Friends' moral support

I've spent the last two weekends on Britain's South Coast, staying with trans friends each time. In deference to the fact that I have not been able to shave for 6/7 weeks and therefore couldn't appear as Sue as I would otherwise have done, my friends each insisted on spending the time in male mode. I told them this was quite unnecessary and that I would be delighted if they went out in female mode as they are accustomed to, but both told me that they preferred solidarity with my plight. They are well known as trans in their communities and dress more often than not but are quite relaxed about their roles so I don't think it detracted from their enjoyment or made them lose out too much, but I did feel warmed by their generosity of spirit.

Sue x

PS Just as an update on my eczema, my drastic remedial action has led to quite a lot of improvement and I have little or no remaining eczema on my hands, forehead or neck. My chin is still not good but what's there is now hidden by beard and I think it is slightly better. There's quite a way to go yet, though.

Three years of blogging

Yesterday marked the third anniversary of my starting this blog.

On the last two anniversaries I got curious about the stats. You see, it’s hard to get in to Blogger without going through the stats, so you are always aware of them. But something odd has happened. The stats tell me that in October 2009, for instance, there were 409 page views. This is not interesting, apart from the fact that I signed up with this site and started blogging only in August 2011! So I’ve no idea why there are statistics like this going back to July 2008! And only for certain months! Maybe my blog has got mixed up with another one. So now I’m not at all sure how often this blog has been visited (not all the 32,248 times the stats say, therefore). Maybe some techie can advise … without getting too nerdy about it as I’d rather talks about frocks than figures. If I was better at coping with technical stuff I’d also sort out my blogroll better since I can’t see how to delete dead blogs or even properly load some new ones like Hannah’s Illustrated Biography of a Crossdresser, which I really like.

Anyway, I do know that by far the most popular posts are those concerning my trips to Nottingham for the girls’ monthly Invasion (23 Jan 2012 and 18 Mar 2012). And why not, it’s a great event and there’s another Invasion to write up about shortly. The TGirl Bar of 2013 (1 Dec 2013) is also a popular read, as is the Nostalgia trip to Pink Punters (16 Dec 2012) and my contribution to Our Different Journey (5 Jan 2013).

And I do know that 39 of you follow me publicly (though I reckon some followers are now functionally dead). Hello there, and thanks for reading. I have no plans to stop writing about my trans life yet and there are plenty more posts coming up.

It’s been very up and down emotionally and in terms of activity this past year and, sadly, my going out time is over probably for the rest of 2014, though I am pleased that this horrid skin complaint is gradually improving as a result of the care I’m taking, even though the solution is rather drastic.

Best wishes to you all, and to my fellow bloggers.

Sue x

Kellie and Simone talk to the press about transition

I don’t usually comment on trans-related news articles. Normally they’re either not newsworthy, or the news is designed to attack, provoke or uncover, or it’s simply misrepresented. And they usually lead to nasty arguments in the online comments pages. If you’d like to follow trans (or, more properly, LGBT) news items, Emily was in touch last week and you can link to a large number of them via her blog: http://emilysvirtualrocket.blogspot.co.uk/

However, on this occasion I will make an exception because the matter is much closer to home, and also concerns a public figure, Kellie Maloney, formerly Frank, a boxing promoter who has started speaking to the press about her transition. Good luck to Kellie, whom I admire for being frank (rather than Frank) about what it is like to be trans in a macho world like boxing and having to suppress your real self to feel successful in such contexts. But my friend Simone (we generally know her here by her other name of Holly, she of the TGirl bar in 2011 and 2013) has, in the light of Kellie’s comments, spoken to the Daily Telegraph about life when transitioning.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/the-filter/11026591/To-change-gender-you-have-to-be-prepared-to-lose-everything.html

It’s a decent enough article as these things go. Simone’s thoughts really caught my attention not just because she’s a friend of mine because they tie in closely what I have blogged about, both in the past and just recently. Most immediately and obviously, for me at least, is that fact that, whilst staying with me over the weekend of the 2011 TGirl bar she then went to work on the Monday sporting the beautiful baked-on nails that she’d had done for the event and didn’t want to remove since the Enigma Ball was happening the next weekend and she would have had to have had them done all over again. This was a dilemma because, obviously, spending the intervening week at work with them on would definitely ‘out’ her in the male-dominated world of plumbing. We discussed this at some length and I suggested that, annoying as it was, she should remove them: she’s the boss so it would be a risk to business, etc. But she decided to keep them on… and the rest is history! I touched on this event in the last paragraph of my report on the TGirl Bar of 2011:

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/barmaids-go-go.html

Simone says in her interview that transitioning has not, in fact, damaged her business and her staff have been supportive, so I’m happy she proved me wrong. That said, I am always ready to point out that the joy that often accompanies transition can gloss over practical points. On a more cynical level one could point out here that there is a recession on and so staff may prefer to keep their jobs rather than fuss about the boss being unusual. And holding a royal warrant may also be a boost to business, too. Not to mention the long establishment of the firm. Transitioning at work is a serious and difficult issue for some, but others get lucky. To those who feel full transition is the way forward, I’d advise not to underestimate the difficulties or gloss over that people may express prejudice in many ways, often very subtle ones. Neither should you let your excitement for your transition distract you from the day-to-day issues we all face when trying to progress any career.

