Sparkle 2014 – a game of two halves

The second weekend of July sees the national transgender celebration, Sparkle, in Manchester and it attracts trans people and their families and friends from all over the British Isles and abroad.

 http://www.sparkle.org.uk/

It’s not possible to tell exactly how many people turn up but it’s well into four figures. I wouldn’t miss it for anything, and as this year was Sparkle’s tenth anniversary it promised to be extra special. I was also glad to see that there was a strong emphasis on the female to male side of things this time as we male to female do tend to dominate the community as a rule. It was also the last year than Bella Jay was organising it and all credit goes to her for her incredible work in making this brilliant weekend the success that it is. Thanks, Bella. And also thanks to Kim Angel who founded the event and got it going.

I had booked long before but I was worried about the state of my face, as explained in previous posts. So I only applied my makeup when I was definitely going to go out. 

Every TGirl must photograph herself in her hotel room before she goes out. It's the law.

I started on Friday by meeting a friend who works in Manchester and we had coffee and cake in the café in the Manchester Art Gallery, a nice venue. I have spent most of my trips to Manchester meeting my friends around the Gay Village and have seen very little of the rest of the town so it was nice to do something cultural for a change and look at the paintings, including some of my favourites such as this one.

"Silver Favourites" by Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema. I was surprised by how small it was.

I went to Canal Street as other friends were beginning to turn up. I love just sitting out there in the sun with a drink, usually strawberry cider, and saying hello to people. Emma Walkey and wife, Zazoo and her pal David, Kerry Nope and Kat Roberts, Kay Denise … Joanne, she of the TGirl bar who was to be my room-mate, finally made it after almost the whole day on the road from Devon.

It's nice just to sit out on Canal Street. KD's photo.

That evening Joanne and I smartened up and went to out for the to eat at Velvet. It’s a relaxed venue for decent food and the nine of us enjoyed it.

Dinner at Velvet. L-R: Alison, Amanda, me, Zazoo, Joanne, Kay Denise and Sarah, representing between us all corners of Britain, from Kent to Northumberland and from Glasgow to Devon, with everything in between. Just the TGirls in this shot. Suki and David also joined us. KD's photo.

We went to the Molly House where there was a band playing but it was so packed that we could only just get in. Actually, it was more fun to chat on the stairs with friends like Gina and Priya. On to Napoleon’s briefly, which was heaving, and then a quieter time in Via but poor Joanne was dropping off after her long days travelling so we called it a night, pair of lightweights that we are.

On Sparkle Saturday I traditionally book lunch at Villaggio and in the past we’ve had 15-18 people come. Sadly not this year and only eight turned up, but it was an enjoyable lunch all the same and the restaurant treat us really nicely. Maybe next time it’ll be better to do it as a Saturday dinner as people these days seem too hung over or full of breakfast to want much lunch. 

Traditional Saturday lunch at Villaggio in Canal Street. L-R: Emma, Joanne, Sarah, Mrs Sox, Bobby, me, KD, Mrs Walkey.

Nice to spot Wilhelmina from Hungary and Erin from Norway in the Canal Street crowd, as well as Lisa and Rebecca from the TGirl bar, Helen from closer to home, Emma Hudson and Mrs H, and Maria who was the first person I ever met at Sparkle, back in 2010.

Sparkle in the Park is the main event, with the usual stalls and live entertainment. This is where you bump into everyone, which is what it’s all about for me and is why I go. There's plenty more 'official' entertainment laid on, but I just like the excuse to catch up with people.

But this year, this effectively marked the end of the festivities for me as my face was so sore, raw and flaking that I couldn’t continue. As it was, I hadn’t been able to shave that morning and I had somehow managed to cover my stubble with enough makeup to hide it and the awful state of my skin. I went back to the hotel, removed my makeup and my trans holiday ended.

