I try to be positive but I’m unwell in a way that’s wrecked my trans life for the time being, I’m reflecting on the brutish experiences of the past, of which I’ve mentioned my school, and I am now looking probably to have to chastise the UN and my government for failing to hold back the psycho tide in Syria and for allowing the probable destruction of the ultimate symbol of multicultural fusion. If you want a life as an unmolested trans person and value diversity, you really have to take note of Palmyra’s fate and vow that your right to display your true trans nature is not oppressed by evildoers and one-size-fits-all control freaks. Watch out for people like this, and their supporters.

Sue x

Out with the old

It’s been a few weeks, little blog. Sorry about that.

In this period of exile I’m gradually going through old items of clothing and keeping what I know works for me. The less successful items - and I think every TGirl’s closet is full of such things - are being thrown out or given to charity shops.

It’s in our early days in particular that we buy stuff that cannot possibly work! Too small, too large, wrong shape, wrong style, ridiculous on us … the list of mistakes seems endless. I think we’ve all been there.

But it’s also those items that have worn out or become unfashionable that are going (avocado tights! - what were people thinking?) I’m sad about some shoes and boots that have to go because they’re worn out or broken as they bring back fond memories. I’m only keeping one old pair that’s bust, just as a memento of my first shoe purchase after I vowed to stop purging, nearly 20 years ago. Here’s a pair I loved, but the strap’s broken. Farewell, my lovelies, and thanks for the emotional lift you gave as well as the physical one.

Sue x

Ironing knickers

No, not a ‘how to’ post, just my expression for when work is quiet. And when it’s quiet, the very last thing left to do that vaguely resembles working of any kind, before you turn into a vegetable on the sofa, and in order to salve your conscience, is to iron your knickers! Come on, who actually irons their knickers? Hence my expression.

Well, that is what it’s like being self-employed, at any rate. I had five weeks of relative quiet with work (then it all exploded at 4pm the Friday before last and all my regulars got in touch at once and I have been busy since). Prior to that, I was just, as I say, ironing knickers. Which is fine as there’s been the first warm weather of the year to enjoy and I have dusted off the sun lounger after its winter sleep and have slopped sunscreen on my pallid skin to soak up some Vitamin D in the bright new sunlight.

My eczema is bad as it is every April when the weather warms and my skin responds badly to it. I hate the cold; I love warmth, but it’s the transition that creates a problem every year. However, I have a new patch of eczema on my right hip and possibly another on my left hand which is a good sign as my body rarely tolerates more than two patches at one time. Maybe it’ll now move off my head and I will be able to shave close and wear makeup again.

I’ve been catching up with friends, doing spring cleaning and preparing much-needed home improvements, sorting my clothes so that items that I won’t wear any more go to charity shops or other suitable sources. I do hate shopping with female friends when I’m not presenting as female - I’d love to pop into the changing room to try some items. But I guess making suggestions on what works for friends is the next best thing.

Sue x

An honorary babe

A long time ago I wrote how a little group of female friends of mine who call themselves the Babes (or the Beautylicious Babes for certain important purposes, such as organising parties or forming a pub quiz team) has accepted my male self into their little group as an "honorary babe": http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/honorary-babe.html


They are, in fact, still the last group of friends to be officially ignorant of my being a TGirl, although I think they sussed me out a while ago. Last Friday I went out with them for a little dinner party and they were very insistent that their "honorary babe" should be with them. How could I resist? It'd be nice to be accepted as true babe one day but not only am I not going out as a girl at the moment (for reasons I have bored you with already) but I've also become more cautious about 'outing' myself. It was a lovely party at a local restaurant and the giggles and feminine topics of conversation made it my kind of evening.

The following day I met two TGirlfriends, Sarah and Saffy, for a catch up. They accept that I can't be a girl at the moment but this makes no difference to our long-term friendship. I'm the same person, except in appearance, as emphasised by Garry, barman at our old haunt the Cambridge pub in the heart of London, who saw me in my new male mode for the first time ever and was lovely to me.