It’s not really so unusual these days for someone to let others know that they are trans, which is why it bugs me that the media still harp on about transition and trans life, cross dressing and related subjects so much. OK, the number of trans people in the public eye is small, but it’s hardly news any more. Well, I would have said not, but obviously newspaper editors disagree. Simone’s interview is a decent summary. Just one thing, though:

“It’s a single operation, and two and a half hours later it’s over, the job’s done.”

I must disagree. Please read my previous post here. If you have surgery and take hormones you will spend many difficult months recovering from your operation and have a lifetime of maintenance work to do. This is not like having a filling at the dentists.

I’ll finish by quoting Simone's wise words here:

“You live your life but once: would you live your life unhappily for the benefit of others, or would it be better to live as happy a life as you can for yourself? Because if you’re happy then everyone else around you is too, usually.”  

Sue x

That notorious surgery, one year on

Regular readers may recall how I took a friend to Charing Cross hospital last summer for her gender surgery (because her lousy boyfriend let her down at the last minute - you’ll be pleased to know she’s since dumped him) but how her operation went drastically wrong and she all unravelled and got a dreadful abdominal infection. She’s recovered well from the ordeal and is working full time again but obviously where she has been operated is not quite as it should be so she is now undergoing corrective treatment. I am so sorry for her, partly for what she has suffered and also because she’s one of the girls who is looking for a nice male partner, but may be unable to make love as she’d like. I appreciate that sex isn’t everything, but it’s often important in a relationship nevertheless.

The reason to post this is not to delve into another’s life – my friend remains strictly anonymous – but to say to my fellow trans people, if you feel that surgery is the way forward for you, just be aware of the many, many complications. It’s a serious and major op. I have heard more than once that 97.5% of those who have had surgery are very satisfied, yet I know several transsexuals whose surgery has gone badly wrong in one way or another and, although they may be happy to be ‘complete’, are definitely unhappy with what has happened to them. Either I just happen to know a high number of those for whom it went wrong – a highly unlikely statistical probability – or the sort of information that transitioners are being fed is wrong. I can’t help getting the impression sometimes that this sort of enthusiasm for encouraging people to have surgery may be propaganda put about by the unscrupulous for reasons of their own. Please be very aware and properly informed of what you are letting yourself in for. Good luck to my friend here, and to another friend who has decided, after many years of living full-time as a woman and going to the gender clinic, that she has taken things as far as she wants and surgery will not now be an option for her.  

Sue x

Sparkle 2014 – a game of two halves

The second weekend of July sees the national transgender celebration, Sparkle, in Manchester and it attracts trans people and their families and friends from all over the British Isles and abroad.

 http://www.sparkle.org.uk/

It’s not possible to tell exactly how many people turn up but it’s well into four figures. I wouldn’t miss it for anything, and as this year was Sparkle’s tenth anniversary it promised to be extra special. I was also glad to see that there was a strong emphasis on the female to male side of things this time as we male to female do tend to dominate the community as a rule. It was also the last year than Bella Jay was organising it and all credit goes to her for her incredible work in making this brilliant weekend the success that it is. Thanks, Bella. And also thanks to Kim Angel who founded the event and got it going.

I had booked long before but I was worried about the state of my face, as explained in previous posts. So I only applied my makeup when I was definitely going to go out. 

Every TGirl must photograph herself in her hotel room before she goes out. It's the law.

I started on Friday by meeting a friend who works in Manchester and we had coffee and cake in the café in the Manchester Art Gallery, a nice venue. I have spent most of my trips to Manchester meeting my friends around the Gay Village and have seen very little of the rest of the town so it was nice to do something cultural for a change and look at the paintings, including some of my favourites such as this one.

"Silver Favourites" by Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema. I was surprised by how small it was.

I went to Canal Street as other friends were beginning to turn up. I love just sitting out there in the sun with a drink, usually strawberry cider, and saying hello to people. Emma Walkey and wife, Zazoo and her pal David, Kerry Nope and Kat Roberts, Kay Denise … Joanne, she of the TGirl bar who was to be my room-mate, finally made it after almost the whole day on the road from Devon.