It was pretty devastating. My friends, though, are kind and supportive and did persuade me to join the girls for dinner in Chinatown that night, albeit as a guy. Fortunately, David, Zazoo’s friend was there so I didn’t feel entirely out of place. And the following afternoon I met KD and her wife as planned. Mrs KD has become a good friend and I did want to say hello again. She saw my male side for the first time, which felt really odd, but as I am not living as fulltime female, much as I might like to, I guess there’s honesty in letting real friends see both sides of me. But I did feel out of the festivities despite a really nice tea at the Richmond Tea Rooms. I bought a Sparkle cat to console myself. 

The World Cup final was on and although I never normally take an interest in football, I watched that in the evening as it seemed the best thing to do, while Joanne, looking fabulous in a lacy goth outfit, went and did the Sparkle thing.

So basically I managed a little bit of Sparkle this year and then had to give up. And I don’t know when I will next be able to get out en femme. It won't be for a long time.

That’s not the end of this blog, of course, as I am still trans and that doesn’t change. I have various overlooked events to write up and start the restaurant bit of the blog and there’s the general thoughts about being trans. But somehow, there won’t be many out-and-about events to report on for a while. But thank for reading this. Sparkle 2013 and 2012 were blogged in the July posts for those years. They're a bit of a contrast:

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/sparke-2012.html

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/sparkle-2013.html

Sue x

Gorilla in the Miss

It’s now exactly a week since I last shaved my face. Which means that my eczema is greatly improved already … and I have more than just a touch of designer stubble.

It takes about three weeks to grow something that properly resembles a beard. And about the same amount of time for me to grow myself a hairy gorilla suit. In fact, it is the swiftness of growth and the luxuriant extent of the hair all over me that is one thing that persuades me that full transition from male to female is not really appropriate in my case. It’s too obviously masculine. Though why this rich hirsuteness should not extend to the top of my head seems very unfair.

Very many friends have contacted me over the last few days and have said many kind words to console me and I am more grateful than I can properly say in words. But the eczema is a problem that flares up on my face about every ten years and despite the best care and medical intervention there usually comes a point when the only thing you can do is to leave it strictly alone. My skin reacts badly to things like dust, mould, perfumed products, chemicals and so forth so I have always had to be careful with bathroom and household cleaners and personal grooming products. But there come a point when my skin simply overreacts furiously to anything at all put on it, even the medicines designed to fight it. So it was that, half way through the Sparkle celebrations, my painful face literally started to fall off and I realised that it was just reacting against everything that touched it – soap, moisturiser, makeup, medicine, anything at all. It’s been bad for weeks, as recorded here, but I was determined to take my planned girl time. But in the end it was just too much and the worst happened. It will clear up of its own accord in time, though how long I cannot say. Last time I did this I kept a beard on for two years. But I wasn’t out in public then. I am dreading the prospect of being bearded this time, but I know that I now have no choice.

I take some consolation from Conchita’s vistory in Eurovision and the comperes at Sparkle who wore beards. If need be, I shall go to Sparkle next year proudly sporting a beard and high heels. If I keep the hairy gorilla look I might even blend in with the Furries who gatecrash the event. After all, this doesn’t have any effect on the fact that I am trans, it’s just that I wont be able to present as a woman for a while. Oh well.

Sue x

Disaster

I went to Sparkle, the fabulous national transgender celebration in Manchester, as planned.

Sadly, I had to abandon my plans on Saturday afternoon as this eczema on my face got so bad.

I am going to have to take the final step in dealing with it, the one I had been hoping it wasn't necessary to take, which is to stop shaving and apply nothing to my face - soaps, makeup, razors, moisturisers, sunscreens, etc. - and also stop absorbing anything that heats the skin - direct sunlight, alcohol, spicy food...

I've been in this situation before, so this decision is after consultation with doctors and specialists and based on past experience.

This means that my appearances in public are ended, very likely for the rest of this year and probably more.

I have dressed as a woman every single day since I stopped purging nearly 20 years ago and I have been out and about happily in public for nearly five years so this is the worst situation that could have happened. I will still be online, of course, and I have a few things to write up, such as my holiday and what news of Sparkle I can provide.

But I am pretty devastated.

