A weighty issue!

 My perfect weight is 63 kg or 10 stone exactly. That's because I am petite, just 163 cm (or 5 foot 4) tall and my shoe size is EU 39 or UK 5½ (I think that's an 8 in the USA).

Being petite is great when you're shopping for women's clothing as there's plenty to fit. A lot of my M2F friends struggle with much less choice and I feel for them, and indeed for the plenty of taller, larger or broader footed women out there. However, being petite is not so good when you're forced to be in a man's world when height and bulk count for a lot. It's why I developed a disarming sense of humour - men don't respect my smallness, but they respect a good entertainer.

But I'm committed to the feminine side of life. I fully accepted that way back in late 1990s and have been my feminine self every day since, even if not necessarily all day. 

When I was young I was very slim. The fact is, I didn't like eating. I guess my parents and, to an extent, my schools were very forceful about eating and I think I associated food with repression. Then I started working, got my own home, and made a point of taking more interest in food and food preparation and I got quite plump. A girlfriend twenty years ago wanted to lose weight and so I went along with her to Slimming World to give moral support and I started to lose weight alongside her till I was at my ideal size. I kept that perfect weight for several years, including my first trips out as Sue, until a more sedentary job made me very gradually put on the pounds. Only two or three pounds (1-2 kg) a year but over time that builds up. Then having my leg damaged in 2018 and having to sit with my leg up for months and not being able to walk properly till early 2020 really did for me. After that, being confined indoors by Covid lockdowns added to the problem. By late 2020 I was the biggest I've ever been, 95kg or 15 stone. The only way was down and I did very well until March last year, getting down to 74kg (11 stone 9 pounds). The outbreak of the Ukraine war was very distressing, though. It shattered the world order we've had since 1945 and, on top of all the distress of my eczema since 2014 that practically ended my public appearances as Sue, Brexit 2016 that damaged my business, the stress of moving abroad, the isolation and stress of Covid, I've rather felt like giving up. Comfort eating really is a thing. By the end of this May I was back up to 90 kg (14'2"). 

The above may be dull reading but it explains what's happened and why my weight has yo-yoed for a decade or more.

These last 10 days it's been hot and so I've felt like eating a lot less, and that mainly salads, and I've not drunk any wine or other alcohol (wine is the most fattening thing of all - you might as well drink lard). I've swum every day and I always take a 30-60 minute trip to the shops every day, carrying my shopping back up a steep mountain road. So in those 10 days I've lost 1.7 kg or nearly 4 lb. This is the way to go so may the hot weather continue! I also hope for no new traumas. Especially that. That way I may get back to my proper healthy weight again and enjoy those cute little dresses I still keep in the hope they'll fit once more.

2008 - optimal weight and shape (although I did have a corset on)

 

Hope and pride

I was delighted to hear that Milan Pride, Italy, attracted an estimated 300,000 attendees. The city's population is 1.3 million so that is a H-U-U-U-GE turnout. 

I'm also happy to say that much of the press in Italy - notably the Gedi Group, that publishes quality daily newspapers and science magazines, and the fashion press like Elle - are resolutely generous towards the reporting of LGBT issues and let the community speak for themselves. But then I have noticed that the Italian media are much freer and less hostile than the British press I used to know.

On the down side, I am upset that Queerpoint Makeover Studio in St Petersburg, Russia, that did makeovers and shopping trips for TGirls, and seemed to be spearheading a Russia where it was OK to be out and trans, has shut down most of its online presence. With the inhuman repression of LGBT people as Putin's war and other failures need more scapegoats, I hope they can keep themselves and their clients safe.

A dip in the archives

Another photo from Sparkle Festivals past. This one taken in Canal Street, Manchester, in 2015. Happy days.

Sue x

Like a box of chocolates

 Today is World Chocolate Day and this post is something like a box of half a dozen little morsels that I hope will be tasty.

Allegedly, July 7th is the day, in 1550, when chocolate was first brought to Europe from the New World. I suspect this is just marketing guff and no-one has a clue when the first shipload of cocoa beans, cocoa paste or whatever it was first landed. You get these tall tales from PR people peddling food, like the one about Marco Polo introducing pasta to Italy, which he'd brought all the way from China. Presumably with a jar of Dolmio sauce!