I myself think Mr Sue is rather more careworn than Ms Sue who, frankly, as a kept woman is just out to party all the time with no thought for hardworking Mr Sue's health or wallet. Tsk! Women! ;-) But I guess it all boils down to being human underneath whatever clothes we are actually wearing, and that's the most essential thing to be taken for. I've made this point before with reference to several other TGirlfriends who've been out with me recently.

Thanks to all my lovely friends for such a good weekend. And best of luck to Sarah who has just officially started working as the woman she is.

Sue x

PS Thanks to Calie of T-Central for featuring my blog two months running. My enforced time out has been making me reflect more about what it means to be trans and how we live this life, rather than just doing stuff. If any thoughts here are helpful to others then I guess this blog is serving its purpose.

When surgery goes wrong (again), and when trans life goes right

This may seem like a very odd subject for Easter Sunday, but it’s just that I have time to write and this is on my mind.

My aim in this post is to inform about negative consequences and encourage positive ones and general trans visibility. Those who have suffered are anonymous here and have their privacy preserved. Nevertheless I do feel that their experiences should be notified to the general community so that people can be well informed before making choices.

In summer 2013 I told you that a friend of mine had been to Charing Cross Hospital, Britain’s main centre for gender surgery, but things had not gone well - she had unravelled and got a serious infection: http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/when-surgery-goes-wrong.html

I recently saw another friend there who had just had her gender operation and within a few days of being sent home was back at the hospital being treated for a similar infection.

ALL of those I have seen at the hospital or with whom I have discussed gender surgery in detail have suffered serious fails: operations that went wrong, corrective surgery (which in one case also failed), abdominal infections and so forth. I don’t think this is coincidence. And I am sorry for those trans women and men who would like a physical relationship but can’t because of the inadequacies and failings of their surgery.

It is clear that more of this surgery goes wrong than is made public and I am concerned that this issue is played down by some trans advocates and support groups. I would say again to those contemplating surgery: this is not a simple procedure but major surgery involving serious physical trauma. The large majority of trans people don’t go for it and whilst this is likely to be mainly because the strength of their transness is not as great as that of those living as their preferred gender, there are some of us who are having real doubts that surgery is the best option. I’m not here to persuade or suggest, merely to inform you that surgery may cause you major problems, as witness my personal friends here.

Now to a positive note on transition and living a trans life. I must mention a few other friends who are doing wonderful things with their lives despite all the odds against them (and sorry if I embarrass you girls but I think you deserve praise):

- My friend Kimberley (no longer her name) who has featured a lot in my blog over the years and who will be living and working full time as female as of this week. A beautiful woman with great prospects. Good luck, honey.

- My friend Stella who again appears many times in my blog under her proper name and previous (experimental?) ones and who, from shy and nervous beginnings, is not only living and working full time and representing the trans community at employment fairs but is now a candidate in the forthcoming national election. It would be wonderful to have a transgender member of parliament in the UK as there has been in other places like Poland. Could that MP be Stella? I’d be thrilled if it was. You go, girl, and I’ll be listening to your result on election night. By the way, she also now has a smoochy boyfriend, which is a lovely thing. Here’s her campaign blog: http://greenstell.blogspot.co.uk/

- My friend Roz whom I mentioned last autumn http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/roz-white-transgender-writer.html who is now ‘out’ to her family who’ve taken it well and has recently launched a new edition of her transgender novel, The Sisterhood, and is offering editorial services. Roz writes so well and truthfully about the trans condition.

- Two bloggers, Lynn Jones and Hannah Gotta, who write such excellent blogs about the genuine realities of life as married TGirls http://yatgb.blogspot.co.uk/ and https://hannahgotta.wordpress.com/ . Both blogs contain such insightful truths expressed in very different ways. I think I’ll add my fun friend Bobby’s blog to this list as she’s just been highlighted on TCentral (and quite rightly, too) https://thebobbysoxblog.wordpress.com/. They’re on my blogroll to the right, of course. (By the way, these girls all look gorgeous, too.)

I’ll stop there or I’ll have to list all my friends because they all live amazing trans lives in one way or another.