Sue x

Summer's here

Hello little blog

I got back from my summer break nearly two weeks ago but then immediately had a lot of work on and this last week I have been sorting various things out at home and trying to get some sun since there has been beautiful weather. Really hot, fine days are not common in the UK so you need to make the most of them when they come. This all means it's been a while since I last posted.

I'm going to sort out a few photos and write a proper description in due course of my time in the Lake District followed by a couple of days in Manchester and then a long weekend in Nottingham, including my return to the Nottingham Invasion. KD has already blogged about meeting up in Manchester http://kaydenisepublicblog.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/wasted-time-and-quality-too.html

Now I'm starting to prepare for Sparkle next weekend, the tenth year of this brilliant event and the fifth one that I will have attended. I haven't got any particular plans since for me it's mainly the best opportunity in the year to meet up with loads of my trans friends.

In other news, health is so-so: I am losing weight very gradually and actually managed to lose a little on holiday, which is amazing. My eczema is very bad and it was a struggle to cope with even just four times en femme during my holiday. It doesn't look it because when I am in girl mode it's hidden under makeup but when you take the makeup off it's very sore. I don't know how much of Sparkle I will actually be able to do, but all four days seems unlikely. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Sue x

Off on my travels

I'm off for a proper summer holiday, taking in the Lake District, Manchester and Nottingham where I hope to catch up with loads of different friends. My suitcase - just the one - is a perfect balance of functionality and fun, with enough versatility to ensure the girl-about-town can manage outdoor adventure and party time, too.

I'm pleased to say that i have lost nearly half a stone since rejoining Slimming World. I have emailed my holiday friends to ask them to support my weight loss programme and they said they would (before listing all the things they planned to eat and would prevent me from eating - my friends are like that! I really must think of getting some new ones!)

My eczema is not in a good state and I have been in regular consultation with the doctor. I am certainly worried that it might get too bad to cope with but I have planned things during my holiday so that I get regular respite from all the treatment that my face needs to appear reasonably feminine.

I hope the sun shines both on me and on you.

I'll post again when I'm back.

Sue x

Annual pub tour

Each year my friend Joanne Frost, a pub assistant manager, does a tour of ten interesting pubs in a different quarter of London. This year she'd selected Islington and, although I wasn't able to stay for more than four of them it was still a fun afternoon with a nice bunch of boys and girls who managed not to get drunk. The Narrow Boat by the Regent's Canal with it's light, the Island Queen, the only British pub of that name, the Earl of Essex with its beer garden and the Mucky Pup with its pool table and jukebox all show how different pubs can be but equally good for time out with friends. And the silly quiz was good as well as historical information along the way.

I couldn't do the whole tour as I have friends from Germany staying. I'm pleased to say that I now have two more friends who know all about my femme side and are supportive. It's a pity they couldn't come on the pub tour, too, but they had already made other plans.

In other news, I continue to attend my Slimming World group in the hope of losing weight. My face is still not great and I will be having another checkup with the doctor this weekand. Good news, though, is that I am having a holiday the week after next in the Lake District and Manchester. The trick is to pack all I need into just one suitcase!

Sue x

Early summer holiday

Early summer holiday… Well, more like a long weekend in the sun. But I managed it despite the state of my face. And I was glad I did as I haven’t actually had time away for eight months.

Last Thursday I was pleased to be able to meet up at long last with Amanda Parnell, the doyenne of musical TGirl videos, elegant photography and comedy double acts (like this: https://www.flickr.com/photos/amandaparnell/11426185183/). I’ve linked my blog to her Flickr pages before (http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/the-hierarchy.html).

Amanda was doing one of her mystery city video tours so I met her in the mystery city – which I cannot disclose or it would cease to be mysterious – and we had lunch in the sunshine by the cathedral. I think it’s the first time I’ve eaten outside this year. We looked around the cathedral and even went up the long flights of stairs to the gallery, and then to the roof, and then by a narrow open metal stair right to the top. Do not attempt to negotiate openwork staircases if you are wearing high heels, are overweight, slightly vertiginous and have bad eyesight. It’s too late for me now, but save yourselves! Anyway the view from the top was glorious. In the churchyard I filmed Amanda’s mysterious mystery city talk and it’s already on Flickr. Can you guess where we were?

https://www.flickr.com/photos/amandaparnell/14049171268/

I think passers-by were curious as to why this lady in a pretty dress was feeding a wire up her frock, but it’s all part of the tourist experience!

