The sheer variety of it all

My two essays in February about being trans generated a lot of interest:

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/how-many-of-us-are-there.html

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/does-being-trans-really-wreck-your-life.html

Today I want to illustrate how being trans cuts through every social distinction - class, race, profession, income, location, marital status, etc.

It’s often struck me, when out with my TGirlfriends, just what a diverse bunch we are. Yes, we all have this one thing in common - we present ourselves as women. But apart from that, we all have very different lives.

It’s often been said to me by TGirls who’ve been around a while that they have found that, apart from all liking to wear skirts, they’ve often felt no other connection with some of the other TGirls they meet. I know what they mean, although I feel there’s more common ground if you dig a bit deeper. The sheer variety of social backgrounds in any group of trans people is amazing. I can recall meetings when a bunch of girls have included, just for example, a printer, an astrophysicist, a photographer, a builder, a surveyor, a railway engineer, a car salesperson, a graphic designer, a translator, a diver, an artist, a bus driver … and so forth. Some are married and have their wives with them; some have kids, others not; some are older, some younger; some richer, some poorer. And they come from all over. And I think, where on earth else except a trans event would you find such a diverse bunch of people in the same room?

You just wouldn't believe where these women go and what they get up to in the daytime! (Tiff's photo)

That illustrates what I mean about transness cutting through all human distinctions and which I feel is good evidence that this life is not, as detractors insist, some lifestyle choice. If it was, you’d expect a similar background in those choosing the lifestyle. Instead of which, anyone at all can be affected.

Being trans is at least a great way to meet people! And look stunning at the same time.

Sue x

A game of two halves

I've dressed as a woman every day for twenty years now, ever since I vowed to stop purging and never again deny this essential trans part of me. That's not the same as presenting as female, of course, which is something that's only happened in the last five years. It been good to see how, on the whole, friends and public usually accept the needs of trans people. It's been very odd, though, having to revert to male mode when I am in public as there are things I had forgotten about. Apart from having long forgotten my male clothes sizes, I have this terrible habit (as male) of complimenting women on their hair, clothes or accessories and I keep having to bite my tongue. Just yesterday I managed to stop myself complimenting a woman in a beautiful cornflower blue coat and asking her where she got it. Men don't do that sort of thing, I keep having to remind myself, unless they're trying to chat up. And remembering to sit in a less effeminate way is something I've struggled with since I was very small and got berated for at school and in the office. It's hard trying to relearn all this for this period when I'm "out of order", as it were.

But at least I've been able still to see trans friends who take me for who I am overall rather than just what I look like at any one time. Thanks to Emma W, Joanne F, Kimberley G, Saffy W, Michelle S, Ange P, Lynn J, Christine G for all meeting me in boy mode so far this year. It means a lot.

Sue x

Winter/spring

Time to update the blog after a very busy three weeks of work.

There was a lot of interest in my last two posts, especially thanks to T-Central's post about the latter. Thank you, Calle. There's another item I'd like to post in due course on the issue of being trans, to do with the trans phenomenon over history and across cultures.

Spring has been gently pushing winter away, the days are longer, the blossom is out and, certainly last week, the air was distinctly milder. In January I lost nine pounds in weight but then there were five weeks of freezing temperatures and I had to keep warm by eating stodgy food! At least I didn't put any more weight on so now I feel its time to continue with the weight reduction programme. My skin condition is being monitored, of course, and seems to be improving once more. Fingers crossed I can get out again soon.

One other thing is that today I have gone back through my blog to make a major change to a past post and lesser alterations to three others, not through some Stalinist or IS notion of rewriting the past but because the impressions I got and the conclusions I came to were wrong and I don't want other people to make the mistake I did.

Briefly, the problem stems from my having gradually let friends know about my trans status over the last few years but some, although they seemed supportive, used that personal information about me - especially my fears, uncertainties and family worries - to then bully and abuse me, threatening to 'out' me to others who would have caused me problems. If you tell people very personal stuff about yourself, they have an advantage over you because they are in a position to exploit that knowledge without you having any corresponding power over them to keep things balanced and in check. I had hoped they would be supportive at a time of personal trouble - it's one of the reasons you have friends, after all - but they abused me instead. So my message changes to this: if you come out, be aware that you are giving away an important fact about yourself and that, for many people, knowledge is power and they may abuse that power. I am reverting to telling people about my trans side on a strictly "need to know" basis for the time being.

