Does being trans really wreck your life?

I had a lot of reaction to my last post, mainly from friends via Facebook. The main query which arose was if being trans had really wrecked my life.

Well, given that most (we assume most) people just get on with being boys or girls, a few (we assume) have the eternal trouble of puzzling why they don't really feel comfortable in their allotted gender. For my part I have spent time each and every single day without exception since I was a toddler wondering if I'm really some kind of girl. Friends who aren't trans have marvelled that the issue should occupy any time at all, let alone so much of it.

On the strength of this I think that my life has been unduly odd and unfair. I have tried as much as possible in this blog to show other trans people and the world in general that you can make lemonade when life gives you lemons, that you can make something of this strange situation and be happy in it. That is, in part, up to you with the resources you have, be they emotional, material, or other. But, frankly, life would have been so much less stressful, fearful, exhausting, costly and weird if I hadn't been trans. The expense of having two wardrobes, the continuing fear of discovery by the wrong persons, the lack of official recognition and general understanding, the constant colouring of my thoughts and my interactions with others ... Why me? I guess what convinces me most that being trans, in any of its varied forms, is not a mental health disorder or perversion or lifestyle choice is the fact that I, like lots of others, don't want it and yet nothing I have ever done to change it, ignore it, or shake it has ever had the slightest long-term effect, unlike any other aspect of my life. I've changed everything else - views, location, decor, style, pastimes, etc. - but never this. Just like I'm unable to change my shoe size or height, much as I'd like to do that.

To cap this distress, five years after finally making it out into the big wide world and living and being treated as a woman, I now have a health condition that makes it impossible to do so. This is more than a blow. It's like Someone really really hates me.

Let us not forget the distress and depression, the dysphoria, the rejection, the abuse, threats and increased risk of violence that so many trans people suffer.

So what's good about being trans? Well, you do see things differently. To say "I see things from a woman's perspective" would be arrogant and false and I don't like it when some TGirls say this. That's not even something easily defined either. But I do distinctly have a less masculine approach, attitude and behaviour than average and my female friends (ones who know or knew only one side of me) marvel at some of the things I know about makeup and fashion and what the women's magazines are saying. Is that good? Maybe. I find women, in broad general terms, more giving and caring, more enjoyable company with more laughs and more thoughtful about important things in life like relationships and health rather than men's obsession with the footie score or career progression or statistics. That's a very brief and generalised observation, of course (through lack of time and space). Is that good? I don't know, but I like it. And I also like the better interaction I get from the public. People treat me better as a TGirl than they do as a guy. Maybe if I was 100% female they'd treat me really well. Most natal women would disagree at this point, I don't doubt. And the fact is I like things traditionally associated with femininity: flowers and soft fabrics, shades of pink, gracefulness ... a cliche maybe, but it's what I prefer. I also and obviously so much prefer women's clothes; being petite they fit me perfectly and are more comfortable and colourful and nicer to wear than men's scratchy, dull and samey stuff. Besides, my clothes are to me a badge of the club I'd rather be in. I've dressed as a woman most of my life, initially whenever I could get the chance, but in the last 20 years it's been every day and just the morning ritual of choosing something soft, comfortable and pretty makes me happy. It's always made me happy because it seems like the right thing to do to look better, feel right and say "hey, I'd like to be treated as a woman".

But then we come back to why that's a rare and weird thought.

Being trans has its joys. I do try to concentrate on those since it'd be better to enjoy this odd life than hate it. But I can never help wondering if it wouldn't have been better, certainly simpler, to have just been able to get on with life without this whole enormous difference in behaviour, outlook and treatment.

Sue x

 

How many of us are there?

I've been wondering for years how many people are trans.

In many ways, the problem is unanswerable because it's a question of degree. Some people may crossdress for a short while in their life, or very occasionally, or merely wonder about expressing their gender differently; others have to transition fully.

and a few who transition

I've heard figures of 1 to 1.5% bandied about. It's impossible to know, of course, since what is clear is that the overwhelming majority do not go out of the house or live a day-to-day life in their chosen gender. I'm unusual in that I do, but given how hard it is to meet up with other like individuals, I can only conclude that those at the publicly-visible end of the spectrum are few and far between. I call this phenomenon the Transberg - like an iceberg whose bulk is almost completely hidden underwater, where passing shipping can't see it. (I'll draw a picture of a Transberg one day.)