Anyway, I shall be celebrating World Chocolate Day. I tend to celebrate it every day!

La Bulle

I've been reading a lot about a new refuge set up in the heart of Paris a few weeks ago with the support of the city council. It's a centre that is home to seven LGBT+ charities and provides a safe space for socialising and enjoying communal meals, with medical and legal help and even clothing where needed. It includes XY Media, a media station with dedicated studio for the M2F trans community.

Most significantly, some of the organisations associated with it provide help to LGBT people in countries where being gay or trans is illegal or very dangerous, working to help bring young LGBT people to France for their safety. Getting through French immigration is not easy at the best of times (been there, done that, and it's a slog even with assistance) and although it may take time and several attempts, the one thing that gay or trans people from abroad said they appreciated most was the fact that the French government and people accept that you are gay or straight, trans or cis without issue, which is not the case where they originate from. The French may not want so many foreigners living in France, but at least they take them for who they are.

I hope this centre thrives. 

Sparkle

It's the Sparkle transgender celebration in Manchester this weekend and I wish all the trans people there and their families and friends a good time.

I found this previously unpublished photo today, from Sparkle ten years ago, showing me with Jemma and Zazoo. It's a nice reminder of the fun we had in those days. This was in the Molly House pub.

Sad, though, to note my beloved friend Kate in my report of Sparkle 2013. She passed away in April this year.

 

Pretty thing of the week

I have some chicory growing in a pot. It was planted during the campaign by our local paper for readers to grow a kitchen garden during the Covid lockdowns, and the paper provided seeds every week. This chicory didn't get cooked last year and this week it has put out the prettiest pale blue-purple, almost lilac, flowers. They open by day and close in the evening into a dusty-pink trumpet. Who knew?

 

Stay cool

This week the world has beaten the all-time temperature records. I tolerate heat well and it's never too crazy here (about 30C or 86F in July). July is also my favourite month of the year, with its long days, balmy evenings and warm sunshine. Nevertheless, taking it gently is the way forward till things cool down. I am blessed with both an attractive swimming pool and the seashore very close by and that is where I shall be a lot of the time this summer.

 

Now that my friends have gone, I want to try out all my new makeup, but the heat is not conducive to water-based makeup or a big wig. We'll see if I can manage a really good effort on my makeup soon, though.

Red

Thanks for comments on my last post on whether red suits me. More comments are welcome. I shall try being bolder and brighter more often.

Sue x

Do I look good in red?

 I've always had a thing for pink. If I didn't, this blog wouldn't be written in pink ink, would it?

But a female friend of mine has often commented that I actually look good in red. My mother looks good in red and I often feel I look a bit too much like her, but she has the advantage of having jet black hair whereas mine is dark brown and my wigs tend to be based on chestnut hues.

What do you think? Here are some photos that have sparked my friend's comments.

If you're wondering, I look very much like my mother in this pic:

I usually wear pink or floral prints or black but I'm now wondering if red is something I should go for more. It draws more attention, but you also need to pick items that are most complimentary to yourself, too. I recall going to the Boudoir dressing service many years ago now and being told that I should go for shorter skirts and the reason is that I am short (5'4" or 163cm) so longer skirts make me look shorter, shorter ones make me look taller (and don't forget the heels!) 

So I'm always ready to take advice to look better and comments are very welcome. Take a look at my photo gallery here for comparison with other outfits: Gallery

Pride Month

I won't post much on Pride month just ended other than to say that we need a lot more than just a month to make our rights and existence known. Although these Pride events do go on for much of the summer, it's true. The more the better, frankly. 

I was sorry to see that Marseilles Pride in France at the weekend had to be cancelled at the last minute because the police pulled out since they were, they say, needed to quell rioters, although I can't help feeling that their prejudice against immigrants is also showing in a more subtle way against the LGBT+ community. What better way to reduce tension in a big city than a big colourful parade all about tolerance, with the police acting merely as stewards?

Anyway, the Guardian newspaper in the UK has some pictures from London Pride last weekend that are colourful and fun:

London Pride 2023

Sue x

Hitchcockian suspense

 I have been trying to write a post about girl stuff but the last few days have brought an invasion of seagulls into my life.