It's nice just to sit out on Canal Street. KD's photo.

That evening Joanne and I smartened up and went to out for the to eat at Velvet. It’s a relaxed venue for decent food and the nine of us enjoyed it.

Dinner at Velvet. L-R: Alison, Amanda, me, Zazoo, Joanne, Kay Denise and Sarah, representing between us all corners of Britain, from Kent to Northumberland and from Glasgow to Devon, with everything in between. Just the TGirls in this shot. Suki and David also joined us. KD's photo.

We went to the Molly House where there was a band playing but it was so packed that we could only just get in. Actually, it was more fun to chat on the stairs with friends like Gina and Priya. On to Napoleon’s briefly, which was heaving, and then a quieter time in Via but poor Joanne was dropping off after her long days travelling so we called it a night, pair of lightweights that we are.

On Sparkle Saturday I traditionally book lunch at Villaggio and in the past we’ve had 15-18 people come. Sadly not this year and only eight turned up, but it was an enjoyable lunch all the same and the restaurant treat us really nicely. Maybe next time it’ll be better to do it as a Saturday dinner as people these days seem too hung over or full of breakfast to want much lunch. 

Traditional Saturday lunch at Villaggio in Canal Street. L-R: Emma, Joanne, Sarah, Mrs Sox, Bobby, me, KD, Mrs Walkey.

Nice to spot Wilhelmina from Hungary and Erin from Norway in the Canal Street crowd, as well as Lisa and Rebecca from the TGirl bar, Helen from closer to home, Emma Hudson and Mrs H, and Maria who was the first person I ever met at Sparkle, back in 2010.

Sparkle in the Park is the main event, with the usual stalls and live entertainment. This is where you bump into everyone, which is what it’s all about for me and is why I go. There's plenty more 'official' entertainment laid on, but I just like the excuse to catch up with people.

But this year, this effectively marked the end of the festivities for me as my face was so sore, raw and flaking that I couldn’t continue. As it was, I hadn’t been able to shave that morning and I had somehow managed to cover my stubble with enough makeup to hide it and the awful state of my skin. I went back to the hotel, removed my makeup and my trans holiday ended.

It was pretty devastating. My friends, though, are kind and supportive and did persuade me to join the girls for dinner in Chinatown that night, albeit as a guy. Fortunately, David, Zazoo’s friend was there so I didn’t feel entirely out of place. And the following afternoon I met KD and her wife as planned. Mrs KD has become a good friend and I did want to say hello again. She saw my male side for the first time, which felt really odd, but as I am not living as fulltime female, much as I might like to, I guess there’s honesty in letting real friends see both sides of me. But I did feel out of the festivities despite a really nice tea at the Richmond Tea Rooms. I bought a Sparkle cat to console myself. 

The World Cup final was on and although I never normally take an interest in football, I watched that in the evening as it seemed the best thing to do, while Joanne, looking fabulous in a lacy goth outfit, went and did the Sparkle thing.

So basically I managed a little bit of Sparkle this year and then had to give up. And I don’t know when I will next be able to get out en femme. It won't be for a long time.

That’s not the end of this blog, of course, as I am still trans and that doesn’t change. I have various overlooked events to write up and start the restaurant bit of the blog and there’s the general thoughts about being trans. But somehow, there won’t be many out-and-about events to report on for a while. But thank for reading this. Sparkle 2013 and 2012 were blogged in the July posts for those years. They're a bit of a contrast:

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/sparke-2012.html

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/sparkle-2013.html

Sue x

Gorilla in the Miss

It’s now exactly a week since I last shaved my face. Which means that my eczema is greatly improved already … and I have more than just a touch of designer stubble.

It takes about three weeks to grow something that properly resembles a beard. And about the same amount of time for me to grow myself a hairy gorilla suit. In fact, it is the swiftness of growth and the luxuriant extent of the hair all over me that is one thing that persuades me that full transition from male to female is not really appropriate in my case. It’s too obviously masculine. Though why this rich hirsuteness should not extend to the top of my head seems very unfair.

Very many friends have contacted me over the last few days and have said many kind words to console me and I am more grateful than I can properly say in words. But the eczema is a problem that flares up on my face about every ten years and despite the best care and medical intervention there usually comes a point when the only thing you can do is to leave it strictly alone. My skin reacts badly to things like dust, mould, perfumed products, chemicals and so forth so I have always had to be careful with bathroom and household cleaners and personal grooming products. But there come a point when my skin simply overreacts furiously to anything at all put on it, even the medicines designed to fight it. So it was that, half way through the Sparkle celebrations, my painful face literally started to fall off and I realised that it was just reacting against everything that touched it – soap, moisturiser, makeup, medicine, anything at all. It’s been bad for weeks, as recorded here, but I was determined to take my planned girl time. But in the end it was just too much and the worst happened. It will clear up of its own accord in time, though how long I cannot say. Last time I did this I kept a beard on for two years. But I wasn’t out in public then. I am dreading the prospect of being bearded this time, but I know that I now have no choice.