Sue x

Does being trans really wreck your life?

I had a lot of reaction to my last post, mainly from friends via Facebook. The main query which arose was if being trans had really wrecked my life.

Well, given that most (we assume most) people just get on with being boys or girls, a few (we assume) have the eternal trouble of puzzling why they don't really feel comfortable in their allotted gender. For my part I have spent time each and every single day without exception since I was a toddler wondering if I'm really some kind of girl. Friends who aren't trans have marvelled that the issue should occupy any time at all, let alone so much of it.

On the strength of this I think that my life has been unduly odd and unfair. I have tried as much as possible in this blog to show other trans people and the world in general that you can make lemonade when life gives you lemons, that you can make something of this strange situation and be happy in it. That is, in part, up to you with the resources you have, be they emotional, material, or other. But, frankly, life would have been so much less stressful, fearful, exhausting, costly and weird if I hadn't been trans. The expense of having two wardrobes, the continuing fear of discovery by the wrong persons, the lack of official recognition and general understanding, the constant colouring of my thoughts and my interactions with others ... Why me? I guess what convinces me most that being trans, in any of its varied forms, is not a mental health disorder or perversion or lifestyle choice is the fact that I, like lots of others, don't want it and yet nothing I have ever done to change it, ignore it, or shake it has ever had the slightest long-term effect, unlike any other aspect of my life. I've changed everything else - views, location, decor, style, pastimes, etc. - but never this. Just like I'm unable to change my shoe size or height, much as I'd like to do that.

To cap this distress, five years after finally making it out into the big wide world and living and being treated as a woman, I now have a health condition that makes it impossible to do so. This is more than a blow. It's like Someone really really hates me.

Let us not forget the distress and depression, the dysphoria, the rejection, the abuse, threats and increased risk of violence that so many trans people suffer.

So what's good about being trans? Well, you do see things differently. To say "I see things from a woman's perspective" would be arrogant and false and I don't like it when some TGirls say this. That's not even something easily defined either. But I do distinctly have a less masculine approach, attitude and behaviour than average and my female friends (ones who know or knew only one side of me) marvel at some of the things I know about makeup and fashion and what the women's magazines are saying. Is that good? Maybe. I find women, in broad general terms, more giving and caring, more enjoyable company with more laughs and more thoughtful about important things in life like relationships and health rather than men's obsession with the footie score or career progression or statistics. That's a very brief and generalised observation, of course (through lack of time and space). Is that good? I don't know, but I like it. And I also like the better interaction I get from the public. People treat me better as a TGirl than they do as a guy. Maybe if I was 100% female they'd treat me really well. Most natal women would disagree at this point, I don't doubt. And the fact is I like things traditionally associated with femininity: flowers and soft fabrics, shades of pink, gracefulness ... a cliche maybe, but it's what I prefer. I also and obviously so much prefer women's clothes; being petite they fit me perfectly and are more comfortable and colourful and nicer to wear than men's scratchy, dull and samey stuff. Besides, my clothes are to me a badge of the club I'd rather be in. I've dressed as a woman most of my life, initially whenever I could get the chance, but in the last 20 years it's been every day and just the morning ritual of choosing something soft, comfortable and pretty makes me happy. It's always made me happy because it seems like the right thing to do to look better, feel right and say "hey, I'd like to be treated as a woman".

But then we come back to why that's a rare and weird thought.

Being trans has its joys. I do try to concentrate on those since it'd be better to enjoy this odd life than hate it. But I can never help wondering if it wouldn't have been better, certainly simpler, to have just been able to get on with life without this whole enormous difference in behaviour, outlook and treatment.

Sue x

 

How many of us are there?

I've been wondering for years how many people are trans.