Yes, you read that right. The man next door has seagulls nesting on his roof. He is also doing building work. I don't have seagulls on my roof because I have had anti-bird wires put there. I hope he might do the same but, since he's a politician, he's all gas and no competence.

Last week, one seagull chick (I use the word advisedly - it's huge, with a wingspan of at least three feet) jumped off my neighbour's roof onto his front terrace but couldn't seem to take the leap of faith needed to fly, despite the manhandling and coaxing of one of my friends staying with me. (Don't worry, she works with animals; usually horses, but as this gull was almost as big as a horse, I guess it falls within her competence). Eventually, though, it disappeared, presumably having finally soared to glory ...or else having left a seagull-shaped hole in the lawn below.

On Tuesday, another one appeared but chose to hop through the gap that my neighbour's building works have left in the divider between our two properties and waddle all over my terrace. Once it had started to kick my plant pots about, I shooed it back (not after it had taken a tour of the living room!) and it spent the rest of the day disconsolately pacing up and down next door hoping its mum would come and sort its life out. She did return late in the afternoon and this seemed to provide some reassurance, and next door's builder left a pot of water out for it (which it kicked over!)

 

Later in the evening I went to water the plants on the back terrace and behold! another chick was there. How did it get there? And why was it pecking at the door trying to get in? (Maybe it just wanted to watch the football on my TV or something.) Was it the same one as before that, somehow, had hopped over the building? Creepy mysteries, my friends and I began to feel like I had birds raining down on me like Tippi Hedren in Hitchcock's film The Birds, only these birds are fat and dopey. More like how the Three Stooges would've made a movie about sinister birds (titled Them Dumb Boids or similar). This last pest of a bird was clumping about all night.

This morning all chicks have gone, only the mess remains to clean up. Fortunately, the increasing heat of the last few days has now led to a thunderstorm and I'm hoping this will do most of the work.

So that's my excuse for not writing about Pride or makeup or trans life, I've been living a weird aerial nightmare. And it's been a week of sorting out telephones and tax forms. Yeah, even TGirls have practical stuff to do; it's not all glamour, you know.

Pride month

A brief word as Pride Month comes to an end. There's a lot of pushing against us by the more extreme ends of the political spectrum but here in Italy, for instance, various Pride events have brought out strong support. I feel the bullies are not going to win however focused their anti-LGBT campaigns might be becoming.

Sue x

Nice friends, maybe allies

 I had a lovely time with my two female friends who came to stay. But now that the English-speaking world has suddenly started having the trans community as its bogeyman, it's not as easy to come out now as it used to be, as my last post illustrated. (Thanks, incidentally, to Calie at T-Central for featuring that post on her site.) So I hid my trans-related stuff away. And there was a lot to hide - it took hours. This is not something I do very often these days, especially in my own home, but I felt it wise.

So how did it go? Well, we swam at the beach and the swimming pool, caught the sun, saw the sights in town and, above all, ate lots of the fresh fish we have here. Oh, and they liked the aperitifs, too! They refused to allow me to pay my share and so I am now full of free fish and wine, like some fat mermaid!

We had a lot of catching up to do since I hadn't seen them for about five years (thanks, Brexit! thanks, Covid!). When one casually mentioned that she had been to Brighton Pride and found it such fun, and we agreed that to live in Brighton you had to be a bit alternative. She was glad that LGBT+ people had a safe space there and seemed to be a majority in the town, then I felt that maybe we have an ally in her. I also mentioned that previous guests of mine had included a gay couple, which didn't raise much apparent consternation. 

Given my past experience, though, I won't test the idea of recruiting her as an ally for myself as I don't feel I would gain enough benefit. But it's good to see that another person is, in principle, on board with the notion of people being LGBT+. The other friend I'm less sure about.

Anyway, the experience was positive and although I had to act the male, the pleasant company made that tolerable.

 

Hot

It's full-on summer now and was 30C (86F) in the shade today so I am likely to stay put for the next 2-3 months and top up my tan. Warm sunshine does me more good than anything else.

A dip in the archives

I came across another old photo, a souvenir of great times ten years ago when I went to Camden Markets with friends. You can read about it here: Looking Ahead to Summer

 

That was such a fun time in my life when I just came and went en femme as I pleased.