I take some consolation from Conchita’s vistory in Eurovision and the comperes at Sparkle who wore beards. If need be, I shall go to Sparkle next year proudly sporting a beard and high heels. If I keep the hairy gorilla look I might even blend in with the Furries who gatecrash the event. After all, this doesn’t have any effect on the fact that I am trans, it’s just that I wont be able to present as a woman for a while. Oh well.

Sue x

Disaster

I went to Sparkle, the fabulous national transgender celebration in Manchester, as planned.

Sadly, I had to abandon my plans on Saturday afternoon as this eczema on my face got so bad.

I am going to have to take the final step in dealing with it, the one I had been hoping it wasn't necessary to take, which is to stop shaving and apply nothing to my face - soaps, makeup, razors, moisturisers, sunscreens, etc. - and also stop absorbing anything that heats the skin - direct sunlight, alcohol, spicy food...

I've been in this situation before, so this decision is after consultation with doctors and specialists and based on past experience.

This means that my appearances in public are ended, very likely for the rest of this year and probably more.

I have dressed as a woman every single day since I stopped purging nearly 20 years ago and I have been out and about happily in public for nearly five years so this is the worst situation that could have happened. I will still be online, of course, and I have a few things to write up, such as my holiday and what news of Sparkle I can provide.

But I am pretty devastated.

Sue x

Summer's here

Hello little blog

I got back from my summer break nearly two weeks ago but then immediately had a lot of work on and this last week I have been sorting various things out at home and trying to get some sun since there has been beautiful weather. Really hot, fine days are not common in the UK so you need to make the most of them when they come. This all means it's been a while since I last posted.

I'm going to sort out a few photos and write a proper description in due course of my time in the Lake District followed by a couple of days in Manchester and then a long weekend in Nottingham, including my return to the Nottingham Invasion. KD has already blogged about meeting up in Manchester http://kaydenisepublicblog.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/wasted-time-and-quality-too.html

Now I'm starting to prepare for Sparkle next weekend, the tenth year of this brilliant event and the fifth one that I will have attended. I haven't got any particular plans since for me it's mainly the best opportunity in the year to meet up with loads of my trans friends.

In other news, health is so-so: I am losing weight very gradually and actually managed to lose a little on holiday, which is amazing. My eczema is very bad and it was a struggle to cope with even just four times en femme during my holiday. It doesn't look it because when I am in girl mode it's hidden under makeup but when you take the makeup off it's very sore. I don't know how much of Sparkle I will actually be able to do, but all four days seems unlikely. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Sue x

Off on my travels

I'm off for a proper summer holiday, taking in the Lake District, Manchester and Nottingham where I hope to catch up with loads of different friends. My suitcase - just the one - is a perfect balance of functionality and fun, with enough versatility to ensure the girl-about-town can manage outdoor adventure and party time, too.

I'm pleased to say that i have lost nearly half a stone since rejoining Slimming World. I have emailed my holiday friends to ask them to support my weight loss programme and they said they would (before listing all the things they planned to eat and would prevent me from eating - my friends are like that! I really must think of getting some new ones!)

My eczema is not in a good state and I have been in regular consultation with the doctor. I am certainly worried that it might get too bad to cope with but I have planned things during my holiday so that I get regular respite from all the treatment that my face needs to appear reasonably feminine.

I hope the sun shines both on me and on you.

I'll post again when I'm back.

Sue x

Annual pub tour

Each year my friend Joanne Frost, a pub assistant manager, does a tour of ten interesting pubs in a different quarter of London. This year she'd selected Islington and, although I wasn't able to stay for more than four of them it was still a fun afternoon with a nice bunch of boys and girls who managed not to get drunk. The Narrow Boat by the Regent's Canal with it's light, the Island Queen, the only British pub of that name, the Earl of Essex with its beer garden and the Mucky Pup with its pool table and jukebox all show how different pubs can be but equally good for time out with friends. And the silly quiz was good as well as historical information along the way.

I couldn't do the whole tour as I have friends from Germany staying. I'm pleased to say that I now have two more friends who know all about my femme side and are supportive. It's a pity they couldn't come on the pub tour, too, but they had already made other plans.

In other news, I continue to attend my Slimming World group in the hope of losing weight. My face is still not great and I will be having another checkup with the doctor this weekand. Good news, though, is that I am having a holiday the week after next in the Lake District and Manchester. The trick is to pack all I need into just one suitcase!

Sue x