We strolled gently through the town and I met Jolene for the first time and we all enjoyed a nice Italian dinner together.

On my way home a guy stared at me a few times which disconcerted me at first. But then he said, "I think it's great that you can be who you want to be," before disappearing into the crowd. That made me smile. A kind word to a stranger goes a long way.

The next day I went to Brighton to stay with my friend Stella and her wife, Helen. A number of girls had decided to visit Brighton that weekend so we met up with them in the evening at their hotel, Legends on the sea front. This is a gay hotel – very gay in fact! – and the reception desk seems to be the bar, or the bar is the reception desk … well, who cares. Cheers! In fact, the set-up reminds me of this Mitchell and Webb sketch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jpy5Lnplt84

There’s a sequel to this sketch for aficionados.

Back to the action in Brighton. We had dinner in the pretty good Italian restaurant, La Capannina. Not cheap, but I have no complaints about the food or wine.

At La Capannina in Brighton with (l-r) Lucy, Susie, Rachel, Linda, Stella, me, Helen and Stevie

Back at the Leg Ends hotel we enjoyed a drink and the music before heading off home.

Now, I had been worried about the state of my face but on the Saturday I did manage to get fully ready before breakfast without too much pain and strife. Stella is a photographer and wants to do a series of photos of her visitors in this style of Princess Diana

Well, as she was something of a world fashion icon in my younger years, how could I resist? Despite my scarred face, the only photoshopping here was creating uniformity in the background. I like this image and I think it captures a twinkle that I do have in my eye and the smile that breaks out when I am fully femme. I like my hair like this, too. Thanks, Stella. And I look forward to taking my place in your rogue’s gallery in due course.

It was such beautiful weather and it was wonderful to be able to drive into Brighton to do some shopping with the hood of the car down. The Lanes with their jewellery shops, boutiques and makeup stores are always a delight. It was back to Leg Ends in the evening to meet the girls and head off to Il Bistro for dinner, a general Mediterranean restaurant. The food was OK on the whole, and another fun evening was spent by the group.

Don't blame me. These days it's the fashion to photograph your dinner and share it online.

The yellow haze on the sea’s horizon was extraordinary, and even more amazing was the huge copper-red moon that night. We tried photographing them but both phenomena are something you have to experience for real.

And Sunday? I had to give my face a rest for a bit. After three days of T-grade shaving, steroid creams, thick makeup applications and general overindulgence, I needed a few hours rest after waking. My hosts did do a double take at this stubbly character who turned up for breakfast. But I was determined to do the whole holiday as attractively as possible and by lunchtime I was ready to go. Lovely Linda joined us and we drove over the downs, passing a rally of hundreds of minis old and new on their way to Brighton (that’s mini cars, not mini skirts – though the latter would have been a delight, too!) We had lunch in a hidden-away pub on the edge of Lewes, the Snowdrop, a classic old English tavern which does fantastic Sunday lunches and has a wide variety of English and continental beers. My roast lamb was tasty and accompanied by a Yorkshire pudding and just about every vegetable you could think of! A delight.

Ignore the fat lump in the foreground. This pic is to show you the pretty decoration of the Snowdrop at Lewes.

The afternoon was beautiful and so, on our return, we just sunned ourselves in the garden before I caught the train back home.

What a great weekend, my first little holiday of the year – and a much needed one – and I managed to survive the depredations of the skin lurgy. Many thanks to Amanda and Jolene on Thursday, to Rachel, Helen, Linda, Lucy, Stevie and Susie at the weekend, and above all to Stella and Helen for their perfect hospitality, and for the professional photos.

It’s given me a lot of confidence to enjoy my proper summer holiday in June when I go to the Lake District and then Manchester, followed, I hope, by a return trip to the Nottingham Invasion: a whole week of summer touring and fresh air and girly nights out. And then Sparkle followed, I hope, by another trip to a different part of the South Coast in August. I am even hoping to go to Berlin en femme in the autumn, my first foreign trip as a woman. But let’s not get too carried away! There’s work to do and health to sort first!