Britain has a population of 63 million (officially). Statistics seem to show that a few hundred a year transition here, and that the total number who live after transition seems to be 6000 - 8000 individuals. Or roughly 1 in 10,000 of the population. But given the earlier statistic I quoted, this is only about 1% of the total estimated (i.e. guessed) trans population.

Various people have had a stab at assessing our numbers. Some of those people are driven by an activist/political agenda which makes their statistics suspect, rather like reading tobacco industry funded research into smokers' health. Others use intelligent guesswork based on what appears online. My own feeling is that gender is fluid and changes throughout an individual's life so they may fall in and out of the definition at different times (or would they still count as trans in perpetuity?). As I've mentioned here before, I've been trans for ever, but the degree of it does vary from year to year and season to season. One of my own sisters was a real tomboy when aged about 4, and she can be a little boyish in style even now. But is that a sign of being trans? She's always had some feminist views in her teen/adult years and her current style may be a demonstration of those, rather than any trans aspect manifesting itself.

It's irritating not to know the answer to this question as it would help inform society. But given the fear of ridicule most trans people in the West have, which keeps them hidden away at home or in hotel rooms, rarely even telling their spouses, family or friends, I wonder if we will ever be able to know.

Why is it important to know? I think it helps demonstrate that we're not rare or weird. Supposing we could say, "Look, this school has 500 pupils aged 13-18, so by the law of averages 5 of them will be trans, one in each year". Or, "This football stadium is filled with 70,000 fans. Seven of them are transitioning/have transitioned and seven hundred are trans in one way or another". Just by way of examples. It makes the reality more immediate to everyone. And shows that the likelihood of a trans person living in your street, working in your office, attending your college/club/church etc. is quite high (or possibly quite low, depending on the elusive answer).

Here's a science article (from the respected journal Nature) mainly about intersex conditions. It offers tantalising glimpses into potential explanations for intersex and even trans conditions (none of them new). But as some of the readers' comments rightly point out, a few cases (almost anecdotal) do not a theory make, especially when intersex activists wish for an outcome and use the slenderest evidence to back their ideas.
http://www.nature.com/news/sex-redefined-1.16943?WT.mc_id=TWT_NatureNews

There really is no comprehensive scientific literature on trans matters at all, involving large-scale, double-blind trials and robust conclusions, just these little snippets of possibility. We are therefore mainly left with some rather old conclusions of psychologists, who influence our policy makers and health professionals, and who think transness is a mental disorder (and some of my trans friends agree with this, including a biologist whose opinions I necessarily respect). Like most trans people, though, I don't think my trans status derives from my thinking or mental state at all - though there's obviously a two-way communication going on between my body and my mind - but from something fundamental and innate. But how can I know? How can I be sure? As yet, I can't, and this is frustrating as I'd like to say to people "Look, I'm trans because ... my hormone balance/genetic makeup/mental state/etc. ... is such-and-such." I did take part in a study some years ago that yielded some interesting results (basically, we trans folk each develop through life in a very similar way, despite being distanced from one another, which suggests that transness is something innate rather than influenced from outside). Sadly, the persons directing that study also have strong political views and a trans promotional agenda so - like those tobacco industry researches - their conclusions, even though properly peer-reviewed, need to be considered cautiously.

I remain frustrated in my quest to know why I am trans. Frankly, this condition/existence/state/manifestation - describe it how you will - has wrecked my life, not because it itself is a problem, but because people in my society (including me) - and, I guess, in just about every other society - don't know why this trans 'thing' happens.

All I can say at the moment, like Stonewall, is "some people are trans - get over it!" But that's also a failure: a failure to understand, to research, to conclude, and so to support in any real way.

I'm trans. I live with that. I wish I wasn't. I live with that, too.

Sue x

Lilies in winter

There’s not been a lot to report as life ticks along. The weather is cold, grey and wet, but then it is February. Warm tights are a must, girls. But the evening are staying light till later and snowdrops are out and I can see crocuses and daffodils beginning to poke up out of the earth. I really don’t like winter so any signs of spring are always welcome. One lovely thing is a beautiful vase of purple lilies that was delivered to me as a gift from a friend. Their aroma is warm and heady and they are a beautiful sight.