Sue x

Hiding stuff again

 I have two friends coming to stay this weekend. We used to work together twenty years ago. I've always seen employment not merely as a means of earning a living but as one way of being in company with others and even making friends.

As colleagues, these two friends became inseperable from one another. One has a married daughter and a granddaughter in France and the other has a married son and grandchildren in the States, so trips to see children and grandchildren are regular things and they know each other's families well. Both are visiting France this week and are coming on to see me for a few days since I live only about 50 miles away. I'm looking forward to their visit.

But they are pretty much the only two friends of mine who don't know I am trans so I am putting away my chick lit, my pretty knick-knacks and more obviously feminine items. I hate having to do so but after the devastating abuse and betrayal I had from a supposed friend and ally in 2014, I am no longer prepared to come out to persons older than myself. My clothes are pretty unisex and no-one seems to notice they're off the women's racks in the shops but apart from that I am going to be nominally male for the weekend. I know we will have fun but it would be nicer, of course, if they knew I was trans and supported me, but I can't take the risk of coming out to them with possible negative consequences. That's partly due to the world we live in and to the last decade that's been more than trying for me already. I do have high hopes for the younger generation, though. They seem to take LGBTQ+ matters well into their stride. The subject seems almost unremarkable to them. And that's where we need to be, where someone who is trans (or gay or in some way different from the majority) is just, like, whatever, wanna hang out?

Part of me says that I should come out to anyone else who doesn't know I am trans. If they are true friends they will support me, right? But my bad experience before with the betraying friend, and also a girlfriend who couldn't cope with having a trans partner, is that they recruit people against you and dealing with a storm of questioning or indignation is much harder than dealing with just the one person who's being awkward. Obviously, I can probe these friends' ideas of trans life indirectly while they are here. But since I am not full-time female, however much I might dream of being, it's not worth pressing the issue at this stage.

I'll write again after their visit.

It's approaching midsummer and things are getting hot here. Thankfully, the freezer is full of ice cream and the communal pool opens tomorrow. Bliss!

Almost tropical

Sue x

Casting the net wide

 Personally, I think everyone's a little bit transgender. 

I hear statistics estimating the number of people who are trans - somewhere between 0.5% and 1.5% - but since most trans people are in the closet and invisible, who has any real idea? Do drag entertainers count? Most would say no. For some, being transgender is a state-of-being experienced by few, and 'mere crossdressers' are not part of this supposed elite. There are some supremacist trans people with the narrowest definition that only transitioners are true trans people.

So the definition of transgender is flexible according to tastes and I've never found that anything worthwhile came of trying to put well-defined boundaries on the phenomenon. Some of us experience and respond to our trans nature daily, others maybe only in one intense burst in a lifetime. 

Given the desire of many to experience what it might be like to be or, at least, to look like the other sex, if only at a fancy dress party or such acknowledged event, I reckon, as I said, that there's a bit of trans in everyone. The insistence of hardline macho types that they have no gay or trans in them at all doesn't seem to be borne out by evidence if you look over the course of their whole life. Personally, I doubt the desire to be a female impersonator, drag queen, panto dame, carnival attendee, crossdresser of any kind on occasion was some weird random thought like, "Hey, why not dress as a can of beans today?" We pretty much all want to know what it's like to be a different person. That world of fantasy or curiosity is there throughout our lives, even if putting on a frock is just a one-off. Some of us got a big lifelong dose of conviction that our gender isn't connected to our physique, others merely occasionally. But there are clearly a lot of others who dip their toe into changing gender. A quick glance at something like Stana's amazing blog, Femulate, or Aunty June's Flickr pages, packed with womanless weddings, school proms, trans parties, male actors in female roles, etc. etc., should convince anyone that a lot of people are curious and keen about switching gender. The insistence by some that male and female are fixed states is simply not borne out by evidence.

So in Pride Month particularly, I wanted to say how much I support drag queens and kings, and any other crossdresser. Your motives for dressing may be very different from mine, and your style too, but I feel we have more in common than many suppose.