You see, it was Transgender Day of Visibility on 31 March and it pained me not to be visible, but so many of my friends are, either because they are already living in the gender that’s right for them or because they are visible in public or online. The more of us who are out there in whatever small way we can be then the more we will be accepted as a regular part of society. I’m thrilled that trans people are standing for parliament but I will be even more thrilled when the fact that parliamentary candidates are transgender is less of a talking point than their policies. Little by little we’ll get there.

The is Sue Richmond reporting from Westminster...

Sue x

The sheer variety of it all

My two essays in February about being trans generated a lot of interest:

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/how-many-of-us-are-there.html

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/does-being-trans-really-wreck-your-life.html

Today I want to illustrate how being trans cuts through every social distinction - class, race, profession, income, location, marital status, etc.

It’s often struck me, when out with my TGirlfriends, just what a diverse bunch we are. Yes, we all have this one thing in common - we present ourselves as women. But apart from that, we all have very different lives.

It’s often been said to me by TGirls who’ve been around a while that they have found that, apart from all liking to wear skirts, they’ve often felt no other connection with some of the other TGirls they meet. I know what they mean, although I feel there’s more common ground if you dig a bit deeper. The sheer variety of social backgrounds in any group of trans people is amazing. I can recall meetings when a bunch of girls have included, just for example, a printer, an astrophysicist, a photographer, a builder, a surveyor, a railway engineer, a car salesperson, a graphic designer, a translator, a diver, an artist, a bus driver … and so forth. Some are married and have their wives with them; some have kids, others not; some are older, some younger; some richer, some poorer. And they come from all over. And I think, where on earth else except a trans event would you find such a diverse bunch of people in the same room?

You just wouldn't believe where these women go and what they get up to in the daytime! (Tiff's photo)

That illustrates what I mean about transness cutting through all human distinctions and which I feel is good evidence that this life is not, as detractors insist, some lifestyle choice. If it was, you’d expect a similar background in those choosing the lifestyle. Instead of which, anyone at all can be affected.

Being trans is at least a great way to meet people! And look stunning at the same time.

Sue x

A game of two halves

I've dressed as a woman every day for twenty years now, ever since I vowed to stop purging and never again deny this essential trans part of me. That's not the same as presenting as female, of course, which is something that's only happened in the last five years. It been good to see how, on the whole, friends and public usually accept the needs of trans people. It's been very odd, though, having to revert to male mode when I am in public as there are things I had forgotten about. Apart from having long forgotten my male clothes sizes, I have this terrible habit (as male) of complimenting women on their hair, clothes or accessories and I keep having to bite my tongue. Just yesterday I managed to stop myself complimenting a woman in a beautiful cornflower blue coat and asking her where she got it. Men don't do that sort of thing, I keep having to remind myself, unless they're trying to chat up. And remembering to sit in a less effeminate way is something I've struggled with since I was very small and got berated for at school and in the office. It's hard trying to relearn all this for this period when I'm "out of order", as it were.

But at least I've been able still to see trans friends who take me for who I am overall rather than just what I look like at any one time. Thanks to Emma W, Joanne F, Kimberley G, Saffy W, Michelle S, Ange P, Lynn J, Christine G for all meeting me in boy mode so far this year. It means a lot.

Sue x

Winter/spring

Time to update the blog after a very busy three weeks of work.

There was a lot of interest in my last two posts, especially thanks to T-Central's post about the latter. Thank you, Calle. There's another item I'd like to post in due course on the issue of being trans, to do with the trans phenomenon over history and across cultures.

Spring has been gently pushing winter away, the days are longer, the blossom is out and, certainly last week, the air was distinctly milder. In January I lost nine pounds in weight but then there were five weeks of freezing temperatures and I had to keep warm by eating stodgy food! At least I didn't put any more weight on so now I feel its time to continue with the weight reduction programme. My skin condition is being monitored, of course, and seems to be improving once more. Fingers crossed I can get out again soon.

One other thing is that today I have gone back through my blog to make a major change to a past post and lesser alterations to three others, not through some Stalinist or IS notion of rewriting the past but because the impressions I got and the conclusions I came to were wrong and I don't want other people to make the mistake I did.