In many ways, the problem is unanswerable because it's a question of degree. Some people may crossdress for a short while in their life, or very occasionally, or merely wonder about expressing their gender differently; others have to transition fully.

and a few who transition

I've heard figures of 1 to 1.5% bandied about. It's impossible to know, of course, since what is clear is that the overwhelming majority do not go out of the house or live a day-to-day life in their chosen gender. I'm unusual in that I do, but given how hard it is to meet up with other like individuals, I can only conclude that those at the publicly-visible end of the spectrum are few and far between. I call this phenomenon the Transberg - like an iceberg whose bulk is almost completely hidden underwater, where passing shipping can't see it. (I'll draw a picture of a Transberg one day.)

Britain has a population of 63 million (officially). Statistics seem to show that a few hundred a year transition here, and that the total number who live after transition seems to be 6000 - 8000 individuals. Or roughly 1 in 10,000 of the population. But given the earlier statistic I quoted, this is only about 1% of the total estimated (i.e. guessed) trans population.

Various people have had a stab at assessing our numbers. Some of those people are driven by an activist/political agenda which makes their statistics suspect, rather like reading tobacco industry funded research into smokers' health. Others use intelligent guesswork based on what appears online. My own feeling is that gender is fluid and changes throughout an individual's life so they may fall in and out of the definition at different times (or would they still count as trans in perpetuity?). As I've mentioned here before, I've been trans for ever, but the degree of it does vary from year to year and season to season. One of my own sisters was a real tomboy when aged about 4, and she can be a little boyish in style even now. But is that a sign of being trans? She's always had some feminist views in her teen/adult years and her current style may be a demonstration of those, rather than any trans aspect manifesting itself.

It's irritating not to know the answer to this question as it would help inform society. But given the fear of ridicule most trans people in the West have, which keeps them hidden away at home or in hotel rooms, rarely even telling their spouses, family or friends, I wonder if we will ever be able to know.

Why is it important to know? I think it helps demonstrate that we're not rare or weird. Supposing we could say, "Look, this school has 500 pupils aged 13-18, so by the law of averages 5 of them will be trans, one in each year". Or, "This football stadium is filled with 70,000 fans. Seven of them are transitioning/have transitioned and seven hundred are trans in one way or another". Just by way of examples. It makes the reality more immediate to everyone. And shows that the likelihood of a trans person living in your street, working in your office, attending your college/club/church etc. is quite high (or possibly quite low, depending on the elusive answer).

Here's a science article (from the respected journal Nature) mainly about intersex conditions. It offers tantalising glimpses into potential explanations for intersex and even trans conditions (none of them new). But as some of the readers' comments rightly point out, a few cases (almost anecdotal) do not a theory make, especially when intersex activists wish for an outcome and use the slenderest evidence to back their ideas.
http://www.nature.com/news/sex-redefined-1.16943?WT.mc_id=TWT_NatureNews

There really is no comprehensive scientific literature on trans matters at all, involving large-scale, double-blind trials and robust conclusions, just these little snippets of possibility. We are therefore mainly left with some rather old conclusions of psychologists, who influence our policy makers and health professionals, and who think transness is a mental disorder (and some of my trans friends agree with this, including a biologist whose opinions I necessarily respect). Like most trans people, though, I don't think my trans status derives from my thinking or mental state at all - though there's obviously a two-way communication going on between my body and my mind - but from something fundamental and innate. But how can I know? How can I be sure? As yet, I can't, and this is frustrating as I'd like to say to people "Look, I'm trans because ... my hormone balance/genetic makeup/mental state/etc. ... is such-and-such." I did take part in a study some years ago that yielded some interesting results (basically, we trans folk each develop through life in a very similar way, despite being distanced from one another, which suggests that transness is something innate rather than influenced from outside). Sadly, the persons directing that study also have strong political views and a trans promotional agenda so - like those tobacco industry researches - their conclusions, even though properly peer-reviewed, need to be considered cautiously.

I remain frustrated in my quest to know why I am trans. Frankly, this condition/existence/state/manifestation - describe it how you will - has wrecked my life, not because it itself is a problem, but because people in my society (including me) - and, I guess, in just about every other society - don't know why this trans 'thing' happens.