I said I’d check my face after an arbitrary six weeks were up after New Year and unfortunately the eczema that has prevented my wearing makeup and therefore going out en femme is not good at the moment so I will just have to be patient. On the plus side (or do I mean the minus side), I have lost a little more weight. I hope to have lost a full stone by the end of February (that’s 6.5 kg to metrics).

Last month I completed my tax return, and on time too. According to our revenue ministry's propaganda, I should now have found inner peace. I haven’t and so I will have one or two things to say about that in another post. I also would like to impart some advice on bullying at work since several of my TGirlfriends are complaining of this at the moment and I hope to be able to provide some pointers and advice based on my own experiences and after becoming a workplace bullying adviser. Given how much of our waking lives we spend at work, we cannot afford to be miserable there.

Wishing you all a good weekend.

Sue x

You're still the same person

My friend Joanne has a leg in plaster following a road accident and has been housebound for a week. A while ago I'd agreed to meet another friend, Kimberley, for lunch today so we diverted our trip to Jo's so as to take her out for some fresh air and a meal that she wouldn't have to fix for herself whilst balanced on crutches.

We had a really nice long lazy lunch at the Clock House in Dulwich (http://clockhousepub.com/).

The down side is that I am still not in a position to go out in female mode and it is hard seeing all the other women around the town and feel that I am not part of it, and especially seeing these two who look so beautiful. But the point is that they still take me for who I am. "You're still the same person, whatever your outside appearance," they told me. Not all TGirls believe that, sadly, and can be real snobs about this sort of thing, but I know I have made some real friends in this trans community of ours.

I am planning a party for whenever it is that I do make it back out in girl mode.

In truth, this situation is a real struggle, but I simply have to be patient and wait for my face to heal fully.

But thanks, girls, for being real friends, and for a fun afternoon.

Sue x

PS Total weight lost in January: 9 pounds (4 kilograms). I am really thrilled by this success.

Perfect boots

Booking for boots

It's been a mixed week but I did enjoy an unexpected windfall! It's complicated, but basically a good client of mine overpaid me a lot on a job. Their own mistake. When I pointed this out and offered a refund they said that it was too much bother as it had all gone through their system so it was easier to let me keep it. I have earmarked this for that pair of custom-made knee-high real leather boots from Duo in Covent Garden http://www.duoboots.com/, where I hope to be measured up just as soon as I get out and about again (and lose a bit more weight so my calves are back to normal). It's something I've promised myself for years. Kind of this style, although I have seen similar ones in their store with an even narrower heel, which I'd prefer:

Health update

Weight loss since New Year's Day: four pounds (2 kg). Good going.
Facial issue: still hopeful.


Frock envy

Today I had to go shopping - partly electronic necessities for work, and partly trousers in men's styles. It has been so hard going back to presenting as male in public these last 6 months after several years when it was just occasional. I am down to my last four men's shirts, two pairs of shoes and two pairs of trousers. I can't remember my men's sizes any more so I had to guess. The best I can do at the moment is dress androgynously with women's jeans and sweaters, but on some occasions you can't really get away with this, hence the need to 'top up' my masculine wardrobe. But, of course, going out into London's busy centre gave me a real ache and anguish as I saw all the women going about their business and feeling that it was wrong that I wasn't counted among them. This is one of the harder parts of being trans.


Restaurant page and general update

I have put up the first page of my guide to eating and drinking in London, which I will fill up more when time allows.

Having just had my 40,000th hit, and noticed that the timeline has reset itself to when this blog actually began (August 2011, not 2008 as it seemed to suggest for much of last year!), I've also tidied up the blogroll as some sites are now defunct (sadly).

Sue x

Working in fashion, and other good stuff

I've got a whole load of news and I normally do one blog post per item but this time I'm just going to put all the points in briefly.


Working in fashion

I'm delighted to say that from December I've been able to contribute to various fashion magazines and blogs. I have always wanted to work in some way in the fashion industry (well, what TGirl wouldn't?) and now it seems to be happening. It's all about the shows in Milan, Paris, London, New York and one or two other places. Frankly, everything's in: pastels, prints, leather, satchels, diamond watches with rubber straps, bracelets for dogs ...


Bracelets for dogs? Erm, yes, I'm sorry to say that they passed me that item. Now your pampered pedigree pooch can have a bracelet for her pretty paws to match the one on yours. They don't come cheap, mind: starting prices of over 200 euros! I've asked to be put back onto frock articles!