Briefly, the problem stems from my having gradually let friends know about my trans status over the last few years but some, although they seemed supportive, used that personal information about me - especially my fears, uncertainties and family worries - to then bully and abuse me, threatening to 'out' me to others who would have caused me problems. If you tell people very personal stuff about yourself, they have an advantage over you because they are in a position to exploit that knowledge without you having any corresponding power over them to keep things balanced and in check. I had hoped they would be supportive at a time of personal trouble - it's one of the reasons you have friends, after all - but they abused me instead. So my message changes to this: if you come out, be aware that you are giving away an important fact about yourself and that, for many people, knowledge is power and they may abuse that power. I am reverting to telling people about my trans side on a strictly "need to know" basis for the time being.

Sue x

Does being trans really wreck your life?

I had a lot of reaction to my last post, mainly from friends via Facebook. The main query which arose was if being trans had really wrecked my life.

Well, given that most (we assume most) people just get on with being boys or girls, a few (we assume) have the eternal trouble of puzzling why they don't really feel comfortable in their allotted gender. For my part I have spent time each and every single day without exception since I was a toddler wondering if I'm really some kind of girl. Friends who aren't trans have marvelled that the issue should occupy any time at all, let alone so much of it.

On the strength of this I think that my life has been unduly odd and unfair. I have tried as much as possible in this blog to show other trans people and the world in general that you can make lemonade when life gives you lemons, that you can make something of this strange situation and be happy in it. That is, in part, up to you with the resources you have, be they emotional, material, or other. But, frankly, life would have been so much less stressful, fearful, exhausting, costly and weird if I hadn't been trans. The expense of having two wardrobes, the continuing fear of discovery by the wrong persons, the lack of official recognition and general understanding, the constant colouring of my thoughts and my interactions with others ... Why me? I guess what convinces me most that being trans, in any of its varied forms, is not a mental health disorder or perversion or lifestyle choice is the fact that I, like lots of others, don't want it and yet nothing I have ever done to change it, ignore it, or shake it has ever had the slightest long-term effect, unlike any other aspect of my life. I've changed everything else - views, location, decor, style, pastimes, etc. - but never this. Just like I'm unable to change my shoe size or height, much as I'd like to do that.

To cap this distress, five years after finally making it out into the big wide world and living and being treated as a woman, I now have a health condition that makes it impossible to do so. This is more than a blow. It's like Someone really really hates me.

Let us not forget the distress and depression, the dysphoria, the rejection, the abuse, threats and increased risk of violence that so many trans people suffer.

So what's good about being trans? Well, you do see things differently. To say "I see things from a woman's perspective" would be arrogant and false and I don't like it when some TGirls say this. That's not even something easily defined either. But I do distinctly have a less masculine approach, attitude and behaviour than average and my female friends (ones who know or knew only one side of me) marvel at some of the things I know about makeup and fashion and what the women's magazines are saying. Is that good? Maybe. I find women, in broad general terms, more giving and caring, more enjoyable company with more laughs and more thoughtful about important things in life like relationships and health rather than men's obsession with the footie score or career progression or statistics. That's a very brief and generalised observation, of course (through lack of time and space). Is that good? I don't know, but I like it. And I also like the better interaction I get from the public. People treat me better as a TGirl than they do as a guy. Maybe if I was 100% female they'd treat me really well. Most natal women would disagree at this point, I don't doubt. And the fact is I like things traditionally associated with femininity: flowers and soft fabrics, shades of pink, gracefulness ... a cliche maybe, but it's what I prefer. I also and obviously so much prefer women's clothes; being petite they fit me perfectly and are more comfortable and colourful and nicer to wear than men's scratchy, dull and samey stuff. Besides, my clothes are to me a badge of the club I'd rather be in. I've dressed as a woman most of my life, initially whenever I could get the chance, but in the last 20 years it's been every day and just the morning ritual of choosing something soft, comfortable and pretty makes me happy. It's always made me happy because it seems like the right thing to do to look better, feel right and say "hey, I'd like to be treated as a woman".

But then we come back to why that's a rare and weird thought.

Being trans has its joys. I do try to concentrate on those since it'd be better to enjoy this odd life than hate it. But I can never help wondering if it wouldn't have been better, certainly simpler, to have just been able to get on with life without this whole enormous difference in behaviour, outlook and treatment.

Sue x