All I can say at the moment, like Stonewall, is "some people are trans - get over it!" But that's also a failure: a failure to understand, to research, to conclude, and so to support in any real way.

I'm trans. I live with that. I wish I wasn't. I live with that, too.

Sue x

Lilies in winter

There’s not been a lot to report as life ticks along. The weather is cold, grey and wet, but then it is February. Warm tights are a must, girls. But the evening are staying light till later and snowdrops are out and I can see crocuses and daffodils beginning to poke up out of the earth. I really don’t like winter so any signs of spring are always welcome. One lovely thing is a beautiful vase of purple lilies that was delivered to me as a gift from a friend. Their aroma is warm and heady and they are a beautiful sight.

I said I’d check my face after an arbitrary six weeks were up after New Year and unfortunately the eczema that has prevented my wearing makeup and therefore going out en femme is not good at the moment so I will just have to be patient. On the plus side (or do I mean the minus side), I have lost a little more weight. I hope to have lost a full stone by the end of February (that’s 6.5 kg to metrics).

Last month I completed my tax return, and on time too. According to our revenue ministry's propaganda, I should now have found inner peace. I haven’t and so I will have one or two things to say about that in another post. I also would like to impart some advice on bullying at work since several of my TGirlfriends are complaining of this at the moment and I hope to be able to provide some pointers and advice based on my own experiences and after becoming a workplace bullying adviser. Given how much of our waking lives we spend at work, we cannot afford to be miserable there.

Wishing you all a good weekend.

Sue x

You're still the same person

My friend Joanne has a leg in plaster following a road accident and has been housebound for a week. A while ago I'd agreed to meet another friend, Kimberley, for lunch today so we diverted our trip to Jo's so as to take her out for some fresh air and a meal that she wouldn't have to fix for herself whilst balanced on crutches.

We had a really nice long lazy lunch at the Clock House in Dulwich (http://clockhousepub.com/).

The down side is that I am still not in a position to go out in female mode and it is hard seeing all the other women around the town and feel that I am not part of it, and especially seeing these two who look so beautiful. But the point is that they still take me for who I am. "You're still the same person, whatever your outside appearance," they told me. Not all TGirls believe that, sadly, and can be real snobs about this sort of thing, but I know I have made some real friends in this trans community of ours.

I am planning a party for whenever it is that I do make it back out in girl mode.

In truth, this situation is a real struggle, but I simply have to be patient and wait for my face to heal fully.

But thanks, girls, for being real friends, and for a fun afternoon.

Sue x

PS Total weight lost in January: 9 pounds (4 kilograms). I am really thrilled by this success.

Perfect boots

Booking for boots

It's been a mixed week but I did enjoy an unexpected windfall! It's complicated, but basically a good client of mine overpaid me a lot on a job. Their own mistake. When I pointed this out and offered a refund they said that it was too much bother as it had all gone through their system so it was easier to let me keep it. I have earmarked this for that pair of custom-made knee-high real leather boots from Duo in Covent Garden http://www.duoboots.com/, where I hope to be measured up just as soon as I get out and about again (and lose a bit more weight so my calves are back to normal). It's something I've promised myself for years. Kind of this style, although I have seen similar ones in their store with an even narrower heel, which I'd prefer:

Health update

Weight loss since New Year's Day: four pounds (2 kg). Good going.
Facial issue: still hopeful.


Frock envy

Today I had to go shopping - partly electronic necessities for work, and partly trousers in men's styles. It has been so hard going back to presenting as male in public these last 6 months after several years when it was just occasional. I am down to my last four men's shirts, two pairs of shoes and two pairs of trousers. I can't remember my men's sizes any more so I had to guess. The best I can do at the moment is dress androgynously with women's jeans and sweaters, but on some occasions you can't really get away with this, hence the need to 'top up' my masculine wardrobe. But, of course, going out into London's busy centre gave me a real ache and anguish as I saw all the women going about their business and feeling that it was wrong that I wasn't counted among them. This is one of the harder parts of being trans.