Health improving

I am also delighted to say that I decided I would check my face at New Year and see how my eczema was getting along. I have had barely an itch and there's very little sign of it. I have chosen an arbitrary six weeks to be eczema-free continuously before I consider going out again with makeup on, i.e. as female.

To celebrate this small hope I gave myself my first all-over epilation last weekend. It was delightful to be all smooth again after six months and I put on a pair of new stockings which felt wonderful.

This weekend I will paint my toenails again. It gives me real joy to see colour on them.

I hadn't let my body hair grow since 2008 and it was an experiment to remind myself of one of several reasons why full transition is unlikely for me. Here's a photo I took before the grand epilation (warning: full frontal nudity)

I have also lost 3 pounds (1.5kg) since the New Year. Good old Slimming World - healthy eating without the hunger that ruins the resolve on most diets. Let's see how we go.


Work

It was surprisingly quiet over the Christmas and New Year period compared to last year but the work hit me like an express train at 10am on Monday. It's nice to be wanted, but I'm certainly looking forward to a break this weekend. Still, the money pays for necessities of life, like new stockings.


Bigger blog, and help wanted

I've added a page here about me and there will shortly be a page of reviews of London restaurants, followed by cafes, bars and other venues.

I have been trying to update the blogroll to the right here, but I can't seem to get rid of the now defunct Jessica Who? (so sad, she was great fun) and I can't seem to add publicly Hana Gotta's really beautiful and true-to-life "Illustrated Biography of a Crossdresser". Not sure what I'm doing wrong. Any help gratefully received on deleting and adding publicly (it's odd as the other blogs work here when adding or subtracting).


So 2015 has got off to a good start. Hope it continues well, for you too.

Sue x


One final thought:

It is through expression in blogs like this and a free press that anyone may say what they feel is right, and people who are slightly off mainstream society are thus helped to be a more visible part of the world they were born in. As someone who was herself brutalised by religious fanatics, I condemn all actions that oppress and destroy others in the name of God. I stand with my fellow illustrators, writers and publishers in France, and fellow human beings. Soyons unis en solidarité pour la liberté et contre la haine.

 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all my readers. May 2015 bring you happiness, fulfilment and prosperity.

My roundup of 2014 is in the previous post (scroll down, or click on the timeline, or link here http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/that-was-2014.html ).

2014 was a rotten year in so many ways so I am determined that 2015 will be better. This blog tries to be positive.

I spent Christmas with my friend Joanne and she has sent me this lovely little diary.

Despite so many real setbacks last year I intend to continue to feminise more in appearance and I am thinking of having my ears pierced at last. My face is very much better and I am hoping that I can put makeup on again by springtime.

As at this morning, I weigh 12 stone 9 pounds. That's 2 stone 3 pounds overweight and, yes, my resolution is, as ever, to reduce that.

You'll be noticing a few additions to this blog shortly - pages for bio info, tips for eating out in London, and maybe even some jokes.

Sue x

That was 2014

Each year I do an end-of-year roundup here. The trouble is, this year is only really a half-year because the eczema that has afflicted my face curtailed all female presentation after July. It has been very hard, weird and quite distressing, after 4 years of presenting mainly as female, to go back to essentially full-time male. I think I should be OK to put on makeup again soon but I would prefer to be fully clear of it rather than trying to risk a start that’s too early. A friend of mine yesterday likened it to a sports injury: you feel you’re probably OK enough to go back to playing but end up making things worse if you aren’t yet 100% healed. So I’ve decided to adopt Stella’s portrait photo of me as my avatar for 2015 – you can actually see the scarring here, but I hope I still look pretty.

Nottingham: Revolution

As for 2014 itself, the first half of the year it was the regular round of meals out with my girlfriends – Brick Lane, the West End, and other parts of London. I

London: Kinkao in Brick Lane

London: Salieri in the Strand

Brighton: La Capannina

Manchester: Canal St

London: Islington

also had time away in Brighton, Manchester (twice) and Nottingham, always with lots of girls around.

But those trips I made to see Tgirlfriends after my enforced change showed me that I have made some genuine friends as they all insisted – despite my protests – on presenting as male in sympathy with me. Thank you.