To that end, I found this interesting article in the online Smithsonian magazine published the other day about the earliest modern-style drag performer, a former plantation slave turned drag artist, Willam Dorsey Swann: article

(And if you want more, here's their article from two months ago about the oldest performing drag queen: article)

I also found the discussion on the origins of the word "drag" interesting. I always thought drag was simply an acronym D.R.A.G. = "dressed as a girl" (as opposed to D.R.A.B. = "dressed as a boy"), but it seems not, although, as ever with these things, there's no firm conclusion.

So, dear drag friends, keep being fabulous.

Here's another garish bloom from the riviera that didn't fit into my rainbow flag of flowers last week as a tribute to the bight flamboyance of drag performance. People seemed to like the photos in the last post but this one is, in fact, my favourite.

 

A dip in the archives

Five years ago I went to Berlin and had fun as a tourist in the city centre. It was a good day.

Sue x

Pride colours

 It's Pride month and, yes, I know I should have mentioned it at the start of the month but since the pride event most local to me took place a couple of months ago, we've been waiting for the rest of the world to catch up! 

Spring came late this year in Western Europe and the rain so desperately needed in Italy fell in torrents during May. You may have read of some of the floods and, tragically, some fatalities. I missed it as I was away but it's clear from the sudden burst of spring blooms and croaking frogs now that spring has collided with early summer to create vibrant displays.

I thought I'd build my own online Pride flag with the colours I've photographed recently in the hedgerows. The Pride flag has got only six of the colours of the rainbow, but we're going to do all seven. I hope you find these bursts of colour as gorgeous as I do.

red

orange

yellow

green

blue

indigo

violet

And how about some pink for us trans folk?

Yellow and green were taken in Derbyshire, England. The rest in Liguria, Italy. 

I hope that Pride month will be happy and reassuring for you. And that your summer will be beautiful.

Sue x

My new makeup bag is full of goodies!

 I had to throw away all the makeup I took out of storage. If it wasn't dried up, it was certainly inadvisable to use it because creams and liquids have a shelf-life before they become full of bacteria. I threw away all brushes, puffs and sponges, too. And even the pink makeup bags that had travelled with me to so many venues in my early days. Nostalgia is one thing but it's not worth keeping something cheap that's got dirty and scuffed. 

So over the last few weeks I have bought the whole kit again and new bags to carry my makeup and jewellery around in. These zip-up bags are seethrough and wipe clean and this makes it easier to find what you are looking for.

New brushes came in a tin that was very large so I now carry a bunch of other tools in there, too, from nail files to stocking run repair spray (and a complimentary pen from Stockings HQ!)

The only makeup item that's old is the kohl pencil sharpener from Barry M in bubblegum pink. It's very cute.

I've laid out my kit below and this is what I apply. You don't have to go through such a complex process or use expensive items like I have chosen but, as long-term readers of my blog will recall, I have had serious problems with my skin and have to be very careful what I apply to my face.

From left to right, then, first we have a comedone extractor. Thankfully, I am no longer a teenager with lots of whiteheads and blackheads on my face, which is what these are mainly for dealing with, but I find this tool useful for helping to remove grease from around my nose more effectively that things like T-strips. I'm not sure why noses can be so greasy but the one use I know for nose grease is to reduce the head on a glass of beer. Just push your nose in and the froth on your beer diminishes before your eyes! Anyway, this tool is a quality one from Tweezerman who make excellent items like this and it's worth investing in a good one as it will last a lifetime.

Next I have skin preparation items, all from Mac: an oil and shine reducer first, a pore reducer that smooths small depressions, and their Pep and Prime base coat.

As foundation I use Mac Studio Fix Tech applied with sponges as I find brushes wasteful and need careful washing after each use. Then some Mineralize finishing powder on top to fix it.

I have more Mac items for concealer, highlighter and a bit of sparkle pigment powder for parties.

The shades I use were all selected after several makeovers at Mac stores and in consultation with staff over the years. Products change a bit from time to time so you have to consult them on updates. Yes, I know Mac is super expensive but I can rely on their stuff not to cause me problems with my skin. I used to wear oil-based foundations, which help cope better with perspiration and camera flash, but eventually my skin reacted badly to the heavier covering. These Mac foundations are water-based and are easier to remove using just water, not oil or lotion which has been another problem for me. So if you can get away with the fly-by-night store's Cheapo range of face gunk then go for it and save a packet. This, however, is my situation. Although I have to say that quality does show, too.