Restaurant page and general update

I have put up the first page of my guide to eating and drinking in London, which I will fill up more when time allows.

Having just had my 40,000th hit, and noticed that the timeline has reset itself to when this blog actually began (August 2011, not 2008 as it seemed to suggest for much of last year!), I've also tidied up the blogroll as some sites are now defunct (sadly).

Sue x

Working in fashion, and other good stuff

I've got a whole load of news and I normally do one blog post per item but this time I'm just going to put all the points in briefly.


Working in fashion

I'm delighted to say that from December I've been able to contribute to various fashion magazines and blogs. I have always wanted to work in some way in the fashion industry (well, what TGirl wouldn't?) and now it seems to be happening. It's all about the shows in Milan, Paris, London, New York and one or two other places. Frankly, everything's in: pastels, prints, leather, satchels, diamond watches with rubber straps, bracelets for dogs ...


Bracelets for dogs? Erm, yes, I'm sorry to say that they passed me that item. Now your pampered pedigree pooch can have a bracelet for her pretty paws to match the one on yours. They don't come cheap, mind: starting prices of over 200 euros! I've asked to be put back onto frock articles!

Health improving

I am also delighted to say that I decided I would check my face at New Year and see how my eczema was getting along. I have had barely an itch and there's very little sign of it. I have chosen an arbitrary six weeks to be eczema-free continuously before I consider going out again with makeup on, i.e. as female.

To celebrate this small hope I gave myself my first all-over epilation last weekend. It was delightful to be all smooth again after six months and I put on a pair of new stockings which felt wonderful.

This weekend I will paint my toenails again. It gives me real joy to see colour on them.

I hadn't let my body hair grow since 2008 and it was an experiment to remind myself of one of several reasons why full transition is unlikely for me. Here's a photo I took before the grand epilation (warning: full frontal nudity)

I have also lost 3 pounds (1.5kg) since the New Year. Good old Slimming World - healthy eating without the hunger that ruins the resolve on most diets. Let's see how we go.


Work

It was surprisingly quiet over the Christmas and New Year period compared to last year but the work hit me like an express train at 10am on Monday. It's nice to be wanted, but I'm certainly looking forward to a break this weekend. Still, the money pays for necessities of life, like new stockings.


Bigger blog, and help wanted

I've added a page here about me and there will shortly be a page of reviews of London restaurants, followed by cafes, bars and other venues.

I have been trying to update the blogroll to the right here, but I can't seem to get rid of the now defunct Jessica Who? (so sad, she was great fun) and I can't seem to add publicly Hana Gotta's really beautiful and true-to-life "Illustrated Biography of a Crossdresser". Not sure what I'm doing wrong. Any help gratefully received on deleting and adding publicly (it's odd as the other blogs work here when adding or subtracting).


So 2015 has got off to a good start. Hope it continues well, for you too.

Sue x


One final thought:

It is through expression in blogs like this and a free press that anyone may say what they feel is right, and people who are slightly off mainstream society are thus helped to be a more visible part of the world they were born in. As someone who was herself brutalised by religious fanatics, I condemn all actions that oppress and destroy others in the name of God. I stand with my fellow illustrators, writers and publishers in France, and fellow human beings. Soyons unis en solidarité pour la liberté et contre la haine.

 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all my readers. May 2015 bring you happiness, fulfilment and prosperity.

My roundup of 2014 is in the previous post (scroll down, or click on the timeline, or link here http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/that-was-2014.html ).

2014 was a rotten year in so many ways so I am determined that 2015 will be better. This blog tries to be positive.

I spent Christmas with my friend Joanne and she has sent me this lovely little diary.

Despite so many real setbacks last year I intend to continue to feminise more in appearance and I am thinking of having my ears pierced at last. My face is very much better and I am hoping that I can put makeup on again by springtime.

As at this morning, I weigh 12 stone 9 pounds. That's 2 stone 3 pounds overweight and, yes, my resolution is, as ever, to reduce that.

You'll be noticing a few additions to this blog shortly - pages for bio info, tips for eating out in London, and maybe even some jokes.

Sue x