Many thanks for your good wishes regarding my health. I think they have been working.

Sue

Health and happiness

I am sick of being fat. I know why it is – a sedentary job and too much good food and drink away from home. So I rejoined Slimming World a month ago and I hope that the encouragement of the group will help me shed some pounds. I have a couple of very smart skirts that I would like to be able to get back into and I’m pleased to say that I’m heading in the right direction already.

I have also been sticking religiously to my doctor’s suggested skin treatment regime for nearly two weeks. And in the last 48 hours, finally, I have noticed and improvement to my face. Fingers crossed I can get it to a manageable state. I do know that I am stuck with it for a while, though. Past experience suggests 2-3 years. However, as long as I can continue my life as a girl about town I guess I will just put up with it.

And to prove that I wasn’t going to let this stop me, I spent four days on holiday last week, meeting up with Amanda Parnell on one of her mystery city tours and then with many girls who had descended on Brighton for the weekend. More details in a later post. It wasn’t easy and my face was very sore and troublesome but I am glad I didn’t opt out. It means that a trip to Lancashire and the Lake District next month and Sparkle in July should be doable after all.

Sue x

Keep Fem and Carry On

My face is in a right state so I finally went to the doctor today. I had been reluctant to do so as in the past no amount of doctoring has ever done me any good in respect of eczema. Mild herbal remedies available from health food shops usually prove to be best. I imagined that 25 and more years after I last went to see a skin specialist there would have been amazing breakthroughs in medical science and some wondrous new cure. Instead, my prescription is exactly the same as the one I was given in my late teens … only the packaging is prettier.

Ideally, I ought to let this thing sort itself out by leaving my face strictly alone. But I cannot bear the idea of locking myself away or becoming a Conchita Wurst clone. So I have decided to carry on with a stiff upper lip (however blotchy). This week I’ve planned to meet up with Amanda Parnell who is coming to London at last, and then spend the weekend in Brighton. I need a little holiday as I have had no time away for 8 months (one night at Pink Punters doesn’t count). And in June I've booked to go to the Lake District and a night out in Manchester.

I will simply be taking great care with my face, using the mild steroid and face wash prescribed, and also using Neways 2nd chance shampoo (amazing cleansing power but no harsh chemicals) and taking an antihistamine to reduce inflammation (Sue’s top tip: I always take one of these when going out fully en femme anyway as it greatly reduces the risk of a runny nose or itches ruining my make-up). Let’s see how I go, and hoping it will be tolerable.

Here are some favourite photos from last week’s night out in Brick Lane. I hope to have plenty more from St Paul’s and Brighton. Wish me luck.

Sue x

The visitor in the blue dress wanted to be snapped with the lovely London ladies what we is. So she got to pose with Helen, Rachel B, Rachel C, Kay, Pippa, Irene, Rebecca and me (distracted by the traffic). Pippa's photo.

Kinkao Thai restaurant with Rachel B, Steph, Pippa, Rachel C, Helen, Denise, Kay, me, Susan, Rebecca, Irene. Susan's photo

Floral is in. Mick and Bob look on admiringly. Susan's photo.

Bad face

Sometimes it seems that life kicks you in the face. Pretty literally almost. I have the most appalling bout of eczema on my face.

I’ve suffered from eczema all my life, not as badly as some poor people, but it’s been rare for me to have no patches of this unsightly, painful and itchy skin condition. It will usually flare up somewhere over a period of 48 hours and then stay settled in that spot for a couple of years before vanishing as fast as it came. I then get a few days relief before it reappears elsewhere. It’s usually just a small patch, maybe an inch big, or several smaller blotches. The worst bout I ever had was in my very early 20s when it attacked my face and hands and was incredibly painful. Deep fissures appeared in the flesh of my fingers and shaving was destructive as it took my skin off. That was anguishing and no amount of time spent with skin specialists at the London Skin Hospital and St Thomas’s Hospital, trying every remedy known to medical science, had any real effect. In the end, after three years and much treatment, the specialist suggested that maybe I should stop shaving. So I grew a beard and that provided relief until the problem went away of its own accord. I was at that time trying to rid myself of this crazy trans thing anyway so I thought being a beardy bloke would help. It didn’t, of course, and beards weren’t much in fashion either, so I was glad when I could get rid of it. Since then I’ve tried just about every alternative kind of remedy too, vitamins, herbs, homeopathy, Chinese. Not much better, but a few things do help, notably chickweed.