I tend not to worry too much about blusher, most brands are fine but cream works better than powder, I find. This one's a mid-pink from the Milani range.

I couldn't find the excellent Browzings from Benefit for my brow shaping and colouring and some cheaper brands are not very effective. Max Factor is mid-range so I'm going to try that, along with their eyeshadow. I have very dark brown eyes so I tend to go for complimentary brown/bronze shades of eyeshadow. I got a new box of sponge-tipped applicators, too. Instead of eyeliner, I tend to use kohl, an ancient cosmetic even worn by Jezebel in the Bible or Captain Jack Sparrow in the Caribbean. The wicked queen look with the body of a pirate is what I usually end up with, such is trans reality!

I no longer use mascara because my lashes are long and dark already and as I cannot do without glasses the effect is hard to see behind the lenses. I tend to emphasise my lips, therefore. Mascara can also make smudges on the lenses if they're pushed too close. Besides, mascara is the thing that needs replacing most frequently.

And for my lips and nails, I have always liked the vibrant Rimmel Range. Their no 170 lipstick in Alarm Red, sometimes just called Rimmel Red, has always been my favourite lipstick. And I like their quick-drying range of nail varnishes. These, at least, were not bought new now but have survived five years in storage and are still OK.

So now to find a quiet moment to look good. Best results will be posted in due course.

I also brought a selection of jewellery in my suitcase. It's all jumbled in the bag here and I need a new jewellery box to keep it in properly. But I am so happy to see some of my favorite items again. Not to mention a fresh wig I also brought with me ...

Sue x

Travels and travails

 I am back home in the Med after six weeks in England. That time in England was strange in many ways and I am still processing it. It would have been less strange if we hadn't had a pandemic preventing any serious travel for nearly three years.

I thought I would recount my journey as I had two suitcases and a shoulder bag to take home so I decided to travel gently by train. Flying is stressful, mainly because of the chaos of airport security, whereas trains let you carry more, keep it with you, stroll about, break your journey and see more on the way. I wore a pair of straight-leg women's trousers from Marks & Spencer that are wonderfully comfortable, soft and feminine; Also soft and comfortable were my women's polysilk shirts and I had a soft fleece for cooler weather.

All my trains ran on time and were comfortable enough. But the one thing I have to complain about is the insanity of modern ticket gates. At Chester, a large, busy station with many platforms and trains of all kinds, there are a mere five automatic gates to and from all seven platforms. With people trying to get in with bags and bicycles, and a trainload or two trying to get off simultaneously, it is chaos and needs two or three members of staff to help. The Eurostar terminus at London St Pancras has 10 platforms but the 18:01 to Paris and the 18:04 to Amsterdam were lined up on adjacent platforms both reached through a single door. Each train can carry 750 people. You can imagine the bedlam as 1500 people try to get through a single door with big luggage. Why did they put two trains adjacent like this? 

Paris Gare de Lyon is slightly easier in that each platform has five ticket gates. This obviously works better ... until the old idiot in front of me couldn't find his e-ticket on his phone and spent a minute or more blocking the gate as he searched for it. Meanwhile his wife had passed through the adjacent gate with a large dog which promptly defecated just past the barrier, thus blocking another gate while she cleaned it up (well, at least she did that rather than leaving it for people to step in). On the train, these two marvels and their dog were sat right in front of me and, although the dog lay down and went to sleep readily enough, it stank. OK, I am blaming the dog; it might have been them, of course. But I had to move as the smell was horrible. It was three hours to Marseilles, the next stop, where thankfully they got off (into a hailstorm - ha! karma!). Jeez, a dog farting for three hours is a bit much. Or the owners. Or all three. How to be antisocial!

Anyway, I broke my journey in Paris and stayed at a hotel overlooking the station, the Gare de Lyon. It was still light at 10 pm so I took this photo of the impressive building. French stations are often much grander than their British counterparts.

I arrived home safely last night with my luggage. Naturally, the largest case is the one with all my new makeup, dresses, lingerie, wig and so on. Priorities, eh? Now to unpack, put away, try out and feel thankful that at last I can be fully femme again after these years in limbo. 

More on my new goodies soon.

Sue x