I am bothered by the disappearance of some friends. Often TGirls you have got to know just vanish – they get fed up with the scene, or they hope to cure themselves of their transness by finding masculine distractions, or they remarry and the new wife doesn’t know (a mistake in my view). I’m wondering about the time that I can’t help feeling was wasted in trying to get to know these disappearing acts. Of course, people have their motives and it wouldn’t be right to discourage them from doing what’s best for them, but a quick word of goodbye and even explanation never goes amiss.

I’m not sure what 2015 will bring but as far as this blog goes I will definitely be doing proper reviews of places in London that TGirls can eat and drink at and feel comfortable. I have promised this for years but I am now ready to do this!

Sue x

Merry Christmas

Just to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas holiday. Whatever you are doing, I hope it is a good time for you.

I will be spending time with a couple of Tgirlfriends over the next week even though, sadly, I am still not ready to apply makeup to my face and present as female in public. That being the case, I haven't been able to take my annual Christmas photo so here's one from 2009, taken just a few weeks before I went out in public for the very first time. I feel equally confined now so it seems a suitable picture to use this year.

My very best wishes to you.

Sue x

Nottingham: the only place to invade!

Sometimes I leave a report of where I’ve been until some time after it has happened, for periods when news is slow. And now that the weather’s wet and grey I feel it’s time to think back to June when I went on the Nottingham Invasion again.

This was my fourth visit to this monthly event. The most popular posts on this blog are those which relate to my previous trips to join the Invasion so if you want to read up more about the fun to be had there, here are the links:

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/nottingham-invasion.html

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/nottingham-invaded-again.html

http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2012_09_01_archive.html

This time I’d reached Nottingham by train from Manchester where I’d spent a couple of days catching up with friends in Canal Street – see here http://suerichmond.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/manchester-in-summer.html ). The journey between the two cities was not one I’d ever done before, and it’s rather an attractive one as the railway cuts through the Pennines.

In Nottingham I stayed in the Welbeck Hotel just off the city centre, a decent place and very good value, I thought. Mind you, anywhere is good value compared to London! So I got myself nicely dressed and made up for the evening with a floral summery dress and a leather jacket for when it got chillier and I went to join Gina, Emma and Ange in Prezzo for dinner. It’s an Italian and the food was pretty good. It was good to catch up with the girls as it had been a while since I had last seen them.

We sauntered off to the New Foresters pub where, being summer, it was now nice to stand out in the yard at the back (it’s always been wintry on previous visits). It was good to say hi to old friends like Tania Thomas, Rachael Spire and Rachel Katie Showdown and meet some new girls, Pippa Jo and her wife, Nikki Evans whom so far I had only met online, Alison and Rachel Kay. I did miss Vanessa Hardwick whom I’ve been trying to meet for a while. That’s because the Invasion doesn’t stick to one location but is nomadic and who you chat to depends where you end up.

With Rachael and Rachel in Revolution. Photo by Gina.

So after the New Foresters we went to Revolution, not a venue I’d visited before. Mixed boys and girls there but large and a bit too noisy so we didn’t stay long and went to a new place a couple of doors along, the Rum House to try some of their cocktails, which were quite potent. Well, as they should be! I preferred this place but the downstairs bar where we sat and chatted closed at midnight so we headed to the venue we always end up in, which is NG1. This used to be a gay club but now seems not to bother emphasising the LGBT aspect, which I guess is the best way for things to go. The bar area is still comfortable, attractive and well-stocked and a good place for a chat, the dance floor at the back is fun. 

As I said, the Invasion tends to disperse over the bars, pubs and clubs of the city centre and girls end up texting frantically to see where everyone else has got to. You know, I’m not quite as young as makeup makes me look and, frankly, after four venues and dinner I felt it was time to call it a night.

I do recommend this event on the third Friday of every month. Compared to the small area and noisy venues frequented by Leeds First Friday, Girls’ Big Night Out at the single venue Pink Punters on the second Friday of every month, and the ghetto at Manchester's Canal Street, this is so much more like a normal night out on the town, which is what living a trans life is for me, i.e. just going to regular venues with the rest of the public.

I finished my summer holiday by leaving the hotel the next day and spending a few days with some of my best friends who live in the city.

Thanks to all you super girls in Nottingham for making a girl from so far away so welcome. I hope to get back to Nottingham and the Invasion again next year.

Sue x