Well, now that it’s been back on my face, red and painful and flaky and itchy, for two weeks I am beginning to despair. I know more now about possible causes and remedies and am doing everything I can to reduce and soothe it, but I am losing hope as I know how this thing operates and being settled for a fortnight already is not a good sign. You can imagine, after successfully getting out in public as a woman at long last, how I feel now about the possibility of growing a beard again for two years. I feel sick, actually.

I managed to go out as planned last week to go shopping with a friend and went out the other night with the Brick Lane gang. These were one off events and my condition was covered by thick makeup. But I daren’t shave my face every day at the moment so I am either confined indoors or have to do everything in stubbly male mode and whilst I’m now less bothered by male mode than I was a couple of years ago, it’s definitely not what I want. I was planning to spend a long weekend in Brighton next week but I’m not sure that’s viable. As for the four nights I have booked at Sparkle 2014, it looks like that’s all in jeopardy.

I don’t know what the cause is. Nobody quite does and there are many suspected, different causes. Stress, contact with certain things, an outward manifestation of inner illness (heart, bowel) … I am becoming more certain that my own eczema is largely linked to dust and things like mould or certain chemicals. I don’t use perfumed soaps, oils or chemical-filled products for cleaning myself or my laundry. I know that contact with mould can set it off as well as harsh chemicals such as white spirit, turpentine, motor oils, etc. The worst bouts I have had were when at school, college and in office jobs. In fact, when I stopped working in an office it largely cleared up after 40 years in that kind of dusty, enclosed educational/employment environment. I am keeping my face and head as clean as I can with pure shampoos and soaps and the one thing that seems to provide relief is chickweed salve. The one I got from my health food shop three days ago is already improving the itching and blotchiness. If you want to know what it feels like, try burning yourself and add itching powder to the burn. But don’t scratch. The relief from scratching is only immediate and damages your skin so you are worse off when you have finished, and you’ll still feel itchy. It can keep you awake at night. Because it looks unsightly, friends who usually kiss me goodbye have declined to do so this week. They won’t catch anything, but it’s offputting. I don’t blame them but I can’t help feeling sad at losing this sign of affection.

I cannot describe the distress I feel at the moment. After all this effort to get out, come out to friends, and generally make way in the world as a TGirl, to be thwarted like this is agonising. I’m grateful to so very many friends who have been supportive but I’m going to have to decide soon what course I’m going to have to take. I wouldn’t put this post up if I wasn’t now genuinely worried.

Please hope for the best for me.

Sue x

UPDATE 11 May 2014: Well, now that Conchita Wurst has won last night's Eurovision song contest there might very well be a surge in acceptance of bearded crossdressers, so I could be all right! (And what an incredible coincidence that she popped up on the day I wrote this page.)

When I am in need of hope I buy a little plant and nurture it. A tiny money plant that I bought when I first moved to my current home was to hope that it would be a good home for me. Well, I have lived here for 18 years now and my plant's offshoots are now propagated in pots all over the house. When I was made redundant and thought of going self-employed I got a tiny spider plant and it seems happy and my work is going very well. So yesterday I got a weird-looking thing that the stallholder said was related to lilies but I've never seen before and I intend to nurture it in the hope that my nasty face thing will go away. I'm not superstitious but I think that seeing these little planties helps focus my mind on what it is I'm needing to happen. So meet Bethany, the Weird Lily Kind of Planty Thing:

Help me get better, darling. There can't be room for more than one odd-looking thing here, and that's you.

Sue x